the ingredients of tonights debris sandwich

are a bit soggy. Its my fault. Theres been a lot of beer sloshing around the headquarters this weekend. You see, Linette and I were a bit more social than usual. Instead of just sitting on the couch, eating salty, boiled soybeans and watching the season premier of Monk as we had planned to, we went outside like healthy, well-adjusted people and made friends. We even spoke to strangers. As if that werent enough, we also attended a party (where an odd little man told me that I looked evil). Its not the kind of thing Id like to do often, but it was good fun. I felt like people must have felt in the in the early 1900s. We just sat around bars and picnic tables drinking beer and talking. At one point, we even found ourselves sitting around a piano while a man played Gershwin tunes. I felt like I should be wearing a straw hat… No TVs, no computers, just lots of human-to-human interaction. Its not something Im terribly good at, but I found myself happy to be doing it But enough of that, heres what you ordered. As youll notice, I havent assembled it for you tonight. Tonight you need to make your own sandwich. I think youll find everything you need here though.

An old jar of crusty mayo: We think that we may have killed Saddam again. This time, we apparently sent a missile to a satellite phone that were pretty sure was his. According to the British press, were in the process of testing the DNA of the corpses we retrieved right now. The Pentagon is denying it though. (They probably wont announce it until the Republican convention, when Bush can drag the corpse around Ground Zero.)

A paper plate stacked high with pepper jack cheese: While theres not a savant hat yet, one might be right around the corner. According to this article in the New York Times, an electromagnetic pulse sent through your brain could give you special and amazing powers, not unlike those exhibited by people with autism. Tests show it could even make you a better artist. Heres a clip from the article:

You could call this a creativity-amplifying machine. It’s a way of altering our states of mind without taking drugs like mescaline. You can make people see the raw data of the world as it is. As it is actually represented in the unconscious mind of all of us.”

A monkey paw full of capers: New Zealand TV calls Bush a Professional Fascist, then quickly apologizes before we can launch an attack.

A boot filled with chipped beef: Speaking of Bush, he now has a new theory. In a speech yesterday, he explained that we havent found weapons of mass destruction because weapons sites have been looted.

A sack of kosher salt: Israelis celebrate the recent ceasefire by putting bullet through head of senior Hamas official.

A nylon stocking stuffed full of fresh mozzarella: I personally doubt whether the views of American soldiers shared in this British newspaper article are the prevailing thoughts of our people serving in Iraq. A lot of columnists have been talking lately about how tired, confused and angry our troops are, but this piece is the darkest Ive seen yet. Here, if you can believe it, is a quote from one of our soldiers:

“There’s a picture of the World Trade Center hanging up by my bed and I keep one in my Kevlar [flak jacket]. Every time I feel sorry for these people I look at that. I think, ‘They hit us at home and, now, it’s our turn.’ I don’t want to say payback but, you know, it’s pretty much payback.”

A tangy mango and lime compote: And, to make matters worse, Newsweeks Eleanor Clift declares the Bush administration as the most arrogant in recent history

A thinly sliced jellyfish face: Not to be outdone, this man calls Bush a coward. To quote the author, Bush is a coward. I am the one who took his place in Vietnam, so I should know.

The meat of a liberated lab animal: More op-ed doubt in the New York Times as to the official story on Jessica Lynch, her rescue and her subsequent silence.

A beer-soaked loaf of what was once a really good bread: A brilliant criticism of Liz Phairs new album and the pathetic brand of career suicide that came with it.

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