remind me of this if i ever mention taking clementine to hollywood

As Carol Seaver, on the hillarious hit sitcom Growing Pains, she lost her fianc�in a drunk driving accident, but it apparently didnt make a lasting imression on actress Tracy Gold, who, a few days ago, decided to get behind the wheel of her SUV and drive under the influence, jeopardizing the lives not just of the other people on the highway, but of her husband and three children, who were in the vehicle with her. Fortunately, when she flipped the SUV on the interstate and rolled it down the embankment, aside from a few broken bones and bruises, no one was hurt.

What Im about to suggest may seem a bit drastic, but I think that perhaps we should start circulating a petition to keep children off of television. Havent we seen this scenario play out once too often? In one column we have Ron Howard, the sole success story, and in the other, we have everyone else, from the overdosing Dana Plato to Jay North, the star of Dennis the Menace who claims to be haunted by dark thoughts of killing people. Parents, usually failed actors and actresses themselves, who pimp out there kids to the entertainment industry should be pilloried.

As for how to wean ourselves off of kids in entertainment, I dont have an easy answer. I suppose we could either give them up cold turkey, or we could use a combination of puppets, marionettes and animation. Or, we could use small-featured, legless adults. Or, perhaps we could even use robots, like the one who played the lead on the show Small Wonder. Regardless of what it is, we have to do something. Were all complicit in this. I know you might think Im joking, or just trying to get all the other parents in the world to pull their kids out of show-business so that I can sneak mine in, but Im not. Child actors are a cancer eating away at the flabby flesh of American society.

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