happy valentine’s day from dick cheney

OK, so you say he was just lightly “peppered” with harmless little “pellets,” right? Well, then how do you explain that his heart just stopped as a result of what happened? Doesn’t sound like a harmless little bee stings now, does it?

(note: I was going to name this post “shot through the heart, and you’re to blame.” I thought that it was a great idea, but I chickened out. I didn’t want it publicly known that I could recite Bon Jovi lyrics.)

And, what happens now that Cheney’s tasted blood?

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  1. chris
    Posted February 14, 2006 at 8:28 pm | Permalink

    It just fucking hit me-no pun intended.


    Here is the conspiracy theory laid out for you all (as you well know I am wont to do), with previous examples.

    I. Evidence surfaces in the UK that not only did the US know that the papers lending “evidence” that whatever front-me-a-million dollars African country (Nigeria Ethiopia?) stating that weapons grade plutonium was sold to Iraq were fakes and that they may have even been planted by the CIA and WHAMMO the VAlerie Plame leak suggesting the administration was to blame (it was you know it was and they know we know it was thank you very much). Kind of like a blow job as the former scandal is just too volatile and we Americans prefer our scandals really easy to understand.

    II. Harriet Meirs is put forth as a nominee for the Supreme Court and she is debated and shot down (oops another punny). Oh OK, well there is this other guy that you might like… Alito. Set ourselves up for that one there.

    and now…drum roll please

    III. Brown testifies before the Senate that the White House knew at least 24 hours before they said they knew that the levees breached in New Orleans. Which gets me because here they want to wire tap us and they can’t seem to FUCKING FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENNING IN OUR OWN GODDAMN BACKYARD WITH SATELLITE IMAGING AND A GAJILLION WITNESSES BUT WIRETAPPING IS GOING TO GIVE THEM INFORMATION THAT WOULD OTHERWISE HIT THEM IN THE FACE LIKE A BIG HARD UGLY DICK. And then, then ?!?!?!?!

    Cheney blows his wad in the face of an unassuming gentlemen friend.

    LOOK THE OTHER WAY PEOPLE!!! Those aren’t babies they’re eating they are leftover human embryos that might otherwise be experimented on to produce Island of Dr. Moreau mutants.

    Goog god we’re asses, I personally blame reality TV.

  2. chris
    Posted February 14, 2006 at 9:52 pm | Permalink

    Hey, anyone remember my organizing threat a while ago? Check it out:


    Any takers out there? It could be like that Seinfeld masturbation episode.

  3. mark
    Posted February 15, 2006 at 12:48 am | Permalink

    Please be patient. It’s going to take a day or two for all of this to sink in , Chris….

  4. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted February 15, 2006 at 10:43 am | Permalink

    Cool link. Thanks, Chris.

  5. chris
    Posted February 16, 2006 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    I am sorry for yelling on your site Mark. I guess I am just not as apathetic as I front. It has been over one week since I have bought anything for myself.

  6. dorothy
    Posted February 16, 2006 at 9:10 am | Permalink

    ihave been out of the loop for 3 weeks while moving to a new house—i’ve been jonesing for the internet. from time to time i took my laptop to the local coffee house which had wireless. now i’m back. WAHOO!!! sorry for yelling.
    chris–i love you!

  7. schutzman
    Posted February 16, 2006 at 1:03 pm | Permalink

    Chris, I guess I’ve been a member of the “Compact” for my entire adult life, as I virtually never buy anything new, due solely to the fact that new things are more expensive. It’s nice that this group is getting some press for the cause, but I think they come off as slightly pretentious when you realize these are people that could afford $300 shoes in the first place.

    As for Cheney, I was in a bar last night sitting by two guys who I know to be hunters, so I brought up the subject and they showed absolutely no sympathy or support for Cheney whatsoever. I think he’s always tried to present a ‘Good Old Boy’ image, but now even other ‘Good Old Boys’ are realizing he’s a bad shot, and that you can’t really have respect for a guy’s ‘Hunting Skillz’ if they consist of going to an exclusive, private game preserve and participating in Canned Hunts.

  8. mark
    Posted February 18, 2006 at 2:39 pm | Permalink

    You just don’t know what it’s like to be as busy as him, Brett. He’s got a country to run. And, as vile as I might think that it is, I can totaly see why it is that he has his assistants drag animals into his office every so often for him to shoot “execution style.”

  9. schutzman
    Posted February 19, 2006 at 10:43 am | Permalink

    Also in the defense of “Big Time”, if I was married to Lynne Cheney, I’d probably feel an urge to go off into the middle of nowhere and randomly shoot things, too.

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