Ken Ham has got a podcast!… You have to listen to this! You have to! He’s asking for money to get the message of Creationism into America’s prisons. (Actually, it’s not that interesting, so I suppose you don’t “have to” listen to it. I just got a bit swept up in the excitement of hearing his warm, commanding voice.) It’s more of a thirty-second ad spot than what I’d consider a real “podcast,” but my guess is that it’s just an early foray into the medium. In time, if there’s money in it, I’m sure he’ll have a daily creationism program available for download… For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Ham, he’s the Australian ex-patriot behind the evangelical anti-science group, Answers in Genesis. He’s also the author of books like “Dinosaurs in Eden,” and the man behind the Creationism Museum being built right now in Kentucky, just miles from the home of my parents.

Some of you wrote in yesterday to question why it was that I seemed so pissed about Ham’s museum, as it is, after all, a private enterprise, and he doesn’t appear to be taking any of our tax dollars. Well, it’s because I suspect, once it’s built, the Creation Museum, like most museums, will see school groups as their primary source of income. It’s not really being discussed now, but my feeling is that Ham will probably start appealing to schools, perhaps offering discounted programs that other secular non-profit enterprises in the region can’t match… the same way that the Church of Scientology is presently offering to provide “educational” materials on health to financially strapped inner-city school districts. It’s a slippery slope and I think we need to recognize that fact and start the debate now, before the entity is created.

If you would like to support the work of Mr. Ham, there are ample opportunities on his site. If I were you, I’d buy one of the limited edition posters like the one right here… I love the way the early morning sunlight is glistening off the back of the wooly mammoth as it approaches the ark. That was one of my favorite scenes in the Bible and I’d just love to have it here in my home. Not only is it beautiful though, it’s an investment. (The site says that it’s a “limited edition,” but there’s no mention of how many the edition is limited to.) And, for just $1,500 you can get a copy “on canvas.” (The $1,000 version is on paper.)

I’ve been obsessed with Ken Ham for the past few days. I hesitate to tell you this, because I’m afraid that word might get back to him, but I’m about to come forward with conclusive evidence that he is in fact Dr. Zaius, the orangutan elder from “Planet of the Apes.” (Am I the only one that finds the resemblance uncanny? I’ve asked a few people now, and no one seems to see it but me.)

Getting back to the question of whether or not dinosaurs existed during Biblical times… Let’s say that I can put aside all the evidence to the contrary and allow myself to believe that the world is only ten thousand years old (instead of several billion). And, let’s say that I can accept the idea that, even though there’s no evidence to support it, dinosaurs and men coexisted on the earth at the same time. Let’s say all of that is true… How then could I accept the word of a book that makes no mention of the ravenous pterodactyls that must have been circling the hill on which Jesus was crucified? How could I accept the word of a book that, while going into great detail over many other things, never even mentions that there were upright-walking lizard creatures (T. rexes) with teeth the size of the tablets containing the Ten Commandments?

The apostles mention cows, pigs, doves, serpents, goats, sheep and any number of other animals, but yet not any of the creatures that modern researchers claim couldn’t have been there…. If you bought a book about the history of domestic companion animals in the United States and there were no mention of dogs, you’d probably think that the rest of the book was full of shit too, right? How observant could the apostles have been if they didn’t see these gigantic beasts? You’ve seen Jurassic Park, right? They’re fucking huge… and they tend to kind of be pests, with their flesh eating and all.

Don’t you discount every other observation the authors of the Bible made when you insist that they lived among, but were apparently oblivious to, giant carnivorous reptiles? Can these people like Ken Ham really not see that they might be doing irreparable harm to Christianity? I know that a lot of Americans apparently believe this stuff, but is this really a gamble that you want to take? Do you want to pin the future of your religion to a preposterous notion like this?

Well, once again I’ve taken up all my blogging time with this nonsense when I should have been writing about other stuff, like the fact that 11 of the 13 most corrupt members of Congress are Republicans, the fact that FEMA has inexplicably put Mike “Brownie” Brown back on the payroll, and the most recent sign of the Apocalypse.

And, in conclusion, I have absolutely no idea what it means that Ken Ham is Dr. Zaius. I suspect it has something to do with his wanting to hide the evidence of evolution from future generations. Maybe the Monkey Power Trio was rignt and Planet of the Apes was real, and Dr. Zaius is here now laying the groundwork… I’m tired.

Just when you thought that things couldn’t possibly get any worse… Last night, standing in line at the grocery store, I noticed that the National Enquirer was reporting that Hurricane Katrina had blown our President right off the wagon (and, it stands to reason, out of the arms of his personal savior, Jesus Christ). I may be giving the Enquirer way too much credit here, but my guess is that this isn’t a story that they’d fabricate, given the liklihood of a lawsuit.

When I drink, I don’t trust myself around a telephone, let alone a car. I can’t imagine what it would be like constantly having “the nuclear football” within reach… Let’s hope the Emergency War Officer whose job it is to hold the football is good at deflecting the advances of drunks and changing the subject when the President starts to mumble about “evil doers.” (“How ’bout them Redskins, Mr. President?”)

update: I just wrote a joke…

“What’s the difference between George W. Bush and New Orleans?”

“New Orleans will eventually dry out.”