abe lincoln had a great ass

The folks at Google today announced that they would be launching a philanthropic arm (perhaps to counteract the bad press they’ve been getting recently for acquiescing to the Chinese government and censoring search results). The fund is reported to be approximately $1.1 billion… Closer to home, the big announcement of the day came from our friend Brett Schutzman, who unveiled the most recent tentacle of the Maproom Systems empire, a website constructed for the purposes of exploring the relative “hotness” of American presidents. (The consensus thus far seems to be that Washington was too heavily pockmarked to be considered hot.) I suppose it was just a matter of time.

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  1. schutzman
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 12:22 am | Permalink

    Thanks, mark.

    And, incidentally, what part of the following sentence don’t you understand?

    …I would also appreciate any promoting you might give it, but ask that you wait a week (until after Adams makes his appearance) to do so, in the hopes we’ll have a nice start on the commenting by then…

    Loose lips sink ships, man.

    Anyway, now that you’ve outed the experiment, I have no choice but to immediately commit to it. My hastily prepared post can be found here.

    Cum one, cum all 43.

  2. mark
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 6:57 am | Permalink

    Sorry, Brett. I guess I was so excited by the project that I missed that sentence. (I was distracted by the image of a bare-chested Washington.) If you’d like for me remove the post until next week, just let me know.

  3. Ted Glass
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 9:07 am | Permalink

    Cheney supposedly has a huge cock.

    I know that doesn’t add much to this conversation, but I thought that it needed to be said.

  4. schutzman
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 9:58 am | Permalink

    mark, no, it’s too late at this point. By now, based on our combined inflated site statistics, I’d estimate that over ten people have seen the announcement so there’s no turning back.

    Ted Glass, yes, “Big Time.”

  5. Anonymatt
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 10:31 am | Permalink


    Anything you say to Mark in conversation or personal e-mail could end up posted on this blog. Even, if not especially, when you specifically ask him not to.

    I’ve only heard that Cheney is a big dick, not that he has one.

  6. schutzman
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 11:33 am | Permalink

    anonymatt, at least mark didn’t mention the fact that hot_presidents has inspired george clooney to make a film on the subject.

    …and although a Freudian would argue that his propensity for firearms suggests otherwise, i understand there have been some press photos of cheney that reveal a remarkable package.

  7. chris
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 4:59 pm | Permalink

    I know what picture you speak of and no, that is not a big dick but a hugely swollen prostrate thus giving the big package look. Meaning, small present-big bow.

    And besides, if that man was even remotely getting any do you think he would have the spleen and ideal for half the antics he is currently getting away with?

  8. Anonymatt
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 5:05 pm | Permalink

    I really don’t care what the size of Dick’s dick is. It doesn’t affect my life in any manner.

    If you want to believe it’s large based on an understanding that there exist photos that reveal it, go ahead. I cannot come between a man and his faith. (My apologies if you are a woman.)

    I try to believe things based on evidence. But in this case, I wouldn’t want to see the evidence if it even existed. I’m quite happy to remain agnostic on the issue. But I really doubt there are press photos in which Cheney’s cock is out and swinging about. At best they probably suggest it is large, but don’t reveal it.

  9. schutzman
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 8:39 pm | Permalink

    Anonymatt, the issue of cheney’s dick is simply to controversial. That’s the decision reached by my organization’s branding committee and several focus groups we consulted with during the five years of research and development involved in the project, which initially was called “hot_vice_presidents”; Once realized the trouble that would arise, we decided to simply concentrate our efforts on the Sex-ecutives in Chief, although this meant an expensive re-tooling the production line.

  10. chris
    Posted February 24, 2006 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

    OK, this is a little creepy but my seven year old son has recently left dinosaur land for president and secretary of the treasury land. You want I should ask him which president all the ladies wanted to kiss?

    And Matt, the photo I saw was not dick sans pants but Dick in sans(a-wear) pants sporting that high wasted old man bulge most frequently seen at trendy spots such as OTB or church box lunches. I only found out what that bulge was much later in life when I was working my way through college as a…drum roll please…proctologist’s assistant. Hah! and you thought I was going to say prostitute, wich I guess it sorta was except with health benefits and a dry cleaning expense account.

  11. Anonymatt
    Posted February 25, 2006 at 12:26 am | Permalink

    I give up, I’ll never be as interested in Dick Cheney’s crotch as you folks. I’ll let the fans continue with their conversation.

  12. schutzman
    Posted February 25, 2006 at 10:54 am | Permalink

    chris, yes, if you son wants to cast a vote then you’re welcome to place it on his behalf once that particular president’s profile is posted. I wouldn’t suggest that he or any other minors visit the site themselves, though, as the comments are already starting to get somewhat risque.

  13. mark
    Posted February 25, 2006 at 8:41 pm | Permalink

    He refutes it, but this photo suggests that he’s lying.

  14. Denise
    Posted June 22, 2010 at 12:23 pm | Permalink

    I found your blog whilest out sailing.

  15. Adelson
    Posted July 15, 2010 at 9:31 am | Permalink

    Do you know were I could find good, clear images of Abe Lincoln’s ass? That’s how I came to be here. I’ve been searching the net. Sadly, most photos of him were taken from the front. And they tended not to wear tight-fitting trousers back then.

  16. M
    Posted March 25, 2011 at 2:55 pm | Permalink

    Abe wasn’t mentioned but I caught my wife on her computer a few days ago looking at a site called Bangable Guys in History

  17. cBuddie
    Posted April 23, 2011 at 5:45 pm | Permalink

    If you thought his ass was hot, you should see his taint!

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