reflecting on the weekend

My favorite quote from last week came from an article in the Detroit News about a professor at a small college in Texas who publicly commented on the stupidity of not only his students, but the townspeople in general. According to this professor, his fellow residents are, appallingly ignorant, irrational, anti-intellectual, and, well … just plain stupid. That wasnt my favorite quote though. My favorite quote was this one, taken from a townsperson defending the graduates of Sul Ross State University.

Ive got friends who are graduates of this institution and are very successful, said Garcia, a high school teacher. I have a friend who graduated from here and developed the ham they use in the breakfast sandwiches at Burger King.

Unfortunately, not all the news last week was of such a humorous sort. The most upsetting story that I read had to do with the singer Seal. Apparently, his deeply pockmarked head was found in someones luggage at Bostons Logan International Airport. The fellow nabbed with it claims to have found it while vacationing, but theres a rumor that he also had in his possession a map to James Edward Olmoss home.

Its not clear whether or not his research into tasty breakfast meat was a motivation.

Actually, I made all of that up… Im tired Celebrities with bad skin have no cause to worry. They are, as far as I know, safe. The head that was found was that of a seal, and not of Seal. And Im sure that it had nothing to do with Burger Kings quest for the next generation of pork-based breakfast meat.

Now, on to the local news.

Linette and I worked all weekend. We scrubbed toilets, repotted plants (not in the toilets), studied the guidelines of the Ypsilanti Historic District Commission for replacing windows, raked the yard, picked up the 15+ pounds of dog shit that had been hiding under the cover of snow, and paid our bills… It wasnt a restful weekend.

Linette and I also finally gave in this weekend and registered for baby stuff at a few stores. (My relatives in Kentucky were becoming annoyed at us for not having done so.) We also took the very sad and desperate step of buying a book of baby names. As we consider ourselves to be pretty creative, this embarrassed us immensely. We scurried to the counter with it hidden under another book, like it was a special double-issue of Black Inches magazine.

I like the baby name book if only because it legitimized a few of my earlier suggestions. While Columbo wasnt on the list, I did find Ebenezer, Ichabod and Barnaby. That made me happy.

While at the bookstore, I almost stepped right into a squishy newborn infant. I was turning a corner, when, for some reason, I decided to glance down. It was a good thing I did. There, right beneath my enormous steel-toed boot, was a baby that couldnt have been more than three weeks old. It was strapped into a little plastic carrying case.

I looked around quickly, expecting to see an angry mother lunging at me, but there wasnt anyone there. The closest person was about ten feet away and no one seemed to be paying any attention. I was standing there, straddling the thing, looking down into the babys eyes, and no one seemed to care… I went and got Linette.

I guess we didnt need to go to the all the trouble of having one of our own. We could have just taken this one.

I pointed the baby out to her… No one had come forward to claim it yet.

Linette said something to the effect of, I dont know of a woman who would lay her purse down and walk away from it like this.

The only explanation I could come up with was that it must have been a new parent, not used to toting around a little one. He or she probably came in to grab a book, set the kid down, got distracted, and that was that. As we were standing there looking at the baby, the mother was probably pulling into her driveway, slowly realizing what had happened, afraid to look back into the backseat to verify that the baby wasnt there.

So, we stood there for a while, a few feet away from the baby, watching to see what would happen. Finally, after a few minutes, another man noticed it and pointed it out to the woman that he was shopping with. They scanned the room, and, not finding anyone that seemed even remotely concerned, called over an employee. At that point we left. So, we didnt get to see what happened.

It could have been a huge sting operation. They might have just been waiting for someone to try to snatch the cute, little baby Or, maybe someone left it there, hoping that it would find a good home I should read the paper. Maybe theres something about it.

Speaking of local stuff in the news, the other day I was staring out my window at work and I noticed a satellite newsgathering truck parked behind the gas station across the street. The crew was shooting footage of one of the pumps, and I became curious. I waited until the truck had pulled out and I called the gas station. The woman I spoke with told me that one of their attendants had looked into someones backseat as they were pumping gas the day before and saw what appeared to be a teenaged girl, bound and gagged. (The car, a four-door, red Saturn, pulled out before the license number could be jotted down.)

It creeps me out that something terrible might have been happening so close to me. My hope is that the person didnt really see it, or that, if he did, that it was somehow consensual

The worlds a fucking sick place.

If you dont believe me, heres a site where you can read a guys review of his wifes breast milk with chocolate syrup.

I hate to stop there, but I still need to work on my comic for the Ann Arbor Paper. I promise, Ill have something uplifting and intellectually stimulating tomorrow. No more severed heads, abducted teens, abandoned babies or human secretions, chocolaty or otherwise.

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i break for blogging

Linette and I have been knee-deep in nesting since around 7:00 AM this morning, but we took a break to watch Richard Clarke on Meet the Press. If you missed it, they’ve already posted a transcript at MSNBC… I need to get back to work, but I wanted to let you know that. It was a great interview and I think that Clarke handled himself admirably…. Now I need to clean the toilets. (Actually, this cleaning spree is only probably about 50% baby related. The other 50% has to do with the fact that we’ll have a house full of guests on Wednesday. More on that later.)

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skinner sighting

Ive just been informed that our very own Doug Skinner will be presenting this weekend at the International Fortean Organizations (INFO’s) annual Fortnite celebration. So, if youre in the Baltimore area, stick your head in and yell, Oh my God, a Skunk Ape!, or something else that would be appropriate to the occasion.

Also, while were on the subject of Doug, Linette and I are now in the process of collecting questions for the next installment of Crimewaves much loved Lets Ask Skinner column. So, if you have a perplexing question that you would like to have answered, just send it in and Ill pass it along to the mysterious Mr. Skinner.

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falling off the turnip truck and floating up to heaven

I still think that Chuck and his friends did the right thing in leaving Michigan and heading out to LA to pursue careers in the film industry, but pictures like this one that they just posted to their group blog make me wonder if perhaps they might be a bit too wide-eyed and innocent to make it in the big city.

I look at this photo and cant help but think, Ive never seen such a midwestern bunch of kids in my life. Theyre so happy, so white. They look like the cast of Up with People Im not a violent man by any stretch of the imagination, but when I look at this photo I feel like robbing them or at least trying to sell them a handful of magic beans.

Speaking of leaving Michigan for greener pastures, I just read an article from a Florida newspaper on former Michigander and owner of Dominos Pizza, Tom Monaghan. Apparently, when folks in these parts didnt roll over and let him build his unaccredited, fringe Catholic university the way he wanted, he packed up shop and headed down to Florida, where he bought an enormous tract of land in a relatively uninhabited, economically depressed area. Now, theyre getting ready to build the university and the enormous crucifix that will tower over it. Heres a clip from the article on the new Ave Maria College:

On rural land now populated by snakes and raccoons will rise the nation’s largest crucifix, God and Collier County officials willing.

The 60-foot, red-tinted glass cross with a 40-foot figure of Christ will be affixed near the entrance to a 150-foot-tall Catholic church that will seat 3,300 souls — more than any other Catholic church in the United States.

(I’m sure that’s how Jesus would want to be remembered, as a giant, horrifying roadside attraction rising out of the Florida swamps, dripping blood and frightening children.)

Let me just say, while were on the subject, that I dont have anything against Christianity. I actually think that Jesus sounds like one hell of a guy. My problem is with intolerance and the forms of Christianity that are practiced by people like Pat Robertson, Tom Monaghan and others.

And, while were on the subject of so-called Christians that I dont like, heres a link to Terry Gross interview with Tim LaHaye, cofounder of the Moral Majority and coauthor of the wildly popular Left Behind book series. According to LaHaye’s understanding of the Bible, only Christians of the born again variety will be allowed to float up to heaven when the judgment day comes. The rest of us, no matter how good we might be, will be left here in hell to suffer the wrath of God. Its a great interview. Hes very matter-of-fact about the whole thing. Its like hes reading from a history book about something thats already happened.

At one point in the conversation LaHaye makes reference to the fact that Satan, according to prophecy, will ride in on a horse and offer world peace. (I guess Satan couldnt find a car.) It just boggles the mind that there are people that would read these texts so literally as to believe that an evil man on horseback will bring the apocalypse… It’s like believing that an evil witch with the butter churn will change the course of history. It’s an anachronism… “Yes, an alchemist in a Model-T will make a proclamation and then….”

LaHaye says that he and his wife hope that the rapture will come soon, before they pass away from illness or old age. They want it to happen soon so that they can float up to heaven together as those of us who are left behind burn in lakes of fire. Its really quite a romantic notion You know, I sure wish that the end of the earth comes soon, so that Linette and I can smugly drift up to heaven as the tormented souls of Jews, Muslims, Catholics, and all of the other non Born Again faiths writhe in pain beneath us. That thought really brings a smile to my face.

And this is a man who has the ear of the President.

Heres something that Collin just sent in. Its a synopsis of LaHayes first Left Behind book for children. (Yes, there is apparently such a thing.)

“Someday, Jesus will return to take his followers to heaven…. We will disappear right in front of disbelieving people. Won’t that be a great day for us and a horrifying one for them?” That was old Pastor Billings droning on again about the Rapture, and Judd was bored out of his skull. A sarcastic 16-year-old, way too cool for all this Jesus stuff, Judd had even lied about receiving Christ as his Lord and personal Savior. But poor hotheaded Judd is about to be very, very sorry.

The first book in the children’s version of Jerry B. Jenkins and Tim LaHaye’s sleeper-hit Left Behind, The Vanishings introduces us to Judd (“The Runaway”) and his three imperfect companions: Vicki (“The Rebel”), Lionel (“The Liar”), and Ryan (“The Skeptic”). These four teens, for one reason or another, all failed to submit to the power of the living Lord, despite their friends’ and parents’ best efforts. And when Pastor Billings’s Rapture actually happens–sending Christian-piloted trains, planes, and automobiles crashing as millions of true believers literally vanish in the blink of an eye, leaving behind nothing but their skivvies and their W.W.J.D. necklaces–the four wayward teenagers get religion and fast. The saga continues when they receive a second chance in book two. (Ages 9 to 12)

What a great story for a nine year old. I think its really important to learn at an early age that youre superior to others and that God loves you more.

I’m going to try not to write about this any more… it kind of freaks me out. Part of me, like a very little part back at the back of my mind worries, “What if they’re right? What if God is a terribly vengeful fucker that wouldnt hesitate to torture a newborn child for an eternity for not accepting him as their Lord? And, worse yet, what if he reads blogs?

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hot tips for zombie lovers

You can download George Romeros classic horror film Night of the Living Dead for FREE! Its apparently in the public domain now.

And, even better, you can now find Christian singles in your area thanks to Big Church, a new on-line Christian dating community!

Dont be left behind fill out a profile today.

Actually, perhaps we could all work on a profile together Heres a start:

Scruffy but clean Christian rocker looking for a girl (18 to 20) who, while shes definitely hot enough to be in a Girls Gone Wild video, would never even consider such a thing.

I need to go to work now.

Oh, before I go, heres a link to the Eschaton site, where youll find information on Richard Clarkes testimony yesterday and quotes, like this one, from Tom Daschle:

During the nearly nine months it took the Administration to develop and sign off on its terrorism strategy, it does not appear the Bush Administration took any decisive or effective action to cripple Al Qaeda. Perhaps the most potentially significant action the Administration took prior to September 11 was in May 2001. At that time, reportedly in response to an increase in “chatter” about a potential Al Qaeda attack, President Bush appointed Vice President Cheney to head a task force “to combat terrorist attacks on the United States.” But, according to The Washington Post and Newsweek, the Cheney Terrorism Task Force never met. The American people need to know whether this is true.

Assuming you want more information on Clarke, I found this article on Slate.com to be very informative. Its written by a person who has known Clarke quite well for decades, since they were students together. The impression of Clarke given in the article, while not altogether flattering, isn’t one of a person that would fabricate stories like those Clarke has been sharing with the press.

Theres also a short interview with Clarke on Slate.com. Here are a few quotes from that interview:

It’s possible that the vice president has spent so little time studying the terrorist phenomenon that he doesn’t know about the successes in the 1990s. There were many. The Clinton administration stopped Iraqi terrorism against the United States, through military intervention. It stopped Iranian terrorism against the United States, through covert action. It stopped the al-Qaida attempt to have a dominant influence in Bosnia. It stopped the terrorist attacks at the millennium. It stopped many other terrorist attacks, including on the U.S. embassy in Albania. And it began a lethal covert action program against al-Qaida; it also launched military strikes against al-Qaida. Maybe the vice president was so busy running Halliburton at the time that he didn’t notice

They had a preconceived set of national security priorities: Star Wars, Iraq, Russia. And they were not going to change those preconceived notions based on people from the Clinton administration telling them that was the wrong set of priorities. They also looked at the statistics and saw that during eight years of the Clinton administration, al-Qaida killed fewer than 50 Americans. And that’s relatively few, compared to the 300 dead during the Reagan administration at the hands of terrorists in Beirut — and by the way, there was no military retaliation for that from Reagan. It was relatively few compared to the 259 dead on Pan Am 103 in the first Bush administration, and there was no military retaliation for that. So looking at the low number of American fatalities at the hands of al-Qaida, they might have thought that it wasn’t a big threat.

OK, now I really need to get going. Bye.

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