santorum in aisle six: another reason to hate wal-mart

(note: The following post is about Senator Rick Santorum, not “santorum,” the noun, which is defined as “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”)

The Daily Kos links to an interesting article that ran in a Pennsylvania newspaper today. The article is on a proposed Wal-Mart and how people in Senator Rick Santorum’s neighborhood are attempting to fight it off, without much help from him… As coincidence would have it, you see, while they were fighting Wal-Mart off, their neighbor, the “family values” Senator, was being flown around Florida (where he was raising money by telling fundamentalist crowds about the activist liberal judges that were murdering Terry Schiavo) on a private Wal-Mart jet. Here’s the quote:

“…Especially over the din of Wal-Mart corporate jet — the jet that recently chauffeured the Republican around the Sunshine State while Santorum alternately mugged for the cameras on Terri Schiavo’s death watch and raised some $250,000 in campaign cash from deep-pocketed Florida donors.”

The discussion at the Daily Kos site is worth reading. Lots of folks, it seems, share the opinion that we need to aggressively go after Wal-Mart, tying them as tightly as we can to the GOP in the process. And, instances like this one with Santorum are perfect opportunities to do just that.

The bottom line is – the GOP doesn’t care about you. They care about corporate profits. (They’ll help Wal-Mart keep truck drivers on the road 16 hours a day, even if doing so threatens the safety of your family.) They care about Wal-Mart, not the individual small business owner that gets run out of business, and certainly not the Wal-Mart employee. They care about cheap labor and tax cuts for the wealthy. Wal-Mart owns Senators like Rick Santorum. The GOP and Wal-Mart are two sides of the same coin. They’re bottom-feeding parasites that thrive on the things that are worst for this country and the its middle class.

And, while we’re on the subject of Wal-Mart, here’s a little something that I picked up from the Suds and Soliloquies site… Did you know that Wal-Mart singles nights might not be too far off in the US? Here’s a clip from CNN:

According to Amy Wyatt, spokeswoman for the retailer’s international operations, Wal-Mart’s been running its “Singles Shopping” campaign in all of its 91 stores in Germany.

Here’s how its works.

On Friday nights, singles looking for romance, mindless flirting or just a new friend head over to their neighborhood Wal-Mart where they’re given a big bright red bow to attach to their shopping cart or shopping basket.

Then it’s up to the willing participants to approach one another and take it from there.

But if that’s too intimidating, Wal-Mart has set up “flirting points” around the stores stacked with “romantic” merchandise, such as chocolates, wine and cheese, to help with that first awkward step.

Can you imagine anything more pathetically sad than standing around a scented candle display at a Wal-Mart “flirting point” on a Friday night, just waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right? If no one’s approached Wal-Mart yet about spinning it into a reality television show, I’m going to. Can you just imagine the drama? Drunk mothers shooing children away as they lean seductively against boxes of beef jerky. Men stealing splashes of Old Spice between romantic encounters. It could be bigger than COPS.

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12 Comments

  1. Sticks
    Posted April 14, 2005 at 11:53 pm | Permalink

    Holy jebus, singles night at walmart? We’re supposed to get those that frequent the store OUT of the gene pool, not to produce more hellspawns.

  2. be OH be
    Posted April 15, 2005 at 8:55 am | Permalink

    “Shop here often?”

    “You look mighty cute standing next to that stack of bargain DVD players”

    “Care to browse for athletic supporters with me?”

    “Do you know if they sell anything here that would get a santorum stain out of cashmere?”

  3. Tony Buttons
    Posted April 15, 2005 at 9:38 am | Permalink

    A year or so ago, there was a group suggesting that people print fake barcodes on sticker paper and then covertly affix them to products in Wal-Mart. The thought being that it would creat all kinds of havoc in the store. It’s an idea that I liked, but never got around to participating in. (They had fake barcodes available for download online.) I was just thinking that perhaps somethign similar could be done with a baby food jar full of santorum and a paintbrush. What if we all committed to “santoruming” a dozen random products next week, and then issued a press release? People would stay away and Wal-Mart would lose millions in lost sales. Of course, I suppose, given the chance of e-coli, you could be charged with bio-terrorism (instead of just vandalism), but otherwise I think it’s a good idea.

  4. Tony Buttons
    Posted April 15, 2005 at 9:41 am | Permalink

    Or, what about just turning Wal-Marts into gay clubs and, in the process, completely driving their regular clientele away? Perhaps we could get Dan Savage to announce an “anonymous gay sex” night at Wal-Mart. Maybe a Friday in June.

  5. Posted April 15, 2005 at 10:14 am | Permalink

    Wal*mart needs to come down. Hard. Now.

    But be careful how you cast people who shop there. If you come across as condescending and superior, the people who do shop there are going to tune out, and the conservative story of the “latte liberal” is going to resonate. The people who shop at Wal*mart are largely lower-income people, and they are the ones we need to bring Wal*mart down. They are the ones who could benefit most by doing so…

  6. Kristin
    Posted April 15, 2005 at 10:20 am | Permalink

    Singles night at Walmart? That’s going to net me one fine fella, hopefully with a mullet and a big pick-up truck with a “Calvin peeing” sticker in the back window. Judgers!

  7. Tony Buttons
    Posted April 15, 2005 at 10:34 am | Permalink

    I couldn’t agree with you more, Scott. What we say and do here, in the privacy of this secret think tank, should not be incorporated into the public face of any campaign.

  8. Posted April 15, 2005 at 12:46 pm | Permalink

    Yeah, but I’ve found it’s easier to treat people with respect publicly when you treat them with respect all the time. Even if they prefer mullets and camaros.

    And what happens when they stumble in to your secret meeting and find out what you really think?

  9. Tony Buttons
    Posted April 15, 2005 at 1:35 pm | Permalink

    You make it sound like anyone with an internet connection could access this page.

  10. be OH be
    Posted April 15, 2005 at 2:05 pm | Permalink

    Tony, it seems to me that you wouldn’t even have to santorumize anything. Just the suggestion that it had been done would be enough to keep many people away.

    I also liked your anonymous gay sex night idea. I’d take it step further and suggest that participants dress in flaming leather biker gear. I think if the average shopper walked in and saw a group of mustachioed men in ass-bearing oufits, they’d promptly head straight for the exit. And I do mean ‘straight’.

    But it can’t end there. This think tank should keep brainstorming ideas for making the Waltons’ marts a less desirable place for middle America to shop.

  11. Eric Cartman
    Posted April 16, 2005 at 7:22 pm | Permalink

    We must find the heart of the walmart and destroy it….

  12. mark
    Posted April 16, 2005 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

    There is no heart… I think you have to cut off each of the heads and then sear the necks before they can grow back.

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