drunk on patriotism and dripping blood

    I’m tired. I just got back from a dozen hours of tradeshow duty, and I think have about six strains of the flu… You might not know this about me, but I dislike touching strangers… Anyway, I feel like boiling my hands…. Here’s something to enjoy in my absence — a new drawing from our staff artist, Ken.

    Mark, I found this image out there on the internets of the brand new Chevy Guzzler. It gets 1 mile per 2 gallons of gas and has absolutely no emission controls so the thick plumes of noxious black smoke will leave them peaceniks chained to their trees clamoring for the indoors.

    My arms are bloody from all the scratching.

    Please pray for me like you’ve never prayed before.

    Posted in Mark's Life | 7 Comments

    so, what’s up?

    I have to wake up and go to work at 5:30 AM tomorrow morning, so I won’t be staying up late to read the news and agonize over my silly, little posts… So, I’d like to open the floor to your comments. If you have anything to say, here’s your chance. Feel free to criticize the site, tell us about yourself, or just recommend a favorite TV show or podcast. Seriously, if you’ve got something to say, anything at all, here’s your chance. Surely you have something interesting to share, even if it’s just a distant memory of your first kiss, a favorite recipe, a guess as to when the Republicans will have DeLay “terminated,” or some piece of practical advice that we can all learn from.

    Posted in Other | 23 Comments

      i’m on to you, dr. zaius

      Ken Ham has got a podcast!… You have to listen to this! You have to! He’s asking for money to get the message of Creationism into America’s prisons. (Actually, it’s not that interesting, so I suppose you don’t “have to” listen to it. I just got a bit swept up in the excitement of hearing his warm, commanding voice.) It’s more of a thirty-second ad spot than what I’d consider a real “podcast,” but my guess is that it’s just an early foray into the medium. In time, if there’s money in it, I’m sure he’ll have a daily creationism program available for download… For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Ham, he’s the Australian ex-patriot behind the evangelical anti-science group, Answers in Genesis. He’s also the author of books like “Dinosaurs in Eden,” and the man behind the Creationism Museum being built right now in Kentucky, just miles from the home of my parents.

      Some of you wrote in yesterday to question why it was that I seemed so pissed about Ham’s museum, as it is, after all, a private enterprise, and he doesn’t appear to be taking any of our tax dollars. Well, it’s because I suspect, once it’s built, the Creation Museum, like most museums, will see school groups as their primary source of income. It’s not really being discussed now, but my feeling is that Ham will probably start appealing to schools, perhaps offering discounted programs that other secular non-profit enterprises in the region can’t match… the same way that the Church of Scientology is presently offering to provide “educational” materials on health to financially strapped inner-city school districts. It’s a slippery slope and I think we need to recognize that fact and start the debate now, before the entity is created.

      If you would like to support the work of Mr. Ham, there are ample opportunities on his site. If I were you, I’d buy one of the limited edition posters like the one right here… I love the way the early morning sunlight is glistening off the back of the wooly mammoth as it approaches the ark. That was one of my favorite scenes in the Bible and I’d just love to have it here in my home. Not only is it beautiful though, it’s an investment. (The site says that it’s a “limited edition,” but there’s no mention of how many the edition is limited to.) And, for just $1,500 you can get a copy “on canvas.” (The $1,000 version is on paper.)

      I’ve been obsessed with Ken Ham for the past few days. I hesitate to tell you this, because I’m afraid that word might get back to him, but I’m about to come forward with conclusive evidence that he is in fact Dr. Zaius, the orangutan elder from “Planet of the Apes.” (Am I the only one that finds the resemblance uncanny? I’ve asked a few people now, and no one seems to see it but me.)

      Getting back to the question of whether or not dinosaurs existed during Biblical times… Let’s say that I can put aside all the evidence to the contrary and allow myself to believe that the world is only ten thousand years old (instead of several billion). And, let’s say that I can accept the idea that, even though there’s no evidence to support it, dinosaurs and men coexisted on the earth at the same time. Let’s say all of that is true… How then could I accept the word of a book that makes no mention of the ravenous pterodactyls that must have been circling the hill on which Jesus was crucified? How could I accept the word of a book that, while going into great detail over many other things, never even mentions that there were upright-walking lizard creatures (T. rexes) with teeth the size of the tablets containing the Ten Commandments?

      The apostles mention cows, pigs, doves, serpents, goats, sheep and any number of other animals, but yet not any of the creatures that modern researchers claim couldn’t have been there…. If you bought a book about the history of domestic companion animals in the United States and there were no mention of dogs, you’d probably think that the rest of the book was full of shit too, right? How observant could the apostles have been if they didn’t see these gigantic beasts? You’ve seen Jurassic Park, right? They’re fucking huge… and they tend to kind of be pests, with their flesh eating and all.

      Don’t you discount every other observation the authors of the Bible made when you insist that they lived among, but were apparently oblivious to, giant carnivorous reptiles? Can these people like Ken Ham really not see that they might be doing irreparable harm to Christianity? I know that a lot of Americans apparently believe this stuff, but is this really a gamble that you want to take? Do you want to pin the future of your religion to a preposterous notion like this?

      Well, once again I’ve taken up all my blogging time with this nonsense when I should have been writing about other stuff, like the fact that 11 of the 13 most corrupt members of Congress are Republicans, the fact that FEMA has inexplicably put Mike “Brownie” Brown back on the payroll, and the most recent sign of the Apocalypse.

      And, in conclusion, I have absolutely no idea what it means that Ken Ham is Dr. Zaius. I suspect it has something to do with his wanting to hide the evidence of evolution from future generations. Maybe the Monkey Power Trio was rignt and Planet of the Apes was real, and Dr. Zaius is here now laying the groundwork… I’m tired.

      Posted in Observations | 45 Comments

      in the town of bedrock

      They’re apparently about halfway done with the new $25 million “biblical interpretation” museum being built in Petersburg, Kentucky, right outside of Cincinnati (formerly “Porkopolis”). Here are a few clips from an update that ran in today’s Washington Post:

      …The guide, a soft-spoken fellow with a scholarly aspect, walks through the halls of this handsome, half-finished museum and points to the sculpture of a young velociraptor.

      “We’re placing this one in the hall that explains the post-Flood world,” explains the guide. “When dinosaurs lived with man.”

      A reporter has a question or two about this dinosaur-man business, but Mark Looy — the guide and a vice president at the museum — already has walked over to the lifelike head of a T. rex, with its three-inch teeth and carnivore’s grin.

      “We call him our ‘missionary lizard,’ ” Looy says. “When people realize the T. rex lived in Eden, it will lead us to a discussion of the gospel. The T. rex once was a vegetarian, too”…

      “Evolutionary Darwinists need to understand we are taking the dinosaurs back,” says Kenneth Ham, president of Answers in Genesis-USA, which is building the museum. “This is a battle cry to recognize the science in the revealed truth of God”…

      Polls taken last year showed that 45 percent of Americans believe that God created humans in their present form 10,000 years ago (or less) and that man shares no common ancestor with the ape. Only 26 percent believe in the central tenet of evolution, that all life descended from a single ancestor…

      According to the same article, there’s another Creationist organization there that’s organizing expeditions to the highlands of Papua New Guinea to search for “living pterodactyls.”

      Closer to home, the battle for America’s classrooms was initiated in the Pennsylvania courts today as a federal judge began hearing arguments as to whether Intelligent Design can be taught alongside evolution.

      And, remember, this is just the kind of case that will probably wind up in front of the Supreme Court. So, before you decide to just passively sit by and allow John Roberts to take his seat on the high court, you might want to consider whether or not you like the idea of your children being taught about Christianity in science class, from textbooks, like the one shown above, that feature vegetarian dinosaurs frolicking playfully in front of what appear to be Biblical townhome communities. As unthinkable as that might have been even ten years ago, that’s exactly where we’re headed.

      On the subject of the Roberts nomination, according to the most recent information I have access to, Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow has said that she would vote no, and, as of right now, our other Senator, Carl Levin, has yet to take a position one way or the other. (If you would like to speak to someone in the Senator’s office, and ask that he please vote “no” on this important matter, you can call (202) 224-6221.)

      And, while we’re on the subject of evolution, I’ve got two more links to share. The first will take you to an interesting series at MSNBC on the future of evolution on Earth (if you believe in such “Christ-hating” concepts). And, the second will take you to a humor piece on Intelligent Design from the new issue of The New Yorker.

      I have a lot more to say, but it’s already an hour past my newly imposed bed-time… Good night, my invisible friends. (Let’s all try to dream of dinosaurs tonight!)

      Posted in Church and State | 31 Comments

      down twelve steps to armageddon

      Just when you thought that things couldn’t possibly get any worse… Last night, standing in line at the grocery store, I noticed that the National Enquirer was reporting that Hurricane Katrina had blown our President right off the wagon (and, it stands to reason, out of the arms of his personal savior, Jesus Christ). I may be giving the Enquirer way too much credit here, but my guess is that this isn’t a story that they’d fabricate, given the liklihood of a lawsuit.

      When I drink, I don’t trust myself around a telephone, let alone a car. I can’t imagine what it would be like constantly having “the nuclear football” within reach… Let’s hope the Emergency War Officer whose job it is to hold the football is good at deflecting the advances of drunks and changing the subject when the President starts to mumble about “evil doers.” (“How ’bout them Redskins, Mr. President?”)

      update: I just wrote a joke…

      “What’s the difference between George W. Bush and New Orleans?”

      “New Orleans will eventually dry out.”

      Posted in Observations | 11 Comments

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