the bush baby winner is

Before I announce the winner, let me first thank all those men and women from around the planet Earth who submitted their responses to my query, If President Bush was not Born a Bush, Where Would He be Right Now? From the young man in Tokyo who wrote in to say, sewer monster to the academic in France who suggested that he might be a low-level bureaucrat, like a crooked health inspector, we received many thoughtful contributions. The most thoughtful response, however, came from an American by the name of Stacy Smithson. Heres her response:

The Many Alternate Lives of George Walker Bush
OR
My Misspent Morning

Born into poverty, George Bush, junior climbs to the bottom.

Teachers told Bobbie Jean Bush her son could never lead a productive life outside an institution. Were they right?

Other children made fun of George Junior’s difficulty with language, geography and numbers. In the evenings, over cold turnips and jug wine, the boy would confide in his father, a country preacher: “I can’t understand math, Daddy. It’s all . . . fuzzy.” But his boyish smile won over many classmates — who, in a mock election, named “Junior” class president. The simple boy ran the two miles home, grinning, and spinning around till he felt dizzy and fell down. From there:

1) Young George’s academic troubles forced him to leave school at age 14. After failing his admission exam to Pine Hill Barber College, he took to drink. Before long, he was arrested and jailed for drunk driving. Incarcerated far from his family (which now included younger brother Jeb, who, like his father, showed promise as a sermonizer), George fell in with criminals and hoodlums. Constant mischief making kept him in and out of prison. (Mostly in: dim-wittedness made him easy to catch). In the fall of 2000, George Walker Bush, junior was killed by his cellmate at the Maryland House of Corrections.

OR maybe he became:

2) An entertainer at children’s parties. Clowns and gorillas a specialty.

3) Shoeshine man, Grand Central Station, New York City.

4) G.E.D. hopeful

5) Soda jerk, Friendly’s Ice Cream, Jupiter, Florida. Almost promoted to assistant manager but for failure to pronounce flavor of the month “vanilla carmello pistachi-ello.”

6) An extra on a Wild West movie set.

7) Chief Fish feeder at Bob’s Exotic Pets and Stereo Equipment, St. Paul, MN.

8) Errand boy, Harlem, NY.

9) Model for unnamed character in “Where’s Waldo” book number 25.

10) Congressional page, pending background check and basic literacy exam.

11) The next host of Comedy Central’s “Insomniac.”

12) Revival preacher

13) Chicken plucker

14) Men’s room attendant and hatcheck boy, Roseland ballroom, New York City.

15) Exotic dancer and singing telegram messenger, Eastern Onion Co., New York, NY. Fired for lack of coordination and inability to find his way to job sites.

16) Sideshow geek, Capitol Traveling Carnival. Billed as Georgie, the half-witted parrot-faced boy. Number one crowd pleaser: biting heads off chickens.

17) Longing to travel, he applies for a busboy position at Lindy’s — but eventually realizes “bus” doesn’t mean what he thought.

18) Unsuccessful yegg “Georgie the Dolt.” Drummed out of organized crime for annoying the other thugs.

19) Cough drop tester

20) Replacement for the late Mr. Rogers. The program is retitled “Play Along with George” and features such lovable characters as Oily the Worm and affable anti-environmentalist Chainsaw Cheney.

21) No-insurance salesman. All the people in our country with no insurance? Who do you think sold it to ’em?

22) Bratwurst vendor, Fenway Park, Boston.

23) Arts & Entertainment editor, Salon.com

24) Pool boy and stable hand, West Winds Country Club, Westport, CT.

25) Driver, Old Money Tours; ferries senior citizens to Atlantic City for day trips — until a background check reveals a drunk driving arrest and he’s forced to return to work as a Wal-Mart greeter.

I think that pretty much covers all the bases.

As for my own answer to the question, What would George Bush be doing right now if he werent born a Bush? Im not sure. I am almost certain that he would not be President. I dont think thats necessarily an insult. There are a lot of us that wont be President. I just doubt that he has the same drive as someone like Clinton who pushed himself all the way through the process, starting from somewhat ignoble beginnings. As for where George might be right now, Im thinking that, if he were born in Texas, and if he were still a white male, that hed probably be involved in ranching. I think hed probably be a happier man. I got the sense from both he and Al Gore that neither one of them really wanted to be President, that circumstances and the expectations of family and family friends pushed them in that direction. At any rate, I think that hed probably be a fairly amiable ranch hand. Im picturing the characters of Hickory, Zeke and Huck in the Wizard of Oz, the farmhands who pick young Dorothy Gale out of the pig pen and later accompany her to oz at the Lion, the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodsman.

Thank you to everyone who sent something in. It was cool to get so much email As this seems to have been pretty successful, lets do it again sometime soon.

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