america’s next top model

Linette’s out tonight with a friend and I’m here at the house with the baby. She’s asleep now, and I’m supposed to be 1) working on my already overdue comic for the next issue of the Ann Arbor Paper, 2) getting rid of all the shit that I’ve accumulated on TIVO over the course of the past few weeks, 3) working on the Ypsi Sentinel site, and 4) practicing my yoga. Instead, I’m sitting here in my dark, filthy office eating pumpkin seeds in my long johns and reading some guy’s notes on the last episode of America’s Next Top Model. His observations are pretty good, but what really impresses me are the screen captures. His documentation is exhaustive.

Here, in case you’ve never seen the show, are a few of his images. I should mention that the text on the photos wasn’t added by him. Those phrases appeared during the show.

Jayla (top photo) is one of my favorites. She’s the one on the left. In episode one, she described herself as a “fornicating home-schooler.” That impressed me. My other favorite is the one they keep referring to as “the pale girl.” I think her name is Heather. I also liked the obnoxious beauty pageant girl, but she’s gone now. She walked out two episodes ago when she was told that she’d have to get her hair cut like Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby… The other woman in this photo is Linette’s favorite. I think her name might be Kim. As they keep reminding us every scene that she’s in, she’s a lesbian.

I don’t care for this woman (middle photo) that much, but she was dead-on when she mumbled the “dumb bitches” comment. That was said in reference to a comment made by Lisa, the haggard, old, bar-fly of the group, who, at 24, looks like she’s pushing 40. You’ll see her in the next photo… The comment was totally deserved.

OK, she doesn’t look as bad here (bottom photo) as she usually looks. She’s got some kind of weird power like that. She comes across like an old hag on the show, but when you capture her in a photo, somehow, she comes across as almost normal looking. It’s some kind of Dorian Gray kind of thing, only in reverse… Isn’t the caption great? In this episode, they had all the girls gang up on one another and point out their biggest flaws. Lisa’s, as you can see, was a “lazy eye.” That’s one of the things that makes the show great – they openly insult these generally-insecure young women to their faces while trying to make it appear as though they’re being constructive. The reason for telling Lisa about her “lazy eye” was ostensibly so that they could help her hide it. (Yeah, right.) Come to think of it, the woman that Linette’s out with right now, our friend Elizabeth, once told me about a game they’d play in her sorority. (I told you that we had a diverse group of friends.) When they had a new pledge class come in, they’d take each one aside and tell her what her best (superficial) quality was and then what their worst feature was… Like “Big nose. Nice ass.” The girls would all breakdown.

Speaking of breaking down, this guy whose site I’m reading is keeping a running tally of the times the girls cry, kind of like what my friend Jeff does with the ratio of “fucks” to “cocksuckers” used in HBO’s Deadwood.

I can’t tonight, because I don’t have time, but one of these days I have to tell you why I watch this show. Believe it or not, it’s not just because they take somewhat attractive women who could never be professional, working models and tell them that they can, only to crush them later.

I don’t know if she’ll leave a note here, but one of our regular readers tried out for this round of America’s Next Top Model, but, sadly, didn’t make it all the way through to the show where she would have been rewarded with public humiliation. I’m trying to get her to write about the experience for the upcoming issue of Crimewave (which as been “upcoming” for about a year and a half now), but so far my charm, and the offer of no money, hasn’t yielded any results.

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  1. terry
    Posted October 15, 2005 at 12:06 am | Permalink

    America’s Next Top model is kinda like porn only I don’t feel guilty after watching porn. I think Lisa will make it to the top 5 as they always need to have a villian to liven things up. I think the reason her face looks so haggard is because it’s a mask and she’s really an alien insect underneath. I’m picking Kyle to win it all though. And did you hear our friend Kami just bought a house? She had a fire sale on her own porno to help cover closing costs.

  2. mark
    Posted October 15, 2005 at 9:58 am | Permalink

    Kyle, I think, is the one that works at the Dairy Queen down the road. If she loses, I’ll go get a cone from her sometime and tell her that you said “hi.”

    As for Kami, tell her I said congratulations on the house… And, if she wants me to link to her “I need to cover the closing costs on my house” porno fire sale, if it’s still going on, just have her drop me a note. I’d be happy to help out.

  3. terry
    Posted October 15, 2005 at 3:55 pm | Permalink

    Dairy Queen is another reason to like Kyle. I’d date a girl if it meant I could get free Moolattes although the girls at the local DQ’s here don’t look anything like models. They usually have bad tattoos and meeth. One of my LJ friends tried out for Top Model and wrote about it. Kami says she made her closing costs and thanked all her fans for their help. You can probably still get an autographed copy of Cheek Freaks or Double Cum Cocktails if you still want it.

  4. mark
    Posted October 15, 2005 at 7:53 pm | Permalink

    Your Live Journal friend is my friend, Terry. (You must have met by mentioning Crimewave or Monkey Power in your bios.) Steph’s been a reader of Crimewave since she was like 12 years old. She’s a cool girl, and the closest thing I’ve got to a protege since Chuck, the other kid we know about who grew up reading Crimewave, fell off the face of the earth. So, I’m begging you, Terry, please don’t suck her into your underworld of fith. I couldn’t live with myself…

    As for Cheek Freaks, I notice it’s off my Amazon wish list. I think that one of my relatives must have already gotten it for me for Christmas.

  5. terry
    Posted October 15, 2005 at 9:01 pm | Permalink

    Oh yeah, I believe Steph found my LJ because I was the only or at least first person to have Crimewave listed as an interest. She does a good journal although I don’t comment enough in it same as yours. And I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned porn in my LJ just mainly snacks and stuff I found at the dollar store. Did you know you can get Hungry Hungry Hippos on a keychain now? Hope you like Cheek Freaks. In the BTS Kami eats french fries and then urinates in the parking lot.

  6. mark
    Posted October 15, 2005 at 9:09 pm | Permalink

    They serve fries at the British Thoratic Society?

  7. terry
    Posted October 15, 2005 at 9:14 pm | Permalink

    They do only they call them chips.

  8. mark
    Posted October 15, 2005 at 9:28 pm | Permalink

    Seriously, what’s BTS? Is that porn lingo or someplace where you can buy fries and urinate?

  9. terry
    Posted October 15, 2005 at 9:51 pm | Permalink

    It stands for Behind The Scenes which is a common special feature on adult DVD’s. They’re often more entertaining than the movie.

  10. dorothy
    Posted October 16, 2005 at 10:35 am | Permalink

    i want to know what “meeth” are. sounds kinky

  11. mark
    Posted October 16, 2005 at 12:08 pm | Permalink

    I’m guessing “meeth” is something like “mouse teeth” – really small, sharp teeth.

  12. terry
    Posted October 16, 2005 at 4:47 pm | Permalink

    “Meeth” is short for meth teeth. That’s where your teeth look like tops of little castles from too much crank. It’s pretty common in these parts.

  13. Posted October 16, 2005 at 5:39 pm | Permalink

    Why do people continue putting something in their body that looks and smells like it was scraped up off the bottom of the cat box?

  14. [steph]
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 3:56 am | Permalink

    It is I, the infamous Steph. That LJ entry I wrote about the audition was somewhat half-assed, now that I look back at it. But it’s nice to know people are still talking about it… I will write a real review of that odd experience this week (for real this time). Just for you, Mark, my guru.
    And can I just say, I was completely pissed when that pageant bitch quit! Some of us out here in fans-of-ANTM land actually WANTED to be on the show and wouldn’t have quit like dumb twats! It would be one retarded thing if she’d quit back when her hair was a disgusting ten feet long, but she let them cut it! Down to like 2 inches. And when they wanted to make it 1 inch instead, she goes and quits! God forbid they cut it so it’ll take a whole week longer to grow out. I mean, a girl’s got principles. Especially a girl who posed topless for one of the first photoshoots. They shoulda picked me, man. I might not have cried as much as her, but I have been known for talking some (slightly high brow but still ratings-friendly profane) shit. And that’s good tv. AND my hair is already short, but if they wanted to shave me bald, I’d do it. Or if they wanted to give me ass-length extensions (an idea I find unpleasant, though not to the point of being a lame quitter…) I’d deal.

  15. [steph]
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 4:02 am | Permalink

    I wish you would write a little thing about what you like about America’s Next Top Model. I love the show but in a way that is difficult to explain, especially to my many feminist friends who find my enjoyment of it disturbing. As your protege, I would be relieved to be able to adopt whatever explanation for liking it you put forth.

  16. Tony Buttons
    Posted October 18, 2005 at 9:45 am | Permalink

    As this site is internationally known for ball-shaving, I suspect there might be a little twist when it comes to the Next Top Protege make-overs.

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