selling ads sucks

So, I was sitting here tonight sending out notes to advertisers, asking whether or not they might be interested in placing an ad in the new issue of Crimewave. Not surprisingly, Im getting a few, ‘Sorry man, I cant right now’s back from people. Its understandable, given the economy… I imagine that the zine advertising budget is probably somewhere between free soda and two-ply toilet paper on the list of things that a struggling company can cut.

As much as Id like their money, it would be hard for me to learn that people had been laid off at the companies that chose to advertise with us. Even though our ads are only one hundred dollars or so, I dont like the idea, regardless of how na�e or misinformed it is, that advertising in Crimewave would be less expendable than Carl that sad, little file clerk whos been with the company for almost 20 years.

Sorry for the tangent. I just hate selling ads to begin with. It sucks even more when the people on the other end of the phone are people who youve come to be friends with over the years. You know that they dont want to say ‘no’, but they have to. One guy, a guy I really like, just sent me a not this time letter along with photos of his kids. Its weird. The lines are all crossed. Weve known some of these people for the better part of then years now.

So, thats what Im half-heartedly up to. I contacted four companies. Two said yes and two said, call us next time. If I were approaching this like a businessperson instead of like a zine-making fuck-up, Id call one hundred companies. I know, for instance, that ads for DVDs would work in Crimewave, but I dont have what it takes to make cold calls. Id rather put a second mortgage on the house and pay for the damned thing all myself.

In the back of my head, I keep thinking that sooner or later, maybe in another ten years, advertisers will be seeking us out. Then again, I was also pretty sure that JD Salinger was going to read my last letter and insist on flying me out to New Hampshire so that we could meet Im fucking delusional.

Speaking of delusional, the British keep writing to the Monkey Power website. Today, a girl asked how old we are. Its like were poised to be the next Back Street Boys or something. I wrote and told her that were approaching 40. My guess is that she wont be coming back to leave notes on our site any more.

The strangest note weve received from Europe lately ended with the phrase, now i luv u & am 4eva ur humble retard! Im picturing all of these fourteen year old kids at raves sending us text messages from their cell phones.

I must say that it is nice to have a humble retard though. I was getting a bit fed up with the stuck-up ones.

So, thats my life right now. I answer letters from British kids who think were decades younger than we are, and considerably cooler. Soon their attention will fade though, and I will be back here with you, the people who know me for what I really am a sad middle aged man in a soiled blogging leotard.

So, did you like the Al Franken interview? I knew you would. (note to self: interview Al Franken in Crimewave sometime)

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