Thankfully, it looks as though our Presidents crushing workload might be abating a bit. As we all know, over the course of the past year hes been so busy that he hasnt even been able to attend one of the funerals for the American men and women who have died in Iraq. Well, I noticed today that he had the time to “pardon” a White House turkey. I’m not a professional political analyst by any means, but I think this probably means that things are letting up a bit. Hopefully, hell now have a chance to comfort some of the families of the soldiers who died while serving their country in Iraq.

On the subject of turkeys, the New York Times ran a fucking depressing op-ed piece today on what takes place on a state-of-the-art turkey farm. Its not pretty.

There’s probably a comparrison that could be drawn between factory farmed turkeys and the young men and women who are fighting on our behalf right now in Iraq, but I’m too tired to search around for it.

Let’s focus on happier things…

tis better to give than receive
As several of you have written in and asked what I would like for Christmas, heres a short list.

A small bowl of genetically engineered fish
An Osama bin Laden action figure
A bushel of tomaccos
A tube of injectable wrinkle-filling putty

The official list is actually quite a bit longer, but those are all the things I’ve added today.

small town church extortion
I just read the following on my friend Jeffs site and I need for someone to either confirm or deny it. I dont see how it could possibly be true, but something tells me that it is Heres what Jeff had to say:

Yesterday Toney and I drove past a house with a pile of pink flamingos stacked up in the front yard. I wondered aloud what it was all about, and Toney said, “Oh, they must have not paid their flamingo insurance…” What in the honey-roasted hell? Flamingo insurance?? I was completely lost. But, according to my wife, some of the churches around here extort money from their members by threatening to fill their yards with pink flamingos in the dead of night. It’s apparently a whimsical form of public humiliation, and the only way around it is to pay “flamingo insurance.” Can this possibly be true? It seems like the fund-raising techniques of Tony Soprano and Big Pussy Bompensiero. It feels a tad mean-spirited to me. Hey everybody, either these people aren’t Good Enough Christians or they’re having money problems. In any case, please laugh at them and point an accusing finger.

Jeff even took a picture of the pile of flamingos It looks like a scene from a flamingo Jonestown. All thats missing is the flamingo in the white suit slumped over on a throne next to a pot full of Kool-Aid.

Jeff and his readers have been doing one hell of a job of breaking big news stories lately. Not only did Jeff shine a light on this form of Christian shakedown today, but someone in his discussion area alerted us all to a terrifying Mexican bologna-smuggling operation. Heres a quote from the story that was linked to:

Border agents last week landed a meaty bust, seizing 756 pounds of bologna arranged into the shape of a car seat and covered with blankets in a man’s pickup.

If this is true, if theres a clear and present danger of spoiled seat meats making their way into the US from Mexico… I think we’d all agree that our only option would be to declare war on Canada, right? I don’t see as how we’re left with any other alternatives.

The story about this bologna seat goes on to say that there was a small Mexican boy sitting on the blanket-covered seat of meat. (My guess is that he was strapped into a car seat fashioned out of headcheese.)

Im thinking I might lobby the rest of the band to name the next MPT record, Mexican Bologna Seat. It sounds so damned dirty.

paranoia corner
Kez wrote in to warn us all to be careful as where we spit, lick and dribble. It looks as though the FBI can now pretty effectively collect our DNA from envelopes and other licked or sneezed-on items.

While were on the subject, you might also be surprised to learn that the FBI has been known to use new in-dash communications systems, like On Star, to listen in on peoples in-car conversations. Apparently, all you need to do is throw a switch and your car becomes a giant, rolling recording studio Thats something to keep in mind the next time you feel like discussing the potted meat products which youre sitting on.

OK, Im going to go upstairs now If you dont have a chance to check in again between now and Thanksgiving, I hope you and your families have a happy and relatively terror-free holiday.

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