OK, having mowed the yard, jogged, scrubbed the babys shit-saturated diapers, bathed the dog and cleaned the cat box, I decided to take it easy for a few hours and just catch up on the news. Here, my invisible friends, are the highlights that I took away from that exercise.
I found out that we just reached the milestone of 1,000 Americans dead in Iraq, and that Ashcroft is planning to open a chain of affordable internment camps here in America… No word as to whether the two things are connected.
I also learned that George Bush used to enjoy the occasional toke at Camp David when his dad was president. And, today he gave a speech on the frivolity of medical lawsuits, during which he uttered the phrase, “Too many OB-GYNs aren’t able to practice their love with women all across this country.”
And, in case you didnt get your fill at the Republican National Convention, there was some new fear-mongering today too when Cheney apparently implied that a vote for Kerry would mean another terrorist attack. (For those of you playing the Fear Mongering Drinking Game at home, that means five shots of Jagermeister in rapid succession, followed by a six hour hide in your crawlspace.)
Just one question If Cheney can foresee the future, why did we get attacked in 2,000? Can someone clear that up for me?
Speaking of Cheney, the folks at Rolling Stone say we shouldnt worry about him, since everything hes ever touched has turned to shit. (Their reasoning is that the Cheney curse will doom the Bush presidential bid. While Id like to take comfort in that happy thought, I think its probably just as easy to foresee an outcome where they win and, under their continued leadership, our entire country turns to shit.)
Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle, Michael Moore pulled Fahrenheit 911 out of the running for a Best Documentary Oscar, in hopes that he might somehow be able to get it aired on television before the upcoming election.
There was also lots of stuff about Bill Clintons response to the Republican Nation Convention (quadruple bypass surgery), but I figured that you probably already heard about that.
So, what did I miss?
