queer eye for the obsessive compulsive guy

I went to the eye doctors office yesterday afternoon. I had my eyes, both of them (they wanted to compare the bad one to the good one), poked, prodded, dilated, and otherwise screwed around with for a few hours straight. My eye doctor is young and energetic (she looks to be about 22 and reminds me of a babysitter that I once had as a kid in Atlanta), and she went about it like she had something to prove. It was like an eyeball decathlon. Puffs of air were blown into them, pressure readings were taken, and laser beams were shot into them over and over again, from every possible angle. I was dunked into a tank of gelatinous liquid then suspended upside down over a contraption covered in wildly spinning mechanical tentacles. I think I even felt one of her fingers slide in behind my right eyeball, but Im trying to block that memory out.

During this process, either she, or one of her eye-care goons, held me down, put their hand over my mouth and sprayed some sort of chemical into my eyes. I dont remember much after that, but I do recall that they told me that I wouldnt be able to focus for a few hours. It turns out that it was kind of nice in a way because it made me take a little vacation from the computer, and from television. I did listen to an episode of Columbo with my eyes closed, but that was about it. Otherwise, I just laid on the couch and thought. My most significant thought of the evening was this I needed to find five stylish gay men to fix my life and give it meaning.

So, if youre a gay man in the Midwest and youd like to apply for one of these unpaid positions, let me know. I already have a few gay guys in mind, but Id be glad to consider others.

The whole thing would, of course, be video taped and available for download on-line.

Heres a rough list of some of the people Ive been thinking about. If youre name is not on the list, please dont cry. Just call me and let me know that youre gay, that you have a skill, and that you want to help me.

Arun food and wine
Michael interior decorating
David gardening
Jeremy grooming
Scott clothes
Jim – assorted spiritual issues

(Is Spiritual Issues necessary? I thought that I should probably take advantage of the fact that I have a gay friend whos a professor of eastern religion, but maybe thats going a bit overboard. Could Jim handle the pressure if I asked him to take over the Culture duties? I wonder. I was thinking that I needed someone a bit more theatrical for that role, but maybe he could do it.)

I have some concerns about this list. My main concern is that Jeremy is a how should I say this bitch. I dont think Ive written about it here before, but Jeremy came to a party at my house a few years ago, drank a bottle of tequila and proceeded to berate every woman who crossed his path. At one point, I remember his pointing at a group of women and yelling that their, pussies (were) dripping all over the floor! Shortly thereafter, he was physically removed from the house. When he somehow reappeared a few minutes later, in spite of the locked doors and windows, he was asked how hed gotten back in. His answer: I came back in through Lauras vagina! (From that point on, we stopped inviting Laura and her vagina to parties.) Even with all this against him, however, I cant deny that Jeremy would pull in the ratings points. Hes like a skinny, mean offspring of Simon from American Idol and Paul Lynde.

Will any of this come to pass? Probably not. I still think its worth considering though. I very much like the idea of having free gay labor. (Im picturing myself of a southern plantation with scores of well-dressed gay slaves singing show tunes while tending to the crops.)

So, if you were a gay man named here, please let me know your availability.

Parameters: This whole thing, if it happens, would take place over a three-day weekend. It probably should not take place until my eye has sopped back up all its blood. I will provide drinks. I will provide $1000 for shrubbery, paint, furniture, clothing and beauty products. Landscaping will be primarily limited to the font and side yards of my house. Internal renovations will be limited to my bedroom, living room, kitchen, and office. I will never agree to have my eyebrows dyed or my bikini-area waxed. I might be persuaded to wear contacts. All of this will culminate in my singing a beautiful love song to my wife, Linette, at a local bar, or the opening of my next art exhibit. (Possibly both.)During the first part of the show, where the gay men insult me and throw away my existing wardrobe, I reserve the right to shut down the cameras. If my copy of Baby Got Back 10 is discovered, I again reserve the right to shut down filming. If I at any point break into song, or begin to cry, filming must be stopped. I will not wear a thong. I will not shave my head bald. My gay saviors must vow not to attempt to turn me gay no matter how stunning I become after my spa treatments and spray-on tan. I will not take E, or any other love drug. I will not go into any club with a name like The Man Hole or Bottoms Up.

Then, at the end of taping, just like on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, the men will all sit on a couch and watch my performance on tape, grading me on how well or poorly I incorporate their lessons into my life.

This is way too much work. Forget I even mentioned it. I dont doubt that it would be fun, and I dont doubt that the outcome would be interesting, but I know that, even if I got people to tape it, Id never get around to editing down the footage. Somewhere in this house, Ive got twelve hours of footage of Jeff Kay and I pitching sitcom ideas. I know theres a funny short film in it somewhere, but I just dont have the time to chisel it out. My only hope, Ive determined, is having an army of talented offspring who will be hungry for material to work with. Its sad, but Ive already given up on my generation And by my generation, I mean me.

Oh, speaking of projects that are perhaps too ambitious, Chelsea Lowe and I are pushing forward with our idea of drinking coffee and reading the same article in public at the same time. (If that doesnt make sense to you, scroll back to Monday, July 28.) (Actually, that doesnt sound terribly ambitious at all, now that Ive said it Oh, the ambitious part was trying to get other people around the country to do it as well. Chelsea is actually talking to some folks at the ACLU, seeing whether or not they might be interested in participating as well. That is ambitious. Just she and I drinking coffee, thats not, in itself, ambitious.)

My eye is still full of blood.

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