heroin’s chic, coke isn’t

Kate Moss, the splinter-thin British model who burst onto the international fashion scene at the age of 14, popularizing the so-called “heroin chic” waif look that would come to define the early 90’s, was caught on film snorting coke a few days ago by a tabloid hell-bent on revenge… As she’s been in rehab before, and once claimed to have not been sober on a catwalk in over a decade, you’d think that people in the industry wouldn’t be too surprised, but, judging from their public statements, this is the single most shocking thing they could have ever imagined. And, as small as she is, Moss doesn’t seem to be able to wiggle free from the consequences.

She’s tried to play the “blame game,” claiming that it was all her boyfriend’s fault. To drive home the point, she even dumped said boyfriend. But, none of that seems to mattered to the companies that had her on contract, companies that I dare say probably supplied coke in the past, or at least tacitly endorsed the use of drugs that kept Moss “heroin chic.” They were all determined to stay on message once photos of the model bumping lines with a rolled-up five pound note hit newsstands, and their incredibly, if not too convincingly, self-righteous tone was consistent across the board. And neither her dropping the boyfriend, or her subsequent apology could change that. She’d crossed the line by getting caught, and she had to pay a price for it. (The last I heard was that she’d be losing over $7 million a year because of it.)

It would appear as though she’s now lost every contract she had. And, worse yet, Scotland Yard is investigating whether or not they can pursue charges based upon the photographic evidence… But, all is not lost. I’ve heard that the Church of Scientology has extended a hand in friendship, offering to help her through this difficult time… So, who knows, this could turn out to be a really good thing for her. (That, in case you were wondering, is what sarcasm sounds like.)

So, right now I’m sitting here at my desk wondering if perhaps she might be desperate enough to consider doing an Ypsipanty ad for Crimewave Inc., or maybe even being our official spokesmodel. I know it’s not high fashion, but we could probably come up with enough money so that she could score coke and laxatives for a few days… Actually, in all seriousness, I do have an idea as to how she might be able to pull herself out of this mess and salvage something of her career. (And I realize that by telling you this, I run the risk of looking even more pathetic…) She could take over the judging seat vacated by Janice Dickinson on the reality series “America’s Next Top Model.” As much as I like Twiggy (who’s filling in now), she’s just not a good replacement for the catty, plastic-faced bitch we so adored… (Now begins the arduous work of winning back your respect, if you ever had any for me to begin with.)

One last idea, and this is one that I’d been saving for Christy Turlington… but, since she’s in a jam, I’ll offer it to Moss…. For a long time, I’ve been wanting to collaborate with a supermodel on a record inspired by the classic work done by the Velvet Underground and the model Nico. The record, which would be called “The Monkey Power Trio and Kate Moss,” would have the image of a single piece of fruit on the cover, maybe a kumquat. That’s where my idea ends, but I think that’s enough, by itself, to sell a million copies… Now, who knows how I can get her number?

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18 Comments

  1. Posted September 23, 2005 at 11:00 am | Permalink

    Write your request on a rolled up 5 pound note?

  2. Tony Buttons
    Posted September 23, 2005 at 11:02 am | Permalink

    Everyone loves sausage, but no one likes seeing how it’s made.

  3. Teddy Glass
    Posted September 23, 2005 at 11:09 am | Permalink

    I like Collin’s idea. It would be a lot less expensive than what I had in mind, which was spelling out “markmaynard.com” in blow.

  4. chris
    Posted September 23, 2005 at 12:37 pm | Permalink

    Jesus, Tony you are seriously funny. Do you do this for a living?

    BTW Mark, I cannot tell you how grateful I am for your little post on this. It truy made my day. Your blog was beginning to be a bit like the “New Yorker”. You know, article after article about the miserable state of American domestic and international policy, replete w/ bios of neocons. Then, every once in a while you get some breathing space…like the food issue.

    I first read about this story on the free subway, and was determined to find more info. Even if it meant that I had to find the correct application for a bit torrent download. No I do not need to.

    KUDOS on a job well done.

    I am know trying to figure out the evolutional psychology behind my delight with this story.

  5. TD
    Posted September 23, 2005 at 2:44 pm | Permalink

    Jealousy, I would suspect.

  6. chris
    Posted September 23, 2005 at 5:49 pm | Permalink

    Maybe, but the freaky part is jealousy of which aspect of the story? Her waif like beauty, her million dollar contracts for standing there. Or better yet, her ability to do massive amounts of drugs w/o any fear or guilt given that she is a mother.

    Or maybe it is that she is fucking a rock star four/five years her junior who looks vaguely like an ex of mine. Or that she had the good fortune of having the other parent of her child being a media mogul.

  7. Posted September 23, 2005 at 11:51 pm | Permalink

    You might enjoy this slightly related article by Mark Morford on the state of rock and roll and rail-thin models.

    http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/gate/archive/2005/09/23/notes092305.DTL&nl=fixtitle=onthedeathofrockandfashion

    My favorite line about the models: “They were like paper cuts with eyes.”

  8. mark
    Posted September 25, 2005 at 9:14 pm | Permalink

    Thanks, Keith… I’ll check it out.

  9. Jessica
    Posted September 26, 2005 at 1:05 pm | Permalink

    Adding insult to injury, some Brits are now calling her a “soapy minger”!

    http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/26/business/26link.html?8hpib

  10. john galt
    Posted September 27, 2005 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    Having stayed away from both, which is more physically addictive heroin or Cocaine? I was sure they were all on meth, but I guess that hurts your looks.. BTW wtf is a soapy minger?

  11. chris
    Posted September 27, 2005 at 8:53 pm | Permalink

    John you beat me to it. What is a soapy minger?

    Also, the most addictive drug is tobacco. Harder to kick than heroin but has strangely stabilizing powers on schizophrenics…or so I hear.

  12. mark
    Posted September 27, 2005 at 9:28 pm | Permalink

    Follow Jessica’s link…. and you’ll find the definition for soapy minger.

  13. ruth
    Posted November 14, 2005 at 12:23 am | Permalink

    i think that the fucker who wrote this is jelous because kate has more money than he does, kate is famous. everyone with a brain knows that the whole fashion world revolves around drugs and every supermodel does it. its just when its showed in pictures behind the scenes to the world, people dont want to see it!
    you are a knob and i dont think you have the right to criticise kate for this. fucking burberry hooks up the coke for their models!
    trust me mate you dont know the half of it the only way you will is if you were a model and i doubt you ever will be you fucking prick

  14. jim
    Posted November 14, 2005 at 9:42 pm | Permalink

    yeah go ruth! that is so tru

  15. mark
    Posted November 14, 2005 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

    Et tu, Jim?

  16. be OH bE
    Posted November 15, 2005 at 11:03 am | Permalink

    yeah Mark, quit bein’ such a right jealous wanker!

    Like ruth said, you have no right to critisize someone who is worth more money than you and is more well known to the general public. None a’tall.

    ruth, however, she sounds like the type of person who DOES know the half of it. And if she wouldn’t have gotten knocked up senior year and had to marry that soapy knob, I’m sure she would be living the blow-snortin’, meal-purgin’, formerly-Johnny-Depp-bangin’, jet-setter lifestyle right now.

    Keep fighting the good fight, ruth. I’m sure Kate appreciates that you’ve got her back on this one.

  17. Shanster
    Posted November 15, 2005 at 1:17 pm | Permalink

    My guess is that ruth is just upset because someone pilfered her Shift key. She has also showed shes jelous of you’re speling and punkchewation.

  18. Teddy Glass
    Posted November 15, 2005 at 3:22 pm | Permalink

    I ‘ate yer too. I ‘ate yor website. Yer can’t ‘ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Yer were mean ter Kate Moss. I will never return ‘ere again. Yer should be flushed dahn the toilet bowl. Yor evil soapy wanker, you ‘ere.

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