old country buffet, the talking heads, and my nipple

Today I had lunch amid the old and infirm at Old Country Buffet. The Talking Heads were playing. I found it really freaky. Later in the day, I returned to the gym, where I haven’t been in the better part of a year. While there I learned four things; 1) it’s hard to work out while listening to Italian lulabyes, 2) if you go six months without sweating, some seriously stinky stuff comes oozing out of your pours, 3) it’s possible to gain a pound a week for six months, and 4) I can work the volume control of an Ipod Nano in my shirt pocket with my nipple.

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  1. DetroitWonk
    Posted January 12, 2006 at 8:38 pm | Permalink

    That’s really gross, Mark. Funny as hell, but gross.

  2. Dr Cherry
    Posted January 12, 2006 at 11:01 pm | Permalink

    so mark, what exactly do you do at the gym? I’m trying to imagine you hitting the heavy bag and doing lots of tie-bo.

    I bought this torture device, it’s working pretty well for me:

  3. mark
    Posted January 13, 2006 at 7:26 am | Permalink

    I do Jazzercise mostly.

    And, the next time I’m at your place, Steve, remind me that I’d like to see your “unique safety sheath .”

  4. Dr Cherry
    Posted January 13, 2006 at 11:32 am | Permalink


  5. dorothy
    Posted January 13, 2006 at 11:53 am | Permalink

    just received comix—funny stuff. most of what you post, except for political rants, is hilarious. thanks so much.

  6. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted January 13, 2006 at 1:07 pm | Permalink

    I guess this mean’s you’ve entered their (Old Country Bufet’s) target demographic. Excercise all you want. It won’t help. They have you locked into their tractor beam.

  7. schutzman
    Posted January 13, 2006 at 1:08 pm | Permalink

    i went to big boy last week for breakfast, and also sat around senior citizens, and, indeed, they were loudly playing a sattelite radio station of early 1980’s songs that seemed completely inappropriate to the customer base.

    my theory, which perhaps isn’t much of one, suggests that those of us who grew up in the 1970s to 1990s are now becoming the dominant generation in our culture, as baby boomers begin entry into nursing homes. When I was in highschool, I got pretty sick of always hearing Elvis and Chubby Checker on the radio, but realized that this was exactly what my parents wanted to hear, whose demographic was the one running things.

    So, know that each time you hear anything from “heart of glass” to “sharp dressed man” on the radio, it’s merely a sign of our pending ascendancy.

    You didn’t say what the talking heads song was, by the way. If they were playing “Heaven” in a room of senior citizens, that would indeed be pretty creepy.

  8. danandkitty
    Posted January 13, 2006 at 3:25 pm | Permalink

    I went to a Shoney’s alittle while back which is weird, but especially as a vegan! I couldn’t believe how much bacon people were loading onto their plates! I was impressed really, at the abandon people were exhibiting. (If that makes sense.) It was as if they had never heard of heart attacks.

  9. Cammer
    Posted January 13, 2006 at 4:19 pm | Permalink

    That’s nothing Mark, I can program my vcr with my wang.

  10. mark
    Posted January 13, 2006 at 9:03 pm | Permalink

    And your ass to open jars and crack walnuts?

  11. chris
    Posted January 14, 2006 at 12:46 pm | Permalink

    If ever there is a need to raise a litle extra cash Mark, I think the bidding frenzy that would erupt if you were to auction off a video clip of your “jazzercising” would be nothing short of that resulting from that of a healthy kidney.

    Or better yet, it could be a pay per view video box w/in the blog…kind of like a perverted peep show.

  12. mark
    Posted January 14, 2006 at 1:41 pm | Permalink

    How much would you pay for something like that, Chris?

  13. chris
    Posted January 14, 2006 at 6:17 pm | Permalink

    $25. However, if it were tax deductible upwards near $75. You’d have to wear a “belly shirt” though.

    Oh, and you know what’s cool? On my Firefox bookmarks your website has a little icon of your comic face on it! How’d it do that?!

    It should also go without saying….Thank you. Actually, come to think of it…how COULD it go w/out saying? Um, thank you.

  14. dorothy
    Posted January 15, 2006 at 9:10 am | Permalink

    i would pay good money to see mark jazzercize. he, he, he. does anyone out there want to see a video of a 70 yr. old grandmother
    (what can i say-i got a late start) lifting weights as preventive therapy for osteoporosis? i take paypal. by the way, my firefox has a little gravitar(?) also—–how DID you do that?

  15. Anonymatt
    Posted January 15, 2006 at 9:39 pm | Permalink

    I’m willing to bet a dollar that Mark has no idea how the little picture gets into your bookmarks. Whoever does the site design (Steve?) probably did it.

  16. Dr Cherry
    Posted January 16, 2006 at 12:31 am | Permalink

    A reader sent that little mark-face icon to Mark, I just put it on the server. For those who asked how they’re done, they’re commonly known as “favicons” (a google search yields many great tutorials).

  17. mark
    Posted January 16, 2006 at 12:47 am | Permalink

    Steve, I was going to tell them that the Iranian hacker, feeling sorry for what he had done, had begun making upgrades to the site.

  18. schutzman
    Posted January 16, 2006 at 8:27 am | Permalink

    my firefox browser has always been buggy, and for the longest time markmaynard.com actually had an “eBay” icon next to the name. Now i’m beginning to wonder if it really was a mistake, and whether we’ve all been duped into an elaborate auction lasting many years.

  19. Theodore Glass
    Posted January 16, 2006 at 10:37 am | Permalink

    I just purchased your soul, Mr. Schutzman.

  20. Anonymatt
    Posted January 16, 2006 at 11:13 am | Permalink

    My sympathies to Theodore Glass. Mark was preparing a nice big fat lie for you, but Steve preempted him.

  21. chris
    Posted January 16, 2006 at 7:00 pm | Permalink

    Last I heard he was preparing a nice big fat bouncing oiled belly to be broadcast over the broadbands for our viewing pleasure…and a nominal fee of course.

  22. Anonymatt
    Posted January 16, 2006 at 8:16 pm | Permalink

    Well, I’ve shared gym classes with Mark back in high school, so I’ve already seen enough. For free.

  23. mark
    Posted January 16, 2006 at 10:19 pm | Permalink

    Steve and Matt are like the MM.com ombudsmen.

    God bless them.

  24. Tony Buttons Esq.
    Posted January 17, 2006 at 8:59 am | Permalink

    Here’s a thought. Is it possible that there never was an Iranian hacker? Is it possible that Mark deleted all the images fromt his site in order to mask his real purpose – to eliminate just the photos of him? (Annoyomatt has made me suspicious.) It occurred to me last night as I was watching “24” that he might have done so in order to eliminate all images of himself from the public record. My guess is that he’s planning to go underground for a while and then resurface with another identity.

  25. Theodore Glass
    Posted January 17, 2006 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    He may have already resurfaced.


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