dick devos: zombie king

I’ve received a number of emails over the past few weeks asking whether or not I was planning to orchestrate another Zombie Claus attack this holiday season. And, while I haven’t responded one way or the other definitively, I’d been thinking that I would not pursue it. “It was fun the first time,” I’d been thinking, “but doing it again wouldn’t break any new ground.” Sure, it could get bigger than the 25 or so people we had last time, but what would that accomplish? If anything, having more people would just raise the odds of something going horribly wrong.

So, as fun as it was making mischief and upsetting the status quo the first time around, I was thinking about calling it quits. But then, as I was sitting at the breakfast table this morning, it occurred to me that there might still be a little left in the old zombie meme. “What if,” I thought, “we could use a zombie attack to help defeat our Republican candidate for Governor, Dick DeVos?”

So, anyway, here’s my idea. If you think that it might have potential, let me know. If enough people are up for it, I’d be happy to do put the plan into motion. (If we wanted to move forward with this, it would have to take place within the next two weeks.)

The connection between DeVos, the head of the “network marketing” company, Amway, and zombies isn’t that hard to recognize if you think about it. Both Amway “distributors” and zombies are 1) single-minded in their focus, 2) terrifying, and 3) have the ability to infect others.

So, here’s my vision — We assemble an army of undead Amway distributors to overtake some highly visible piece of ground in Michigan, carrying boxes of light bulbs and detergent, wearing “DeVos buttons,” and mumbling about “distribution opportunities.” (I feel there’s good reason to believe that former Amway distributors would continue to try to sign people up in their “down channels” even once they’ve joined the ranks of the living dead.)

DeVos, at least from what I can tell, seems to be distancing himself from Amway every chance he gets. He knows that the public perception of his company is terrible (deservedly so), and he’s spent a lot of money trying to spin the fact that he runs a barely legal enterprise that takes advantage of the desperate and feebleminded into a positive. (DeVos, on the campaign trail, talks of his work at the parent company, Alticor.) Everyone at one time or another has been approached about “getting into a great distribution business” by an Amwaybot. It’s terribly uncomfortable and creepy (they generally lure you into the conversation through some kind of trickery, leaving you feeling almost like you’ve been molested), and DeVos knows that if he ran on that name, that the association would kill him. (I believe that people would be more willing to elect a Sea Org officer to be their Governor.)

And, most importantly, I suspect that we might be able to get some statewide press if we did it right. I don’t know that it would change many opinions, or motivate very many people to vote who might not already be planning to, but I don’t see as how it could hurt to remind people that this man running for Governor is the head zombie in charge of Scamway.

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  1. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted October 23, 2006 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    Amway is Scientology without the sci-fi.

  2. Collin
    Posted October 23, 2006 at 2:30 pm | Permalink

    I think it’s an awesome idea. How much time do you have to get it done?

  3. Dr Cherry
    Posted October 23, 2006 at 5:52 pm | Permalink

    Mark, I think I have a good idea. It’s not as exciting as zombies but would probably be more effective.

    Why not just try to sell Amway products at DeVos rallies? I mean you’d probably get kicked out but just get some product and try to sell it. People would cringe.

    You could get Amway literature and just approach people tell them you have a business opportunity that you’re interested in discussing with them.

  4. j7uy5
    Posted October 24, 2006 at 7:41 am | Permalink

    I think you should also have some people acting as slaves trying to build a pyramid. Except I don’t know where you would get the mules and the big stones.

  5. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted October 24, 2006 at 8:19 am | Permalink

    Of course, you could combine the Maynard and Chery ideas and have the Amway zombie attack take place at a DeVos rally.

  6. Brian
    Posted October 24, 2006 at 11:19 pm | Permalink

    I made this for my brother:

  7. mark
    Posted October 24, 2006 at 11:31 pm | Permalink

    What? What did you make for your brother? Don’t leave us hanging…

  8. Brian
    Posted October 24, 2006 at 11:51 pm | Permalink

    I mean this:


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