During the course of planning the upcoming Shadow Art Fair, we came up with what I think were some really great ideas. We talked, for instance, about having a face-painting table for kids where, after asking the little tikes whether they’d prefer butterflies or tiger stripes, we’d invariably respond by giving them little Hitler mustaches. There was also an idea floated of having a booth where people could partake of an absolutely unspeakable sex act that we’d invented, known as a “chocolate unicorn.” My favorite idea, however, was to have a veterinarian there, for the duration of the event, to put people’s pets to sleep. I loved the idea of having flyers screaming, “Have a Pet Euthanized While You Shop. No Questions Asked.” Most of the more creative ideas that we had were shot down by our board of directors, but we were able to sneak a few by them. Most notably, we got a letter off to Santa (smuggled out of the Shadow compound in an intern’s hollow leg), asking that he make an appearance on Friday night, at the opening. So far, we haven’t heard anything back, but we’re hopeful that he and an elf or two will show.
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Weather reports this morning indicate it’s going to be a white Shadow Art Fair. What better way to provide BS Santa with cheer as he invites art fair patrons onto his lap for Polaroids. Will there be a Santa arrival? Arrival in the beer garden on a donkey while it’s snowing? There is a space heater on the back deck, and I’m all for “Santa’s Cigaretteland,” where he sits atop Nic-Fit Mountain a la the Santa in A Christmas Story.
His elves, however… I don’t know what to expect, other than to be disturbed (the elves will probably also be disturbed, but that goes without saying).
If it helps get Santa to town, tell him I’m willing to euthanize his reindeer while he shops (so long as I’m allowed to keep the meat).
If it helps get Santa to town, tell him I’m willing to euthanize his reindeer while he shops (so long as I’m allowed to keep the meat).
Mark is engaging in false advertising.
I have it on very good authority, that in the month since the above photo was taken, Santa has in fact grown an impressive beard, and also gained about ten pounds of additional jolliness:
Ho, ho, ho.
Dare I say he looks rather… zombie-ish… in that photo?
Really, Dave, zombie santas are so 2005.
Fair point.
Zombie reindeer are the hot item this year, I hear.
There’s a lot more meat on Santa, Ol’ EC. The reindeer just subsist on his scraps. A growler of Bliss to the temple should knock him cold.
I plan to eat Santa at the New Year’s eve party, after he’s brought me all my swag for being such a “good boy.”
I plan to eat Santa at the New Year’s eve party, after he’s brought me all my swag for being such a “good boy.”
And my family and I will consume you on New Year’s day, after your feast, when you are fat and slow…. You will be our delicious turdukin substitute (Ol’ EC, stuffed with Santa, stuffed with reindeer, stuffed with children).
Shouldn’t that read “(Ol’ EC, stuffed with reindeer, stuffed with Santa, stuffed with children)”?
I’ll defer to the Joy of Cooking. Accoring to their recipe for tursantan, it goes like this.
– first you have a snake swallow a turkey whole
– then you cut off the head and the tail of the snake, leaving only the section where the turkey is lodged
– then you wrap that in reindeer lungs, tying it tight with their intestines
– and, finally, you stuff that inside of Santa and bake
The idea of including children must have been mine. I’m not sure where they’d fit in. Perhaps they’d be fed to the reindeer.
I sound delicious.
I sound delicious.
mark, I think that’s the Scottish version of “Joy of Cooking”. What you’re describing is “Scandinavian haggis”.
Can I have a NEIGHBOR’S pet euthanized? If yes, how much?
How’bout the neighbor HIMSELF … along WITH the pet? Can I get a 2’fer? If so, how much?
Think that crematorium off Michigan Avenue would clean up and dispose of the remains? If so, how much?
If my neighbor and his pet just “disappear” over the weekend and nobody says anything, ok? If so, how much?