halliburton survivaball

Halliburton held a press conference today to announce their solution to global warming. It’s called the SurvivaBall. Here’s a clip from the press release:

SurvivaBalls save managers from abrupt climate change

An advanced new technology will keep corporate managers safe even when climate change makes life as we know it impossible.

“The SurvivaBall is designed to protect the corporate manager no matter what Mother Nature throws his or her way,” said Fred Wolf, a Halliburton representative who spoke today at the Catastrophic Loss conference held at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Amelia Island, Florida. “This technology is the only rational response to abrupt climate change,” he said to an attentive and appreciative audience.

Most scientists believe global warming is certain to cause an accelerating onslaught of hurricanes, floods, droughts, tornadoes, etc. and that a world-destroying disaster is increasingly possible. For example, Arctic melt has slowed the Gulf Stream by 30% in just the last decade; if the Gulf Stream stops, Europe will suddenly become just as cold as Alaska. Global heat and flooding events are also increasingly possible.

In order to head off such catastrophic scenarios, scientists agree we must reduce our carbon emissions by 70% within the next few years. Doing that would seriously undermine corporate profits, however, and so a more forward-thinking solution is needed.

At today’s conference, Wolf and a colleague demonstrated three SurvivaBall mockups, and described how the units will sustainably protect managers from natural or cultural disturbances of any intensity or duration. The devices – looking like huge inflatable orbs – will include sophisticated communications systems, nutrient gathering capacities, onboard medical facilities, and a daunting defense infrastructure to ensure that the corporate mission will not go unfulfilled even when most human life is rendered impossible by catastrophes or the consequent epidemics and armed conflicts.

“It’s essentially a gated community for one,” said Wolf.

Dr. Northrop Goody, the head of Halliburton’s Emergency Products Development Unit, showed diagrams and videos describing the SurvivaBall’s many features. “Much as amoebas link up into slime molds when threatened, SurvivaBalls also fulfill a community function. After all, people need people,” noted Goody as he showed an artist’s rendition of numerous SurvivaBalls linking up to form a managerial aggregate with functional differentiation, metaphorically dancing through the streets of Houston, Texas…

I think I’ve seen that fellow from Halliburton before. If I’m not mistaken, he used to work for Dow.

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9 Comments

  1. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 10:42 am | Permalink

    They look like they’d be fun to shoot at.

    (“A gated community for one” is such a poetic and beautiful phrase. )

  2. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 10:50 am | Permalink

    Rove may be going down today.

    http://www.rawstory.com/news/2006/Networks_plan_stakeout_of_Fitzgerald_court_0511.html

  3. UBU
    Posted May 12, 2006 at 12:24 pm | Permalink

    Going down on whom?

  4. mark
    Posted May 13, 2006 at 4:49 pm | Permalink

    The Washigton Times had an article the next day exposing the shocking hoax. Apparently the men weren’t from Harriburton at all!

  5. chris
    Posted May 13, 2006 at 9:42 pm | Permalink

    OK, please tell me that Morgellon’s disease as described on BoingBoing.net is a hoax too.

    MARK WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GO AND CHECK IT OUT. NO, I AM REALLY SERIOUS.

    I almost couldn’t eat dinner just thinking about it.

  6. mark
    Posted May 13, 2006 at 11:45 pm | Permalink

    I saw it a few days ago, Chris, and I’ve been fighting the urge to post it. I think it could drive some of my readers with OCD over the edge. (I found the “fibers” growing from the skin to be a lot more upsetting than the black, tar-like sweat. Did you see those photos?)

  7. chris
    Posted May 14, 2006 at 1:50 pm | Permalink

    Hey man, I linked to their website. As I write this my flesh is crawling up over my back and down my forehead, and I hear a slight ringing in my ears.

    I have had this weird growth on the inside arch of my foot and now I am completely freaked out that I have it.

    I keep trying to come up with reasonable explanations for the wire…the most “stomachable” being that the hairs are actually hairs, and that these are just little cancerous growths that turn on the cells ability to make protein/hair. However, now that I think of it the SEM photos look nothing like it.

  8. chris
    Posted May 14, 2006 at 3:06 pm | Permalink

    Oh yeah, and if it does not go away soon I am about to go Johnny Tremain on that shit.

    OK, I know have to push it completely out of my mind. Its gotta be a hoax.

  9. mark
    Posted May 14, 2006 at 9:43 pm | Permalink

    Back on topic, Linette and I watched the “Yes Men” movie last night and highly recommend it.

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