mark’s toilet blog

Instead of having a guestbook in our house, I was just thinking about getting an inexpensive laptop and building a little shelf for it in our bathroom so that everyone who sits down on our toilet could blog. I’d make it mandatory somehow… Maybe I’d have the toilet paper locked in some kind of box that only opened once the “post” button was hit… And, if it weren’t too weird, I was thinking that it would also be cool to have a photo of the person to go along with the post. Maybe it would be a shot of their feet as they sat on the toilet, or maybe I could have a camera setup over the sink that took a picture as they washed their hands… Hopefully they all wash their hands… More on this important idea later. Stay tuned.

Note: Guess what? I just wrote this entire post while using the restroom!

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36 Comments

  1. kez
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 2:09 pm | Permalink

    first entry: “Nude blogging scares the shit out of me.”

    Bloggers must wash hands before and after pooping & blogging.

    Nevermand. The germs are grossing me out.

  2. brett
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 2:18 pm | Permalink

    mark, i don’t have children, so you may not appreciate the advice, but I have heard that potty training, which i assume you’ll be dealing with in the near future, can often be a difficult and traumatic proccess for the child. I wouldn’t suggest implementing these ‘improvements’ to your facilities until after that’s been accomplished.

  3. Posted February 26, 2005 at 3:06 pm | Permalink

    I think it’s a fine idea. Blogging after all, is a lot like sitting on the toilet. It’s all about getting it out and the feeling of relief that follows.

    My son took a surprise picture of me sitting on the toilet just last week. I’d be happy to provide it for all those too shy to post their own pictures. Heads could be Photoshopped into place, although the scowl on my face would be hard to surpass.

    I was apparently having a hard time . . . uhhh . . posting.

  4. chris
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 3:44 pm | Permalink

    Come to think of it, I’ve got to post right now. I’ve got a participle dangling.

  5. mark
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 6:23 pm | Permalink

    You people make me sick.

  6. Brad
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 6:26 pm | Permalink

    I think that posting whilst taking a shit is a great idea. Although Brett does have a valid point about potty training. I am in the midst of it and it is, truly, a pain in the ass. Good luck with the box. Also, I really don’t think you want a picture of me on the shitter. It may scare away what little internet traffic you actually have. Good luck and shitspeed.

  7. Ken
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 6:44 pm | Permalink

    Brad, I hope you weren’t talking about potty training yourself! Just messing (pun intended). Mark will have an advantage: he has a girl. You pretty much just point at the toilet and they start doing it.

  8. Brad
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 7:17 pm | Permalink

    Ken – I was referring to potty training my girl (Mad Jill). I wish it were that easy. The problem seems to be that she is much smarter than I am and that she prefers to shit her pants while squatting underneath the dining room table.

  9. Ken
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 8:02 pm | Permalink

    Don’t I know it, brother! They are all smarter than us.

  10. chris
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 8:37 pm | Permalink

    They can read your mind too.

  11. Brad
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 8:40 pm | Permalink

    They can also fuck up your entire world in just a few minutes and change your life forever. Women, can’t live with ’em, can’t rip out their eye sockets and skull fuck ’em.

  12. chris
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 8:45 pm | Permalink

    Wait, I thought we were talking about children, aren’t we? I don’t know what reminded me of this but they caught BTK AND he is a cubscout leader AND a city code inspector (you know like these are PET 2 plastics and we only recycle PETS 5 and 11, now I have to Bind, Torture, and Kill you).

  13. Brad
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 8:58 pm | Permalink

    I thought we were talking about females. Sorry, I was thinking about my wife, not my daughter.

  14. chris
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 9:01 pm | Permalink

    I know, after a day with my kids I am reduced to hiding under the table and shitting my pants too. But thanks to Wellebutrin I am really happy when I’m doing it!

    So Mark, how bout a laptop under you’re table?

  15. mark
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 10:20 pm | Permalink

    I’ve lost control of my website. People are pooping under tables and tearing out eyeballs… Is everyone here drunk tonight? Do I need to open another beer? Is there anyone else form my high school in the audience, just waiting to leap out and startle me when I’m not expecting it?

  16. Brad
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 10:53 pm | Permalink

    Sorry for the shitting under tables and the eye socket and skull thing. Yes, I am drunk. Staying sober doesn’t seem to be my forte. Open another beer and welcome to reality, my friend. You haven’t lost control because you never had it. Good night.

  17. mark
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 10:55 pm | Permalink

    (the sound of a Boddington’s Pub Ale opening)

  18. mike
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 11:25 pm | Permalink

    Mark, I have 2 boddington’s. One was just opened, the other is wating. The NHS section would be cool. Can we have diagrams there? If so, I would like a diagram of me hitting you in the neck with the ball. BRAD— stay sober you cockbite.

  19. mike
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 11:27 pm | Permalink

    fuck -my bad mark – it’s a Beamish Irish Stout.

  20. brett
    Posted February 26, 2005 at 11:56 pm | Permalink

    mark, you’re the one that got me started drinking tonight. bastard.

    but i technically brought up potty training back when i was still sober, so i probably have no excuse.

  21. JF
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 12:00 am | Permalink

    Mark,

    I have 3 children and have managed to screw them all up pretty good so far. My wife says it will all come out in therapy. Gosh I hope so. As far as potty training goes there is no simple answer. My youngest (2) thinks it is pretty cool to wait until we change his diaper and then immediately poop in the fresh one. Then comes back and terrorizes us all with some god awful smell (processed chicken nuggets I think. (insert return for Matt here)

    The best I can offer this group is a kick ass video called “Everybody Poops”. Everytime we watch it I want to come and check this site. Pretty freaky.

  22. mike
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 12:17 am | Permalink

    I have 3 kids also – the oldest(boy) was potty trained with ease, although poop finger painting on the walls called for some pretty interesting ‘talks’. Second one (girl), took some time but is now doing well. She started later than our first. She also is the only one to voluntarily shit in her underwear and run around the house dropping nuggets in each room. She also needs to flush the toilet herself (nobody better dare flush her own waste) and then says “byebye poo” or “byebye pee” each time. If you are in the room with her you must also utter these words OR ELSE! The third(boy) has another year left. He out shits and out eats them all and will definitely need an eye kept on him when he begins launching his loads into the depths of the potty. We’ll have the plunger handy.

  23. JF
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    I need to correct my earlier post. My wife has informed me “Everybody Poops” is the book we read. The video is called “Once Upon a Potty”

    Dont want to post something inaccurate on this site. Magnum PI (Andy) will do his research and accuse me of hiding something and call me a sleazebucket again.

    Separate note what the F is a sleazebucket anyway?

  24. brett
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 1:26 pm | Permalink

    JF-

    In the modern age, most of us get our sleaze quickly and easily via television, the internet, male prostitutes, etc, but in the Olden Tyme Days it wasn’t so simple.

    Pioneers living in the wilderness, far from civilization, were forced to manufacture their own sleaze from scratch. One of the least pleasant jobs, and thus one reserved usually for the younger children, involved using a shoulder yoke to transport the sleaze in buckets back to their crude log cabin. Generally, the settlers themselves had to make the precious sleaze buckets from scratch as well, usually from Oak or other woods that would hold their shape without contracting or expanding due to long periods of storage (sleaze was generally only harvested once per year).

    Frequently, sleaze buckets had bungholes as well, to facilitate dispensing into the sleaze-cistern where the sleaze was eventually collected.

    Now you know!

  25. mark
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 7:39 pm | Permalink

    I’d always heard that the term “sleaze bucket” came about with the immigration of an Irishman named Sleazie O’Buckets in the mid 1800’s. (Among other things, I’d heard that he made a fortune by having buckets of watery feces thrown at well-dressed people outside his We Get Poop Out laundry shop.) As you are the professional historian, however, I will take your word for it. Thanks for taking the time to pass that on.

  26. Doug Skinner
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 8:08 pm | Permalink

    Interesting. Out in Oklahoma, a sleazebucket is a bin for discarded pornography, often placed outside revival meetings. It must be a regional thing.

  27. Anonymatt
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 8:21 pm | Permalink

    JF-

    Congratulations on the third kid. Last time I saw you it was two.

    Congrats to all the other baby owners, too. You all really know how to fuck.

  28. mark
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 8:41 pm | Permalink

    Doug, were you allowed to pick your sleaze back up as you were leaving the revival?

  29. Doug Skinner
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 8:57 pm | Permalink

    Mark — I didn’t go near the place. During the meeting, the collected porn is burned, as the repentant sinners dance around it, whooping like make-believe Indians. It’s a troubling sight, even seen from afar.

  30. chris
    Posted February 27, 2005 at 11:55 pm | Permalink

    Matt, the first one is because of fucking, the second out of responsibility, the third….I don’t know…stupidity…competition…at the very least it requires large consumptions of porn. Possibly even clandestine visits to a stripper bar.

    Or maybe reigious obligation, but still too in this case…porn.

  31. Posted February 28, 2005 at 4:16 am | Permalink

    Guess what, blogging isn’t new, neither is shitting. Blogging used to be called BBS in the last century, then cnn caught on and thought it was cool that people could make up news with a cool name like “Blog”.

    We don’t let things like this happen in Canuckistan…

  32. mark
    Posted February 28, 2005 at 7:41 am | Permalink

    It’s actually even older than that, Rob, if you consider print zines. The format’s a bit different, but they’re essentially the same.

  33. mark
    Posted April 2, 2005 at 2:25 pm | Permalink

    Anyone care to guess what I’m doing aright now?

    I’ll give you a hint… I just ate at the Big Boy breakfast buffet and drank a few cups of coffee.

  34. mark
    Posted June 5, 2005 at 10:51 am | Permalink

    How about now? Can you guess what I’m doing now?

  35. kez panel
    Posted June 5, 2005 at 9:52 pm | Permalink

    Do you need to crack a window?

  36. Posted June 1, 2009 at 5:06 pm | Permalink

    Yup.

    Seriously.

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