this doesn’t count… this is not, technically speaking, a post

OK, I know it’s only been three days since I dramatically announced my retirement from blogging, but I just wanted to stop by and publicly congratulate myself for not giving into temptation and posting about Jack Abramoff, the scumbag Republican lobbyist who this morning announced that he wouldn’t be taking one for his friends inside the Beltway, but would instead be copping a plea, like a rat, and working with prosecutors on the cases that are being built against the elected officials who sold their votes to him for so many years.

And, as long as I’m here I might as well also commend myself on overcoming the temptation to comment any further on the circumstances last week that precipitated my abdication. A lesser man, for example, probably would have broken down and posted at least a brief mention of a letter received from a well-placed source in a major metropolitan area who thinks that this site might have been attacked not by an “Iranian hacker,” as early reports suggested, but by GOP operatives. They may have even quoted this un-sourced news clip that said source included as evidence:

January 3, 2006 — When we reported that “Supersize Me” director Morgan Spurlock had optioned Chris Mooney’s “The Republican War on Science” two weeks ago, some right-wing hackers weren’t happy. The scathing tome charges the George Bush administration with intentionally stifling scientific debate. Staffers at publisher Basic Books say hackers attacked the book’s promotional site the following day, planting a virus that randomly deletes data. Though the site was briefly crippled, it’s now back up and running. In a blog post about the incident, Mooney wrote ruefully, “Maybe I’m naive, but I never thought it would come to this.”

And one last thing, as long as we’re on the subject — I don’t care how many people send me sworn statements attesting to the fact that Steve Cherry, the fellow who runs security (and lighting) here at, has been seen in the company of Cheney’s Chief-of-Staff, I do not accept the possibility, not even for a moment, that he had even a hint of anything to do with the devastating attack that continues to cripple this news organization. I would stake my life on Steve’s friendship and loyalty, and I refuse to believe, even for a moment, that he might have had ulterior motives when he approached me a year ago and offered to run everything behind the scenes. So, please, stop with the “Et tu, Brute” messages, and all the speculation as to where he and Hillary obtained the money to buy their palatial Hamtramck estate.

And, yes, I am still retired. Just as the occasional tumbler full of whiskey doesn’t mean you’ve fallen off the waggon, and a single puff on a cigarette does not make you a smoker again, this does not mean that I’m climbing back into my threadbare blogging leotard.

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  1. be OH be
    Posted January 3, 2006 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

    Anyone who’s ever smoked a cigarette is a smoker. For some it’s just been a really, really long time since their last one.

    smell ya later.

  2. danandkitty
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 12:06 am | Permalink

    And isn’t smoking crack a more apt analog to blogs?

  3. Hillary
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 1:28 am | Permalink

    I did NOT HAVE sexual relations with Jack Abramoff. You’ll never prove it! Those weekends at the Soaring Eagle were nothing!

  4. Theodore Glass
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 8:20 am | Permalink

    No more so than the occasional blowjob from a prostitute make you unfaithful.

    I applaud your resolve in staying away from this evil, evil vampire of a blog.

  5. schutzman
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    many years ago, i knew a woman whose ex-boyfriend was a heroin addict, and who she’d frequently defend by saying that he had successfully quit four times.

  6. Theodore Glass
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 1:29 pm | Permalink

    You need to put some positive spin on it if do decide to come back. Instead of saying you’ve relapsed, you should say that you’ve been “born again” into blogging.

  7. Anonymatt
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 4:26 pm | Permalink

    Ha ha. I’m surprised you were able to stop posting for 3 days, but it was pretty obvious you wouldn’t be able to keep yourself away.

  8. mark
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 8:30 pm | Permalink

    I thought that I was quite clear when I said that this wasn’t an official post, and should not be considered as such. It was just me saying how proud I was of not giving in to the temptation.

  9. danandkitty
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 8:34 pm | Permalink

    I like the idea of you taking time off (whther it’s a day or a year) and when you come bakc announce it as your Big Comeback to Blogging!!! Your triumphant return

  10. Dr Cherry
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

    Mark, I’d like to discuss the revenue sharing program for everybody that works so hard on this blog.

    Yes, sometimes Iranian hackers delete important photograps, but sometimes they don’t. I know you’re making a bundle on all that ad-space! Don’t be stingy. Let a man wet his beak…

  11. mark
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 9:42 pm | Permalink

    So, that’s what this is all about… I’m being shaken down for a taste of what’s in the Amazon account.

    I can’t believe I was so na

  12. Ken
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 9:45 pm | Permalink

    I don’t know about the rest of you suckers, but I think my check is in the mail! Mark was just asking for my address yesterday.

  13. Brian
    Posted January 4, 2006 at 11:30 pm | Permalink

    I went out to lunch with Mark and as I pulled my wallet out to pay for my lunch he said, “No, I insist…this one’s on Amazon” and then he laughed and said “Fuck Steve Cherry! I love money!!!!”

  14. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted January 5, 2006 at 8:30 am | Permalink

    He’s doing you a favor, Steve. Excessive wealth destroys families.

  15. Dr Cherry
    Posted January 5, 2006 at 10:46 am | Permalink

    I want my share in live chickens.

  16. Anonymatt
    Posted January 5, 2006 at 12:52 pm | Permalink

    I know you’ve said it’s not a post. Too bad. It is. Deny reality all you want. You are a poseur of non-posting.

    Although I should say that I misread the dates before, you actually held off from posting for 4 days, not 3.

  17. chris
    Posted January 5, 2006 at 6:45 pm | Permalink

    OK, here’s the thing. I just found out that my tenant’s…um, I mean friend’s, brother has just been hired to write for “The Daily Show”. He is 24!!!!!!!!!!!! And this,with no other experience than the occasional wacky snotty headline for the Onion and a rare comic in “The New Yorker”.

    So me and his brother begin to grill him about the downsides, apparently there are none (10 weeks vacation only eight of which are paid is the best he could come up with). So I asked about shower compunction. The condition wherein you are taking a shower in the morning and are immediately awash (if you will) with memories of every inappropriate thing you’ve ever said, and every time you’ve made an ass of yourself, and start moaning “Oh, god!” over and over again (like I’ll be doing tomorrow morning). He said it never happens to him (again he’s 24).

    So…it was me. I hacked in and tweedled just enough to piss Mark off. WHY, you ask? Because it is my intention to redirect Mark’s energies toward becoming a writer for the Daily Show and have he and his family move to that NPR , New Yorker-Talk of the Town, NYT’s self absorbed bullshit Valhalla that is Brownstone Brooklyn.

    At which point, I will ingratiate myself into his family. Once accomplished I will invite them to all my tony, witty, pseudo-self-deprecating cocktail parties and claim that I knew them first.

    But given these continued posts it appears my ruse has gone unsuccessful.

    Hey, anybody want to check out my friend’s podcast?
    His DUIP (Driving Under the Influence of Privilege) driver blog is a riot.

  18. mark
    Posted January 5, 2006 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    Why don’t you just kill him and I’ll assume his identity?

  19. chris
    Posted January 5, 2006 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    People would know immediately that something was amiss as you/he would suddenly have a conscience, and you/ were no longer able to whore yourself for a laugh…oh wait, maybe that’s me.

    Also, you would have to be able to steal other people’s lunches out of the fridge and eat them.

  20. mark
    Posted January 5, 2006 at 8:55 pm | Permalink

    OK, then, just kill him and I won’t assume his identity.

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