Dear Friend;

This message has been sent to you by a friend or a relative who has recently disappeared along with millions and millions of people around the world.

The reason they chose to send you this letter is because they cared about you and would like you to know the truth about where they went.

This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.

If you read a Bible, you will see that after chapter three in the book of Revelation, the church is no longer mentioned as being on earth. (The church are the believers in Jesus Christ, not the buildings in which people meet.)

In the Bible, 1 Thessalonians Chapter 4 verses 16 and 17 tell how Jesus came to take away His church. But, you have to believe the Bible is the Word of God in order to believe this.

I am sure that there will be a lot of speculation as to what happened to all these people. The theories of some scientists and world leaders will have so much credibility that most of the world will believe them.

It will sound like the truth!

But, there is only one truth. And, that truth is that Jesus Christ, God in the flesh, came back to earth and took with Him to Heaven all who believed in Him and made Him their Lord.

If you would like to give your life to Jesus Christ and be born again, it is not too late. First you must pray to God saying “Father I admit I am a sinner, and I will turn from my sin and do good. I believe that Jesus was your son and that He came here to die for me so that my sins would be forgiven. I ask you to forgive me and I will repent of my sins. In Jesus name I pray.”

If you just prayed that prayer and meant it with all your heart, then God will know you as one of His own. You should now seek out others who have also given their lives to Christ, read a Bible daily, and do your best to bring others to Christ.

God bless you.

I always thought that the people not taken up in the rapture would be consumed by the lakes of fire, or at least be a little preoccupied by all the wailing and gnashing of teeth, but apparently that’s not the case. When all the evangelicals float off to heaven, we’ll still apparently have access to email. We’ll still be able to get notes like this one above, prewritten by our spiritual superiors, the neighbors, coworkers and scowling aunts that have left us suddenly to go and sit smugly by the side of God. As someone who’s not planning on floating off to heaven, I think that’s pretty good news. But, if I’m reading this correctly, it’s even better than that. Not only will we be able to surf the net, but we’ll also have another chance, should we want it, at getting to heaven… even if we weren’t one of God’s first round draft picks. All we have to do is find one of the several Bible’s that’s been “left behind,” and start praying. How cool is that?

Oh, and if you want to have letters like this one sent to your evil heathen friends upon God’s return to earth, you can do so at Rapture Letters dotcom. And, if you’re the kind of person that feels guilty for taking advantage of a service like this without paying, don’t worry. There are ample opportunities to leave donations.

Now, who wants to set up an alternative site where you can send anonymous letters to your evangelical friends explaining in detail why they haven’t been lifted out of their clothes and sucked into outerspace yet?

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  1. Teddy Glass
    Posted April 7, 2005 at 10:28 am | Permalink

    I might get upset if, say, all the doctors were threatening to leave the planet, or all the college professors, but this is the evangelicals. It’s like having the worst student in class threatening not to work with you on a group assignment or something.

    And I think that it’s good that they’re planning to send letters. A lot of us probably wouldn’t realize they were gone otherwise.

  2. Suzie
    Posted April 7, 2005 at 2:22 pm | Permalink

    I guess the Bible didn’t have a verse that just said “neener neener neener.”

  3. Posted April 7, 2005 at 5:23 pm | Permalink

    I just wish their types didn’t all drive breeder – 15 passenger vans. ‘Cause I’m countin’ on them “Come the Rapture, Can I Have Your Car?” as prophetic.

  4. Posted April 7, 2005 at 5:33 pm | Permalink

    I haven’t received any good spam in quite some time. Just the lame ones saying “cheap meds and software by the buttload”. You get all the good spam.

  5. Secret Rapture
    Posted February 18, 2006 at 1:51 pm | Permalink

    My Inaugural Address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions!

    At: http://www.angelfire.com/crazy/spaceman

    Your jaw will drop!

  6. mark
    Posted February 18, 2006 at 2:34 pm | Permalink

    My jaw did not drop. (My pants have repeatedly dropped today, but that has more to do with my diarrhea than it does with you.) Please move along now.

  7. Stella Magdalen
    Posted February 18, 2006 at 3:20 pm | Permalink

    I’m right there with you, on all three counts

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