we’re better than you areeeeeeeee……

I’m confused, do we get to keep our clothes when the rapture comes, or not? What about false teeth and hairpieces? I think you should be able to keep all that stuff, and your money too… What good is it being in the presence of God if, without your glasses, you can’t see him?

Clearly the young lady up front got to keep her breast implants and the Collagen in her lips though. That’s encouraging.

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  1. mark
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    I just had a thought… what if the rapture is just a giant cosmic vacuum cleaner sent to suck up all the debris on earth?

  2. mark
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 4:24 pm | Permalink

    And it seems to be implied, by this image, that only hot, young women and men with clothing from the 1970’s will be spared god’s wrath.

  3. Brian
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 4:26 pm | Permalink

    What if we all some how start living in a satellite orbiting earth and when the rapture happens all that gets sucked up is stray dogs?

  4. Brian
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 4:27 pm | Permalink

    Apperently only white people get to go to.

  5. Posted October 9, 2004 at 4:37 pm | Permalink

    Brian, that particular demographic does fairly accurately describe evangelical Christians. However, Mark’s “only hot, young women and men with clothing from the 1970’s” is maybe a little less descriptive. From the looks of those jets shooting out of their feet, the rapture looks a little less like a vacuum and more like some spiritual self-propulsion…cool.

  6. mark
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 4:54 pm | Permalink

    If I’d known it was this cool, I’d have become born again year’s ago. Seriously, if they’d just come out and told me that it was only going to be attractive white people, and that we’d get tennis shoes with rocket boosters, I’d have signed up without a second thought… No wonder these people want to apocalypse so badly.

    And, Brian, you

  7. Kez Panel
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 6:19 pm | Permalink

    Man, what a bizarre coincidence! I’ve seen dozens of “Rapture/Unmanned” bumper stickers and license plates holders this weekend then ever before! What’s the deal with all this Rapture business all of a sudden? Did George Bush mention it? I don’t remember hearing anything about it recently. Why the surge?

  8. mark
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 7:01 pm | Permalink

    The end times are upon us, Kez.

  9. stella
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 7:16 pm | Permalink

    Awww man, maybe those rocket shoes ARE the jetpacks the 60’s promised us and still hasnt delivered, and apparently Im STILL not gonna get one

  10. Brian
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 7:51 pm | Permalink

    If Jesus was to come back and find that the planet was empty I assume that it would be a lot like the Twilight Zone episode “Time Enough at Last” starring Burgess Meredith.

  11. mark
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 8:21 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been looking at this pretty closely for a while now and I think that the guy yelling “The Rapture!!!” is looking up the skirt of the woman in the tight green sweater.

  12. Kez Panel
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    Mark, many questions arise with my scotch & water tonight about this damn Rapture business:

    1. Will the “Rapture” arrive before or after November 2nd?

    2. Should I pack an overnight bag when going to the voting polls?

    3. Will the election officials replace George Bush, John Kerry and Ralph Nader with Anita Baker, Debra Harry and Siouxsie & the Banshees?

    I guess I’ve seen THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE too many times this month…. must stop. must sleep now…. and dream of the raptured queen of diamonds! AAAArrrrgggghhhhhhhh!!!!

  13. Posted October 9, 2004 at 8:55 pm | Permalink

    Call me a snob, but I’m for a segregated heaven – free souls to the right, souls still stuck in bodies to the left. If you think about all of the people that have already died, then the “bodied” people are going to be a very small minority – the handicapped of heaven.

  14. Dave Morris
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 8:56 pm | Permalink

    I think Pat Robertson and his 700 Club junkies deserve a lot of credit for popularizing the end times bullshit. I remember watching that crap on TV back in the late 70’s / early 80’s with him interpreting the book of revelations. My mom was a big fan. I liked the idea of the Beast. I liked dinosaurs when I was a kid and the thought of a big reptile coming to earth and wreaking havoc interested me a lot. It also smacked of the good versus evil on the grand scale – like Ultraman versus Godzilla.

    ( As an aside, I would pay good money to see a well made (read: poorly made) monster film of GIant Jesus versus the Beast.)

    Another component of the early evangelical absurdity was the Non Denominational Prayer Groups. She used to drag my brother and I along to her Friday evening NDPG meetings in the basement library of Our Lady of Good Counsel in Plymouth where these pasty and saccharine people would stand in a group, ask questions, open the bible and find some meaning in a random passage. The most baffling part was watching these grown ups, mother included, “speaking in tongues.” Still sends a low voltage shock up my spinal just recalling the scene.

    My brother and I, needless to say, grew tired of all their nonsense. We would take books out into the hall and throw them at each other ( we were fond of the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drews ), smash chairs together, tear up the flowers outside, etc. Eventually my mom left us at home with good ol pops, the self proclaimed Hedonist, and the boob tube. So much for our salvation.

    I remember my mom buying those little comic books for me at the local christian bookstore- on Ford road just east of Canton Center across from Meijers. Eden Books maybe? I remember one being on the rapture. Don’t remember the specifics. Do remember the floating people though.

    One interpretation of the rapture I remember was that the dead would be brought up first. I had a lot of questions about this one. Sounded pretty cool to me. Pops only shook his head at me when I asked these questions. ” Go ask your mother.”

    I use to try and reason out what exactly the Rature and all the other end of the world prophecies mean, but any attempt at it requires leaving reason behind so it is useless. My feeling is that most of the outspoken Evangelicals / Pentecostals out there have had some tramatic event in their life that has put everything on the level of the emotional. Reason is no longer worth a damn because reason cannot explain their experience or the world around them . Their suffering is a mirror of Christs suffering and through this corollary, their life has purpose. Look at how well “the Passion” did. Every kick, thorn, puncture wound, etc. was a corollary to some perceived personal injustice that could not be reasoned out. I’m not kidding.

    And then I start thinking about how evil travels and what the manifestations of it are…


  15. Posted October 9, 2004 at 10:26 pm | Permalink

    Dave, you didn’t even touch upon the three days of darkness and how we shouldn’t answer the door while it is in progress. That was the thing that hit it home for me!

    Also, I see that Archie, Jughead, Betty, et al. are left behind. And rightly so, the fucking sinners!

  16. Dave Morris
    Posted October 9, 2004 at 10:46 pm | Permalink

    Yeah. The three days of darkness was the one that got me up in a nut. Before the grand finale of corpses flying through the air and the pit of hell opening up so that King Size Christ can toss all us useless pieces of shits in, there is something about the three days of darkness and how there will be no light – save for the blessed candles that my mother and many others have stocked away in their basement. No shit. There is something else about a red light that cirlces around the earth. I can’t remember what it is supposed to do. I have blocked a lot of this out. I had already forgotten about not answering the door. There was a comic book about that one too. Not the kind of stuff you give to a 10 year old. Fucking bizzare.

    I remember trying to reason that one out. Magnetic pulse from nuclear war knocks out all power for 3 days, the darkness is from all the dust kicked up from the bombs, etc. Story of my life – trying to stuff a square peg through a round hole. I know the pieces fit.

    Shouldn’t you be in bed getting your rest Ken? It is late out there in AtlGA. Sleep tight. Make sure you ask the Lord to take your soul if you happen to die before you awake. I suppose that if you are truely good, he’d just take it irregardless of whether you ask politely or not.

  17. mark
    Posted October 10, 2004 at 10:47 am | Permalink

    … No time to respond to Dave, or anyone else now. I’m too busy with real, paying work… I did want to mention, however, that I just got a heads-up from our friend in the lobby of the Warhol museum that Paris Hilton apparently appears in a new video for a remake of the Blondie song “Rapture.” The end times, they are definitely upon us.


  18. Posted October 10, 2004 at 11:26 am | Permalink

    Last year, I visited my great aunt in Grand Rapids and she explained all of this over lunch at Bill Knapps.

    When one of the countries using the Euro (probably Germany) goes back to their old currency, the Muslims will be left standing like stone on the battlefield with their swords and if the Muslims would just read their bibles, they would know all of this.

  19. Dave Morris
    Posted October 10, 2004 at 2:42 pm | Permalink

    I present to you.. the 3 days of darkness. Sleep well.


  20. Posted October 10, 2004 at 6:30 pm | Permalink

    But, Dave, where is the comic book version?

  21. Dave Morris
    Posted October 10, 2004 at 8:06 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for calling me out on to the floor on this, Kenner. After brushing off a little bit of the cob webs in the chamber of my brain reserved for “evangelical crap”, I forgot that there is a distinction between the rapture and the 3 days of darkness. The 3DoD is part of yet another abusrdity – the visions of the Virgin Mary and her messages to select people. It is a whole other ball of wax from the Evangelicals. It is some strange unsanctioned sub cult of Catholicism.

    I have no idea where the hell my mom gets her stuff from. I did a search for the mini comics I remember and found a site that has all of them. I am surprised now by how anti-Catholic they are. Seems very strange in hind sight.

    The one I that I confused with the 3DoD is probably “the Beast.”



    So, Mark. Has this thread spiraled out of control or are my ramblings still falling under “amusement”? If I crossed the line, let me know and I’ll just go back to sending my bs to unsuspecting friends.

  22. mark
    Posted October 10, 2004 at 8:27 pm | Permalink

    There are no lines, Dave. All that I ask is that you throw in the phrase “ball shaving” every few posts. As long as you do that, I’ll be fine… I’m going to print those comics out for Clementine now.

  23. virgin mary
    Posted October 11, 2004 at 4:43 am | Permalink

    I love your comments Dave. I;m telling my Son to save a place for you.

  24. stella
    Posted October 11, 2004 at 4:46 am | Permalink

    Ahh the Chick tracts!!!! Man I love em, I have one here with Kali on the cover called “The Traitor”. Its a great hysterical, read. According to Jack Chick, the pope, not Bush, is the antichrist.

  25. Ken
    Posted October 11, 2004 at 5:51 am | Permalink

    Shaving, Shaved Balls, Balls Shaved Clean…

    Now that I have that out of the way…

    I looked up the comic and I totally know those. I aways associate them with filthy diner restrooms since that is where I always see a pile of them sitting on the counter. Jack Chick sounds like an interesting character. I wanted to find a picture of him so I would have a face to go with the crime but the guy is rather reclusive. I did find this site that doesn’t have a photo but does have a drawing that a guy drew himself:


    The guy is this Catholic guy that met him at a convention. It is pretty interesting in that Jack Chick thinks all Catholics are doomed to hell. That is funny because my co-worker, the guy that hides jesus fish and crosses in his drawings, doesn’t take too kindly to Catholics either. In fact, he refuses to work on jobs that have to do with anything Catholic. He also refuses to work on jobs that have anything to do with gambling and Scientology. I am sure there is more but I haven’t heard about them yet.

    I think it is funny that Fundamentalist Christians think Catholics are so evil. It is the foundation that their own religion is built on. I would think that they would see that and question a religion belief that is based on one they believe to be evil, like building a house on a foundation of sand. But I am sure there is a loop hole that the lord almighty has provided to bridge that gap.

  26. Posted October 11, 2004 at 7:13 am | Permalink

    Yes, Ken, Born-Agains/Evangelicals definitely hate Catholics. I don’t get it either, but my brother became BA a few years back to make his wife happy and now he’s full-blown insane with it. It’s funny because he was Catholic, even went to Church on Sundays and never went through one of those “fucked up his life” periods that most BAs have. Never figured out why she married a Catholic when she hates us all so badly. It’s not like we throw it in her face or anything. Ah well, who understands the evangelical mind? Not me!

  27. stella
    Posted October 11, 2004 at 4:11 pm | Permalink

    Try asking a Lutheran who holds the power of the transubstantiation………. in my view that will get you an earful of the basic issues between Prots and Rcs

  28. Posted November 22, 2004 at 7:59 pm | Permalink

    The Onion reviews “The Rapture”…


  29. mark
    Posted November 23, 2004 at 4:59 am | Permalink

    How is it that I’ve never heard of this?

    Thanks, Kez.

  30. Ken
    Posted November 23, 2004 at 8:16 am | Permalink

    You didn’t hear about it because it is pretty dumb. I saw it when it was first released (in about 3 theaters) and I took pains to make sure that I forgot it.

  31. stella
    Posted November 23, 2004 at 8:17 am | Permalink

    Hmmm, thats intriguing enough to potentially get me out of my election induced, naught but cartoon watching, bed of depression, to go out and try to find.
    Yeah, thanks kez

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