There is no baby yet Actually, to be more correct, I dont think that theres a baby yet. I havent seen Linette in about an hour, but I think I probably would have heard something from her if shed delivered When I last saw her, she was with her friend Dawn and they were headed off into the darkness, toward Elvisfest.

I dont know if Ive ever mentioned it here before, but Linette has a little bit of a crush on one particular Elvis impersonator. He comes though town once a year and she and all her female and gay friends go sprinting across town like theres an Orgasmatron filled with free cake. The guys name is Leo Days. Im not really that jealous of him, but I do take some consolation in the fact that with each passing year he looks a bit less like the hot, young Army-era Elvis and a bit more like the pill-popping karate-chopping lard-ass that I came to know as a kid in the 70s. (Linette almost fainted last year when he kneeled down to hand her one of the twenty sweat-soaked scarves that he keeps around his neck.)

Anyway, Linettes down there now, five days past her due-date, swooning over a sweaty man with sideburns and a polyester jumpsuit, complete with rhinestones and panty-lines.

The thought does depress me a bit the idea that Linette, at this very moment, could be delivering my child at the feet of a small-time Midwestern Elvis impersonator… How could I, as a parent, undo something like that? The kid would be ruined, wouldn’t he?

OK, Im going to get back to cleaning house now.

Oh, and if you think that Im acting like the woman in our relationship, at home cleaning while my spouse is out running wild on the eve of our first childs birth, youre not the only one I just received a note from Linettes brother Neal. He wanted to point me toward an article on men that essentially become women when their wives give birth. My guess is that hes building up to something I bet you anything, he sends me a male breastfeeding link by the end of the weekend.

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