I dont have much to say this weekend. Linette and I have company again, for the second weekend in a row, and my panic attacks are, like the contractions of birth, coming closer together and growing more intense. I dont think it has much to do with having company though. I think its got a lot more to do with the change in seasons. For some reason, I always find spring difficult. I find that odd, because I look forward to spring all winter long. Somehow though, once it gets here, everything starts to come unhinged.
I read a book one time about Charles Lindberg. In the book or, actually, now that I think about it, it was in a movie starring Jimmy Stewart as Lindberg. I believe the film was called The Spirit of Saint Louis Anyway, in the film, as Lindberg was flying across the country at one point I believe he was delivering mail his plane started to shake apart. I might not remember this correctly, but I seem to recall that the wings were coming loose. He held them together with his arms and he kept on flying. As more things broke, he kept compensating with his body. By the time he got to his destination, he was working knobs with his knees and gripping cords with his toes. He was using everything he had, every exposed body part was being pushed to the limit just to hold everything together Well, thats how I feel right now Only its all taking place inside.
Maybe its the stress of having the baby on the way. Maybe its the fact that I havent been going to the gym lately, which usually helps lessen my anxiety. Maybe its that Ive been sleeping less. Maybe its that Ive been drinking more coffee. Maybe its that weve been too busy these past few months, visiting friends and family, scheduling baby showers, arranging to go further in to dept to have the lead windows in this old house replaced. Im sure its a combination off all of these things. Im not really a person who does well with change and theres quite a bit of it right now in my life.
And all the shit going on in Iraq doesnt help much either, especially when it seems that every day another one of my readers writes in with a story about a relative or loved one whos over there in some capacity, scared of what might happen. (Most recently, a reader in New York named Chris wrote in to tell me abut her father, a man in his 60s whos assisting with the electrical infrastructure The reason she wrote was to let me know that his name is Ebenezer, a name that Id mentioned as a possibility for this as yet born baby of ours.)
And it also doesnt help that Linettes sitting in the other room listening to Elliot Smith, a guy whose music was depressing enough before he decided to end his life by plunging a knife through his heart.
Actually, things arent all that bad right now. (Mentioning Elliot Smith reminds me just how much worse things really could be) Actually, if not for the anxiety and the depression, Id say that things are pretty good right now. These past few weekends with Dan and Jen and their daughter, Leah, have been great. Having Leah here, I think, has made both Linette and me a lot more excited about the birth of our own child (now about ten weeks away). Its so cool to spend time with a 15-month old, watching her learn stuff. It seems like her vocabulary grows by the day. Its amazing.
Anyway, its like Im really happy on one hand, really looking forward to spring and all of these changes, but, on the other hand, Im finding it difficult because even good change is still change.
So, thats where Ill leave things for right now.
And thanks to all of you who left nice comments at Blogarama. Its nice to know that these hours spent clicking away on the keyboard are appreciated.
