“if i had attempted to buy the most recent issue of hustler”

Here, in the spirit of OJ Simpson’s failed “If I Killed Them (This Is How I Would Have Done It)” book project, is my imagined interaction with a local convenience store owner.

Me: Hello. Do you have the most recent issue of “Hustler” — the adult magazine?

Store Owner: (pointing to a rack) Yeah. It’s over there.

Me: (awkwardly) You see I have a friend who’s supposed to be in it.

Store Owner: (raises his eyebrow a bit)

Me: Oh, not “in it” in it. He was interviewed for an article on Charles Fort… the famed researcher of anomalous phenomena. (picking up a copy and walking back to the counter)

Store Owner: (silence)

Me: (handing him the plastic-wrapped magazine) I also bought a copy of the last issue of “Fortean Times” that he had an article in… So, it’s not just the porn… I, uh, like to support my friends… Yup.

Store Owner: (ringing it up) That’ll be $10.60.

Me: Hmmm… (pulling back a five dollar bill) That much, huh? I don’t suppose there’s any way that I could open it up and look through it first to see if I’ve got the right issue here… I’d hate to spend that kind of money and not have there be anything on Charles Fort…

Store Owner: $10.60.

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8 Comments

  1. ol' e cross
    Posted November 30, 2006 at 9:44 am | Permalink

    Yes, yes! Then what happened?!

  2. ol' e cross
    Posted November 30, 2006 at 9:44 am | Permalink

    Yes, yes! Then what happened?!

  3. Ted Glass
    Posted November 30, 2006 at 12:12 pm | Permalink

    I’ve never shaved my balls, but, if I had, they’d look something like THIS!

    (Insert funny close-up of meticulously plucked and polished man-sack.)

  4. It's Skinner Again
    Posted November 30, 2006 at 2:58 pm | Permalink

    Mark — Don’t forget to check out my article on Schopenhauer in the next issue of “Barely Legal Amputees.” Thanks for your support!

  5. It's Skinner Again
    Posted November 30, 2006 at 2:58 pm | Permalink

    Mark — Don’t forget to check out my article on Schopenhauer in the next issue of “Barely Legal Amputees.” Thanks for your support!

  6. ol' e cross
    Posted November 30, 2006 at 3:17 pm | Permalink

    Did you check out the size of the anomalous phenomelons on page 17? Hubba-hubbah!

  7. ol' e cross
    Posted November 30, 2006 at 3:17 pm | Permalink

    Did you check out the size of the anomalous phenomelons on page 17? Hubba-hubbah!

  8. terrygilmer
    Posted December 1, 2006 at 8:35 am | Permalink

    I try not to give explanations when I buy my porn. Then again I usually don’t buy stuff with actual articles. And Hustler is ten bucks now? You can get DVD’s cheaper than that. Dinosaur porn is a little more expensive though.

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