two apologies in (and one that better be on the way)

It’s not breaking international news or anything, like Colin Powell stepping down so that Condi Rice can slither her incompetent, oily ass into the role of Secretary of State, but I did want to pass along a few items tonight… Over the past few days, two apologies were made to the readers of this site. The first came from the person that I accused of finding this site by searching Google for images of “John Kerry shaving his balls.” It turns out I was wrong, but he’s still sorry. Here’s his explanation/apology:

It was I who Googled “John Kerry Shaving His Balls.” The reason I did this is as lame as the subject itself. I am a fairly regular reader of your blog, and had seen you mention in the past that people had been directed to your site by Googling such oddball phrases as “ball shaving,” “bag full of semen,” etc. I, being something of a neophyte when it comes to Googling for anything, decided to type in the most bizarre phrase I could think of to see if it would really work. Well, By Golly, it did. And now I feel stupid, not only for coming up with a phrase like “John Kerry Shaving His Balls,” but for causing you, through my actions, to feel even more disgusted by and/or ashamed of the American people. Please accept my apologies in this matter. I assure you it won’t happen again.

And that, my friends, is how innocent young men get sucked into the sordid lifestyle of the ball shavers. (Who wants to film the after-school special, if I write the script?)

So, yes, it was indirectly my fault that time… kind of a self-fulfilling ball-shaving prophecy. By ranting too often about the folks that find this site by searching for “ball shaving,” I’ve apparently given rise to more of the same. Who knows where it’ll all end.

The second apology comes from the fellow who called me and my fellow MoveOn volunteers misguided imbeciles. Again, in a way, I guess I’m ultimately responsible for this one too, as I’m the guy who sent people to knock on his door three times on election day, but still… Anyway, you can find his apology posted at his site. It was very nice, and it was accepted. (So please stop writing him angry letters, like the two he links to in his post.)

The third apology, the one I’m still waiting for, should be coming in from a woman that Linette and I have been friends with for many years. A few days ago, she made an offhand comment that our daughter had hair “like an orangutan.” While that irked me a bit, I didn’t start demanding an apology until I’d heard from Linette that this friend had begun suggesting that our small-headed daughter was, “built like the Michelin Man.” While it is true that our daughter’s head is in the 50th percentile, while both her height and weight are near the 90th, I don’t think it was a very nice thing to point out… and that’s why I’m demanding an apology. Of course, as it happens to be true, I don’t know that I have much of a legal leg to stand on. And, again, as I’m at least partially responsible, genetically speaking, for her little head, I should probably accept some of the blame myself.

So, to sum up, I am the root of everything, and no one should ever apologize to me.

Sorry this post sucked. I’ll try harder tomorrow… And tomorrow I won’t be drunk on the champaign that Linette and I had been saving since November 2nd, when we’d planned to be celebrating Bush’s defeat. (I accept no responsibility for that, by the way.)

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  1. Posted November 17, 2004 at 4:12 am | Permalink

    My cousin’s baby is also 90th percentile for body and weight, but head is 50th percentile and I think he’s perfectly adorable. I’ll bet Clementine is too (although I think it’s been much too long since we’ve been graced with a picture).

    People should know never to say anything negative about a baby. It’s just wrong.

  2. mark
    Posted November 17, 2004 at 4:49 am | Permalink

    I’m not really mad about the Michelin Man comment. I think think it’s kind of cute. And, as for her head just being “average,” I guess I’ll just have to get used to it… The only reason it’s something that I think about at all is because I often wish that my head was jack-o-lantern size. I read something years ago where Merv Griffin said that he only hired people with big heads to host his TV game shows, and it really stuck with me. He said that people are more likely to like a person with a big head. So, I’ve been hoping Clementine’s would be huge. I’ll get over it though. As with every other element of my life, I put much too much weight on the opinions of Merv.

  3. Posted November 17, 2004 at 10:49 am | Permalink

    You could try blowing in her nose every morning when Linette’s not looking.

  4. pat
    Posted November 18, 2004 at 10:18 am | Permalink

    I want the name of that so called friend!!! It’s the cutest hair in all of babydom.

  5. mark
    Posted November 18, 2004 at 8:25 pm | Permalink

    I thought you said, “in all baboondom.” Lucky for you, I decided to read your note again before firing off a nasty note.

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