on being an arrogant douchebag

I know I said a few weeks ago that I probably wasn’t going to attend my 20th high school reunion, but I just had this idea that makes it seem almost palatable. I’m thinking about creating a character for the occasion. The new Mark Maynard that I have in mind made a lot of money exporting manufacturing jobs to Asia, and he’s an insufferable prick. I just need to find the right captain’s hat, blue blazer with fancy gold crest, and ascot… This isn’t definite yet though, so please send other ideas if you have them. (I also quite like the idea of being a Scientologist missionary stationed in Papua, New Guinea.)

It’s absolutely unrelated, but it also occurred to me last night that Linette and I could get rid of our cats if we could somehow teach Clementine to catch and kill rodents.

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  1. Brian
    Posted July 13, 2006 at 1:21 am | Permalink

    You’re not thee Mark Maynard of the Maynards’ of Hamptonshire are you?

  2. mike_1630
    Posted July 13, 2006 at 1:29 am | Permalink

    Where did you go to school?

  3. doulicia
    Posted July 13, 2006 at 12:30 pm | Permalink

    I’m always a fan of cross-dressing, especially when it’s poorly done.

    I thought your addendum was going to say that you could get rid of your cats if you could teach Clementine to catch and kill THEM, not rats. Probably because I just read “Invitation to a Beheading” where the protagonist’s son has a habit of strangling cats.

  4. Matt
    Posted July 13, 2006 at 12:34 pm | Permalink

    My brother once lived on a lived on a mission station in Papua New Guinea for a couple of years (true story). So if you need any pointers on those minor but essential details that give a tall tale a hint of veracity (how to politely spit betel nut juice, what to do if your neighbour’s favourite pig eats all your young cassava plants) feel free to ask…

  5. ChelseaL
    Posted July 13, 2006 at 5:41 pm | Permalink

    You could say that, while there, you learned how to catch and kill rodents. …*I’d* talk to you.

  6. kez
    Posted July 13, 2006 at 6:14 pm | Permalink

    i don’t like cats…. no, not at all.

  7. mark
    Posted July 13, 2006 at 10:40 pm | Permalink

    I went to high school in New Jersey, in what had once been a farming community. It was about an hour outside of New York City by car, but didn’t seem that close. It was relatively quiet.

    And I need to talk with you, Matt, about your brother’s experience in Papua. It has to be more than just a coincidence that you came here and saw that post, and I feel as though I need to follow through… Stop by my table at the Shadow Art Fair and give me the low down.

  8. Ted Glass
    Posted July 14, 2006 at 8:43 am | Permalink

    Can’t you just tell them that you made your millions in ball-shaving?

    Choice number two: Tell them that you’ve got a development deal to tell the story of the unusual friendship between Charles Fort and Theodore Drieser on film, starring Kami Andrews.

  9. It's Skinner Again
    Posted July 14, 2006 at 11:06 am | Permalink

    Maybe you could pass yourself off as a professional Scrabble player. A crowd could gather around you as you talk passionately about your favorite high-point words.

    You could get rid of Clementine if you teach your cats to eat cupcakes.

  10. MCNB
    Posted July 15, 2006 at 10:50 pm | Permalink

    At my 10th high school reunion, the senior class president went to the mic and starting giving a speech about the environment, the world we want to leave to our kids, and the importance of clean drinking water. And then launched into a pitch for his multi-level marketing of water purification systems. You’d have to top the authenticity of that.

  11. Anonymatt
    Posted July 16, 2006 at 11:43 am | Permalink

    Everyone with whom we went to high school that could remember Mark would probably expect that everything he’ll say is BS. If he acts like an insufferable prick, though, everyone will think it’s normal.

  12. Kathleen
    Posted July 19, 2006 at 9:32 am | Permalink

    I went to my 20th reunion and wished I hadn’t. The cliques were still cliques and it was like going back to high school – which is never a good thing.

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