putting world events aside to deal with my fat ass

Ive never been terribly in touch with my body. Ive never really had a good sense of it. Today I think I turned an exciting corner though. I was actually sitting there at my desk when I began to feel my ass growing beneath me. I could actually feel each individual little cell swelling up with fat. It was kind of beautiful.

Any day now, Linettes probably going to feel our baby swishing around inside her. Ill have my ass though, and the beautiful life flourishing inside of it.

I just got home from the gym. (The burgeoning new life in my ass made me go.) While I was there, limping from machine to machine, I decided to pull myself up onto a scale And there was my confirmation. In the last five months, I have gained more weight than my pregnant wife.

The good news is that I had what I think is a pretty good business idea while at the gym. Hows this for an idea? A website that helps people to make the transition from the Dean campaign back to this world that the rest of us live in.

On the most basic level, there could be a directory of facilities where one could have a Dean tattoo removed. There could also be advice on how to remove Howard Dean bumper stickers without leaving a trace. Im thinking that the site could be called EraseDean.com, or something like that. Essentially, youd find all the tools there that you would need to erase all vestiges of Howard Dean from your life.

And, if you wanted to spend the money, wed also have trained counselors standing by that could help you to disengage from social networks, take down blogs, etc.

Oh, on a completely different subject, I had lunch today with a fellow who conducts paternity tests for a living. He analyzes tissue from the insides of peoples mouths and tells them whether or not theyre related. Its fascinating stuff and scary. For instance, did you know that a woman just has to claim that you could possibly be the father of her child, and the government can order that you show up at a facility to have a sample of your DNA extracted?

Lots of men are apparently raising kids that arent their own. He says he sees it every day.

And this gave me another business idea. What if we set up a company that sold paternity test coupons, coupons that could be given to fathers-to-be at baby showers and such? I think it could be a huge market. I can see how some folks might be offended at the suggestion that their wife might be carrying another mans child, but Im sure that would pass in time.

So, my lunch was filled with talk of semen. Before this fellow told me that DNA samples were taken from cheek scrapings, I just assumed that he was elbow-deep in semen all day, just swimming around in the stuff. I had this scenario in my head where suspicious fathers might just mail this friend of mine an ziplock bag full of semen and perhaps a babys finger, with a note asking whether or not theyre related. Apparently its a little less invasive than that. In fact, he was telling me that lots of fathers will say theyre taking the kid to the park or something and, on the way, theyll stop at a lab to have their mouths swabbed.

Sure, were going to the park, Junior. We just need to stop in here for a minute to find out whether or not Id be justified in abandoning you and your mom.

Oh, and look what I just decided to steal from Katies site:

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