tired man blogs

David “please don’t hurl feces at me” Blaine, who is not a magician so much as a dim-witted douche bag, is still suspended over London, supposedly depriving himself of food.

And here I am in Ypsilanti. Contained on my couch, eating myself to death.

Its not fair that he gets all the press.

I just watched the 90-minute debut episode of Survivor. I liked it. I always like it. Their editing is great. Youve got to hand it to them. They take 20 or so idiots, make em hungry, deprive them of sleep, and turn the results into compelling television. Its brilliant stuff.

The father of my step-grandfather, a Kentuckian by the name of Dink Phillips, was a dentist by trade. He used to, from what Im told, amuse himself by having sleeping contests in the small town of Liberty. Hed offer some small amount of money to the town derelict who could lay in the street, in the hot sun, and sleep the longest. From what Ive been told, people would lay there for hours, baking in the sun, until they blistered up. This was before television, mind you. From what Im told, it was a riot. Anyway, I thought of him tonight as I was watching Survivor. I think he would have liked it. Fuck, I think he might have invented it.

There are quite a few stories about Dink. One day Ill pass them on to you.

In the meantime, heres the news.

Various news outlets are starting to dissect all the garbage that Cheney was spouting on Meet the Press. Heres one of the articles pointing out the blatant falsehoods that were dropping like cold turds out of his mouth. (I wasnt going to admit it, but Linette and I were celebrating the end of gin and tonic season tonight while watching Survivor. Hence the stupid analogy.) Cheneys performance was so bad that Bush had to come out today and correct him, saying that there was, in fact, no link between Saddam and the 9/11 attacks. (Cheney had continued the old administration line by implying that there may have been.)

Speaking of Cheney, hes still trying to keep under wraps what happened behind closed doors in that infamous energy task force meeting, the one that preceded 9/11 and contained maps of Iraqs oil fields.

For the record (I feel like I have to mention this once every few months), I think the war on Iraq was probably a good idea. I just think that the jackasses in the administration handled it poorly by not working hard enough to coalesce international support, plan for the post-war Iraq, and eliminate the appearance that American corporations were making out like bandits. Theres other stuff too, but those are the three points that shown through the haze of gin and tonics.

Also, for the record, Bobmay Saphire gin is my favorite alcohol. Remember that. It might come in useful.

Today, while I was lumbering through the woods in what I like to think of as a jog, I started, for the first time, to think of how a President Gore might have handled this situation differently. Im not the hugest of Gore fans, but it did occur to me that had this happened under his watch, wed be in a much different place right now with regard to alternative energy. In the same way that the Bush gang took advantage of current events to slash taxes, cut government programs and take over Iraq, Gore, I’m certain, would have raised fuel efficiency standards and poured money into alternative, sustainable energy research. Wed be in a much different place right now if that were the case. Somehow, it hadnt occurred to me until this afternoon, that someone could have used these events to set my agendas forward 20 years instead of back 50. That realization pissed me off.

And, on a different subject, Wesley Clark, now in the race for President, has a 100 year vision. Ill admit that I havent read it that carefully yet, but I think its nice that someone is projecting their vision that far into the future. If Im not mistaken, this is the first time that anyone in the race has done so. I think its comforting. I like to imagine, even if its shear fantasy, that there will be a planet Earth, let alone a United States of America, in 100 years. I may support Clark just for that alone.

Oh, and as if things werent fucked up enough already, the Saudis say theyre considering the acquisition of nuclear weapons.

Its like hot-gluing a great white shark onto the back of a lion.

OK, I wanted to have a better analogy than that, but I didnt have the time to keep thinking. Essentially, I was trying to say that this would take something very bad and very scary and make it much worse. Hmmmm I still cant think of a good one. Let me get back to you tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, I will let you know the results of our What would George Bush be right now if he were not born a Bush contest. Right now, theres a pretty strong front-runner, but Im confident that someone else could still surge into the lead. If you havent sent me your guess yet, please do. Im serious too. Im not treating this like a joke. I really want for you to give it some thought. Knowing what you know about this guy, where do you think that hed be right now if he werent born into the family of a CIA Director and President? I will post the top three responses over the weekend.

OK, I need to spend quality time with the dog now.

Goodnight my invisible friends from the internet.

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