the letter of the day

Today’s letter of the day comes from my friend Dan (and is reprinted with his permission):

I guess I was driving in my car. I went into work at 7am, 3rd day of school. I had an early meeting, but my eyes were bothering me, tearing and itching. I could feel them swelling, and I’ve had weird allergic reactions before where my whole face/nose/throat have swollen to where I almost couldn’t breathe, so I started to freak a bit. I headed down to the school nurse after the meeting and when I got to this one office, one of the secretaries yelled, “FIGHT!” and the school psychologist, right in front of me, opened the office door and dove into the fight to break the two kids up. According the videotape surveillance, I was 2 seconds behind him and pulled the other kid away. Luckily the first guy there grabbed the guy who was losing the fight – he was covered in the kid’s blood, in his hair, all over his neck and shirt. I just got some on my forearms where I was holding the one guy’s arms behind his back. Nasty. The loser has to get plastic surgery on his face — the winner got taken away in handcuffs. So I ended up in the nurse’s office with that whole scene, then people started seeing my eyes, and thought it was from a kid’s blood or something. I told them that I was already on my way down and that my eyes had been swelling way before the fight, but they were wigged, so they made me go to the doctor. So I was out all day yesterday going to my doctor who sent me to an allergist. Somewhere in there, my ass dialed your number while I was listening to music in the car.

I wish I had the technology so that, as you were reading this post, you could hear the sound of someone spinning an FM dial muffled by ass fat. I listened for about five minutes before hanging up… His ass called me again later that evening, but I couldn’t hear anything going on. I yelled a few times, thinking that he might hear my tiny voice in his pocket, but I gave up after people began looking at me. Yelling, “I’m down here, in your pants,” in public, doesn’t go over very well.