the stuff nightmares are made of

I woke up screaming last night. According to Linette, it sounded like I was yelling for her and the animals to save themselves while I fought something off. I cant remember what it was that I found so terrifying, but it must have been pretty bad. Ive now been out of bed for fifteen hours and I just went up and felt the sheets – theyre still damp with my sweat. Whatever it was that was after me, Im kind of hoping that if it comes back again tonight Linette gets to fight it. Id be happy to wait outside with the Freeda and the cats.

…Linettes parents just got back from a long cruise around Australia, New Zealand, and the South Pacific. Her mom told us that on some island the people told her that, yes, they were descended from cannibals, but that they were the good cannibals. Im not sure what would make one cannibal more good than another one. Im guessing that maybe they just ate a few fingers from each of their victims, or maybe just their hair and nail clippings. Or, perhaps they did consume entire people, but they were just more polite about it, like that fellow who was just arrested for murder and cannibalism in Germany. Before he killed his (willing) victim, they sat down for a meal of the mans fried penis and a glass of wine.

…Last night, I drove out to the airport to pick up Linettes parents. I found her mom outside the baggage claim. She put her bags in my backseat and then went inside to get Linettes dad. At that point, a cop came over and told me to move the car. I pointed to the bags and told him that they were right inside. He didnt care. In a last ditch effort to keep from having to circle the airport again, I said, Well, theyre elderly and Chinese. If you see them, please explain to them that I havent left without them and that they dont need to stay here tonight. (It didnt work. He still made me move.) I told Linette that this morning and she said that I played the race card. I guess I did. I thought that the guy would rather let me stay than deal with a confused Chinese couple. The truth is, Linettes folks are neither elderly, nor easily confused. Plus, theyve lived in the US since they were young. I knew damned well that when they came out and found me gone that theyd just figure that Id fucked up somehow.

…Linettes mom, one night on their cruise, fell asleep on the chocolate that their cabin boy had left on her pillow. She woke up and discovered the melted chocolate the next morning, and then went out and found the cabin boy to tell him that it wasnt poop all over her sheets. (Linettes parents are great, by the way. I am extremely lucky to have them for in-laws. Theyre funny, kind and smart people. They also do not sleep in feces, regardless of what the cabin boy may have told you.)

…Earlier in the day, when Linette and I were in the grocery store, we saw a young boy repeatedly punch the ass of a giant animatronic Santa. The Santa would say Ho, Ho, Ho and his arms would wave and his hips would wiggle. The kid kept punching the jolly robot in the butt until it took a header into the aisle. When it hit the ground, Santas head popped off and slid about three feet from the body, which kept writhing around on the floor for a good minute after the crash. It was one of the most surreal things I have ever seen. Santas head was laying at my feet, looking up at me with its cold, dead eyes, while the rest of the torso, inside the big red suit, convulsed among the candy apples

On second thought, maybe I do know what caused my nightmare last night. I was, after all, questioned by cops, told numerous stories of missionary-eating cannibals, and made to watch to the beheading of Santa Claus. The human mind can only take so much.

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