turning water into wine

Well, your nagging has, at long last, worn me down. I finally gave in and translated the Old Testament of the Bible from the ancient Sumerian texts. There werent very many big surprises, other than the fact that Jesus apparently wasnt so much a messiah, as he was a giant, white grape. From all indications, he was a very juicy, friendly and delicious white grape, but still he was just a white grape.

But wait, theres good news. Apparently the Devil was just a heaping teaspoon of peppercorns.

In case you hadnt guessed, Linette and I went out for dinner again tonight, and, once again, I drank a Kirstie Alleys ass full of beer. So, once again, for the second night in a row, I wont be posting anything of substance. (I suppose it could be argued that Ive never posted anything of substance.) What I will be doing, however, is reprinting a terrible, seditious e-mail that I received today under the heading, Resume of President George W. Bush. I was so shocked and appalled by it that I just had to share it here. I hope you share my contempt and hatred for the author of this piece

* I attacked and took over two countries. * I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the Treasury. * I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history. * I set an economic record for the most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. * I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock market. * I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner. * I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record. * In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history. * After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in US history. * I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president in US history.

* In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job. * I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in US history. * I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. * I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history. * I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of TV. * I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other US president in history * I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed. * I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have. * I cut health care benefits for war veterans. * I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. * I dissolved more international treaties than any President in US history.

* I’ve made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history. * Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (The poorest multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her). * I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt. * I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world. * I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community. * I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States. * I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in US history. * I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Human Rights Commission. * I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history. * I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant. * I withdrew from the World Court of Law. * I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions. * I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.

* I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations. * The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation). * I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history. * I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1) * I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government. * I took the world’s sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history). * I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability. * I am the first US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea. * I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. * I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations bidding for gov’t contracts. * I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history. In a little over two years I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided that the US has been since the civil war. * I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

* I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available). * I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time of war. I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use. * All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father’s library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. * All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. * All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. * Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

Before you write in to complain and call me a left wing nut, let me just say that I realize a number of these accusations arent fair. I do feel, however, that the legitimate ones outnumber the illegitimate ones At any rate, I thought that the piece was worth considering. When you look at all these things strung together, it makes an impact. In the words of John Stewart, “I feel like someone just took a giant shit on my chest.”

Im falling asleep, so I guess thats it for tonight. Tomorrow I will write some good stuff. I promise.

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tired pusser

Im tired too tired to blog. I havent been sleeping as much as I should lately. Thats part of the problem. There are a few other components as well. The first is that the dogs been acting depressed the past few days. As a result, Ive been trying to spend more quality time with her. All my blogging energy today just went into belly rubbing and ear scratching. Linette and I also went out to eat tonight at a bar where I drank enough beer to fill up a jug the size of Kirstie Alleys ass. So, if youll excuse me, Im just going to kick back with my wife and watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on Bravo. (We cancelled our cable TV three weeks ago, but it hasnt stopped coming yet.)

Before I go, heres a movie poster that a reader by the name of Dave made.

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distributed flash mobbing

Chelsea and I have been discussing the viability of what were calling a distributed web mob. The idea would be that all of us would go to a given place at predetermined date and time, just as how its been done in New York by the Flash Mob folks. The only difference would be that we wouldnt all meet in the same place. Instead we would meet at different locations of the same national chain. In this case, the place would be Caribou Coffee.

Heres Chelseas letter that got the conversation started:

Here’s my idea: What if hundreds of people all over the country went into coffee shops at the same time on the same day, all reading copies of the article that got Marc Shultz into trouble? Huh? Huh?

First off, do you remember the Marc Shultz thing? He was the guy in Atlanta who was reported to the FBI for reading a suspicious article while having a cup of coffee at Caribou Coffee. Someone must have watched him leave and jotted down his license plate number. Two FBI agents later tracked him down and work and questioned him as to what he was reading. It turns out that it was an article entitled “Weapons of Mass Stupidity” by Hal Crowther. His dad had emailed to him.

So, Im curious to know who might be interested in following through on what could be just a very small inside joke. I personally havent read the Weapons of Mass Stupidity column and Im thinking that I might as well read it at Caribou Coffee at the same time some of you are. (That in itself could be kind of neat the feeling of all of us reading the same thing at the same time.)

Heres my response to Chelseas first note:

I love the idea, Chelsea. We’d have to call it something to get people’s attention though. How about a Flush Mob, a kind of distributed mob that happens not in one place, but spread out all over? This first one we could get people all over the US to go to their local Caribou Coffee place, or perhaps even Starbucks, and suspiciously read the same article. I wonder if anyone would do it… except for me and you… and we might eventually chicken out. It would be fun. Maybe I will actually act on this idea of yours. Maybe I will.

So, thats how the idea for the worlds first Flush Mob was born. It may just be Chelsea and I, but I think were going to give it a go. Who knows, you might do it too You might go into your local coffee shop at the designated date and time and see someone else who just happens to be suspiciously reading the same article. That would be kind of cool, wouldnt it?

So, I guess if anyone wants to, we could pick a time and then maybe even send out an email chain letter Maybe I should read the article first to see if it warrants the attention. It would suck if we have dozens of people, perhaps even hundreds of people, print out this article carry it into a coffee shop and read it, if its no good. Maybe thats the risk well have to take though.

So, I ask you, would this be a good exercise? Would this be worth doing? I am personally thinking that it would be good for me to participate just because it would force me to spend the time thinking about privacy issues and how much freedom were willing to give up for security.

OK, thats it for now. Think about it and get back to me. I will, over the course of the next few days, convene with my Board of Directors and get back to you with a date and a time. In the meantime, dont read that article that I linked to.

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make your own debris sandwich

Here are the ingredients. Stack them up however you like:

It looks as though Pakistan has banned the new issue of Newsweek, which includes new interpretations of the Quran. They say it offends Islam. Among other things, they dont like the idea that, according to a German linguist mentioned in the magazine, those who Muslims die as martyrs will be met in the afterlife not by 72 sex-starved virgins, as weve all been told, but by 72 white raisins Damn, that wouldnt be nearly as good for recruiting.

If I had an intern, right now youd be looking at a photo of some really pissed-off and horny dead terrorists contemplating little stacks of Sun Made raisins.

You may not agree, but Vanity Fairs Christopher Hitchens, whom I like, just appeared on the BBC talking about how well things are going in Iraq. As much as we hate the fact that soldiers are still dying every day, it is worth noting that things thus far have gone better than most of us would have predicted.

While were on the subject of the war, I also liked what this fellow put together. Its a pretty good overview of the situation in Iraq and how it is that weve gotten to where we are today. It may read as fairly conservative, but I think it probably accurately reflects the thinking of the Bush administration.

Will someone please tell me that this isnt a photo of our President autographing an American flag?!

If I had that intern, Id have a web page where you could see an enlargement of what Bush was writing on the flag. It, no doubt, would be something hilariously funny Maybe something, Please help me. Im in over my head. Or, Call my dad and tell him to come and get me. Cheney wont let me go home. We should have a contest. What do you think that he was writing on the flag?

John McCain and Joseph Lieberman are trying to issue legislation that would put a cap on emissions in the U.S. While they neither one feel as though the bill will realistically pass, they want for Senators to have to say on the record how they feel about global warming and the threat it poses.

“You want to take votes to put people on the record, to make them take responsibility for their positions,” said Mr. McCain, Republican of Arizona.

I think I may have mentioned it yesterday, but theres a chance that I might be falling in love with John McCain. I need to look into the Draft McCain movement.

MIT Technology Review has a story on CAPPS I and II, the database programs the airlines will be using to screen for potential terrorists. According to their expert on aviation safety statistics, these programs might actually make things easier for terrorists.

OK, thats enough good news for tonight. Now I need to get to the real blogging.

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gaining ground in iraq

Were getting closer to Saddam. Today we got Bob Hope.

Im told that right now, the military is considering showing Bob Hopes photo in order to prove to the people of America that he really is dead this time.

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