“dick, you gotta try this”

A few weeks ago it was all over the press that an entrepreneur in Texas was setting up a system that would allow people to kill animals remotely, via the internet. People, I think rightfully so, were horrified by the idea… Well, I’ve just learned that our military is beginning to roll out a machine gun-equipped robot that would essentially allow them to do the same thing on the ground in Iraq. People miles, even countries, away could be making life and death decisions based upon the images they were being shown on a video screen. One wonders if there will be the same outcry.

Maybe all the Chickenhawks in DC who dodged the draft when they were young, will be able to “prove themselves in battle” now by taking the controls of a joystick and hunting down Iraqi evil-doers from the comfort of their offices.

What if you got your joysticks mixed up and, instead of blowing away the evil-doers, you gave them a hugs, or, worse yet, orgasm after orgasm?!

OK, I admit I know very little about fighting a war, but instead of dropping napalm on people, or sending Terminator robots after them, couldn’t we just figure out way to make the insurgents ejaculate? I’m serious. Why not research some kind of boner ray? Surely that can’t be any weirder a concept than covering people with jellied, burning jet fuel, or microwaving them.

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13 Comments

  1. Lori
    Posted December 3, 2004 at 7:41 am | Permalink

    Hey Mark: This is re: an earlier post, but one of the director’s at work has that eye-twitching thing too and they told her there’s a harmless cyst at the base of her brain that’s putting pressure on whatever nerves happen to control that. Anyway, she basically has to choose between brain surgery and the eye thing….but that’s still better than MS. See a dr.

    L

  2. Posted December 3, 2004 at 8:01 am | Permalink

    Does this actually surprise you? I’ve been expecting killer robots for ages now.

  3. Tony Buttons
    Posted December 3, 2004 at 8:06 am | Permalink

    Yeah, cheer up, Mark. It’s probably just a growth at the base of your brain – nothing that some neural surgery couldn’t cure!

  4. Brett
    Posted December 3, 2004 at 2:31 pm | Permalink

    I don’t THINK this is an urban legend, but I have heard there actually was an orgasm problem that our troops had in the second world war, involving the soldiers who had to stand right next to the largest anti-aircraft cannons on ships, which basically caused so loud a sound and so intense a vibration that some of the men suffered instantaneous ejaculations as a result. I don’t know how that applies here, but it was the only thing in my brain with both the keyword “War” and “Orgasm”.
    The military has sound weapons that cause instant nausea now, so maybe they could just tweak the frequency a bit.

  5. Posted December 3, 2004 at 7:19 pm | Permalink

    I heard about these robots on NPR tonight and was horrified. Seems to reduce war to a video game and to diminish any possibility to recognize the humanity of civilians in the crossfire. It also reminded me of a tidbit Laurie Anderson let slip during her last show in AA: that NASA knowledge about spacesuits is being diverted to the Army for the development of desert Robocop-type suits for future war.

  6. mark
    Posted December 3, 2004 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

    I’d love it if we could just have a giant Ejaculation Ray, and Brett’s letter gives me hope that it’s possible. I think I have finally found my next cause to champion… If I draft a letter will you all sign copies and send them to your Senators?

  7. mark
    Posted December 3, 2004 at 7:44 pm | Permalink

    One wonders how much clearance Laurie Anderson gets as NASA’s Aritst in Residence. I suspect not much, but you never know.

  8. Posted December 3, 2004 at 8:59 pm | Permalink

    Ender’s Game laid out the robot / video game proxy war pretty prophetically. And kids did the killing.

    There was an experimental anti-seizure drug that cause people to orgasm every time they sneezed. I think a crop duster full of that shit and the dry climate in the Middle east could solve all war.

    My brain-eating ameoba infection makes my eyes twitch too … that and diet Coke.

  9. Posted December 4, 2004 at 8:07 pm | Permalink

    Ender’s Game is on my list; I’d heard of it before, but never read it; thanks Leighton.

    Laurie Anderson just finished her term as NASA’s Artist in Residence I think, and NASA is not planning on having another one, regrettably.

  10. Posted December 5, 2004 at 11:58 am | Permalink

    I liked Orson Scott Card better before I found out he was a Mormon.

  11. Brett
    Posted December 5, 2004 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    mark- I have tried to find reference to the wwII anomaly i mention above, with no success. Googling “orgasm+ejaculate+guns+cannons+military” brought plenty of results, i can assure you, but none that fit your needs (I hope). The condition you’re trying to cause would be “spermatorrhoea”, but it generally seems to ‘come up’ only in relation to nocturnal emissions. So, maybe if you figured out a way to make Iraqis have more wet dreams, then they’d be spending an inordinate amount of time secretly washing their bedsheets and would therefore make less effective terrorists.
    I also just learned that a male pig orgasm lasts for 30 minutes, for what that’s worth.

  12. mark
    Posted December 5, 2004 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

    Would anyone like to join me at the next City Council meeting, when I demand to know why the Water Street funds weren

  13. Posted December 8, 2004 at 7:33 am | Permalink

    Laura – Ender’s Game is the only sci-fi book (other than the two classic Asimov) that I ever read. I would definitely recommend it.

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