big bottom blog

Someone wrote in the other day and asked if I could better describe the sensation of feeling my ass grow beneath me. Well, Ive spent the last twenty-four hours trying to think of a suitable metaphor and I think Ive finally got one Its like sitting on an un-inflated air mattress and having someone slowly force air into it with a foot pump.

Partially because of that, and partially because it helps my anxiety, I went to the gym tonight after work.

When I got into the locker room, I did my little, Whos least likely to either get excited by, or snap a photo of, me getting naked? calculation, and then settled in next to this fellow who appeared to be pretty normal. I thought Id made a pretty good choice until, about 30 seconds into my neurotic striptease, I hear a knocking coming from inside the locker behind this guy. At this point, he turns around and says something into the little ventilation holes at the top of the locker, chuckles, and then goes about trading his pants for a pair of swimming trunks.

Then, as Im standing there, contorted into my penis-hiding pose, and trying to wiggle into my too-tight gym shorts, the guy opens up the locker and removes a little blond girl who starts giggling her ass off!

I want to ask, but its all too weird. I just hurry the hell up and get out before he either pulls anything else from the locker or stuffs her back in.

Speaking of little kids, it looks like South Korean scientists just cloned the first human embryos the future classmates of the baby Linette and I will be bringing into the world. (I say “calssmates” because I’m trying to stay positive. I’m not stupid though. I realize that it’s much more likely that these mutant clone creatures will meet my child on the battlefield than in any classroom.)

Speaking of the as yet unnamed Lao Maynard child, weve been getting lots of unsolicited ideas for names. My favorite this week was Shoebox.

Shoebox Lao Maynard

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