porno monday

I dont think that Porno Monday is going to become a regular feature here at MM.com. I certainly dont see it becoming an institution like, lets say, Ball-shaving Fridays or Diaper Thong Thursdays have become, for instance. I do, however, feel as though this one particular Monday needs to be denoted in this special way As my fictional great aunt Mildred was known to say, today was simply rich with porn.

It came in threes.

First, my mailbox has been overflowing today with news that hirsute male adult-film star Ron The Hedgehog Jeremy was arrested a short distance from my house after performing at the all-nude gentlemens club up the street.

As Ive never been in the club myself, I cant verify what Im about to say, but its always been my understanding that men are not usually nude in the club. My guess, therefore, would be that Mr. Jeremy was not performing in the nude for other gentlemen. If this is the case, my fantasy world is about to come crumbling to the ground.

My friend Scott Huffines, formerly of Baltimores Atomic Books, was the first to bring it to my attention. He sent me this link to the story that was running on the Smoking Gun. (Philadelphias Kez Panel came in with the link just a few minutes later. Sorry, Kez. Better luck next time.)

According to the article, Jeremy was arrested after a 20-year-old woman claimed he assaulted her in a Michigan striptease club.

Apparently, he spent a night in jail here, but was ultimately released yesterday, after prosecutors said there was not enough evidence to pursue the criminal-sexual-conduct charge.

(I want to insert a joke here about Ypsilanti just not being a big enough town for two well-hung, yet repulsive men such as ourselves, but modesty wont allow it.)

So, that is story number one. Ron Jeremy was arrested on a criminal sexual conduct charge” within a few hundred penis-lengths of my house.

Issue number two.

Yesterday I mentioned, quite innocently, an idea that had popped into my head concerning the possibility of funding legitimate artistic enterprises through the manufacture and distribution of hardcore smut. It came as somewhat of a shock to me that more than just a few of you wrote in to discuss the real viability of such an operation. Where I was expecting outrage, I was greeted by enthusiasm. The even more difficult thing for me to reconcile is the fact that much of this came from the women in the audience.

Im not sure what to make of that. I thought that it was worth commenting on though.

As for the project, Im now sufficiently terrified. Your comments have made me see the possibility as being somewhat real and that makes me feel ashamed and dirty.

I would not make a good pornographer.

Please dont make me become a pornographer.

Third.

Today I was walking the dog around the streets of Ypsilanti. At one intersection, I looked to my left and saw scattered down the middle of the street several magazines. I saw what looked to be the color of human flesh on the pages. Being somewhat intrigued, I turned to walk toward them and check them out. As I approached, I confirmed my first suspicion. It was porn.

Now this is something that at thirteen would have elated me. I would have stuffed them in my shirt and run away with them. At 35, however, they did little to raise my spirits. I thought about the various fluids that must be teaming over them and I felt a bit apprehensive. I kicked one over with the tip of my shoe to see that it was a Hustler. I could see a few feet away that there was an issue of Playboy.

As I stood there, smack dab in the middle of the otherwise empty street, I heard a womans voice coming from behind me. She was saying, Youre pretty curious, arent you? She was sitting on the front steps of an apartment, petting a brown, long-eared rabbit that sat in her lap.

Id seen her before. I dont know if Ive ever told you about her before, but she walks a rabbit on a leash. Shes on that corner every now and then.

We discuss the porn. She said that a car just went by, she didnt notice the make or model, and a man, the driver of the car, tossed the stack of them out the window. I stammered a few times that I wasnt planning to do anything with them, that I was just curious. I walked away from them as she said that she was going to toss them in the dumpster before her daughter got home. I mentioned that it was ironic that just yesterday was Ypsi Pride Day, the day when all of us so inclined to do so go out and pick up trash around town. I said, Maybe this is tradition, like Santa Clause. Maybe every year, the day after Ypsi Pride Day, another group celebrates De-Porn Your Car Day. Or maybe it was ghost car.

Im up much too late. Theres lots more I want to say, but itll probably keep.

I love you all, my invisible friends.

One last thing: Even though I said above that I dont want to pursue the idea of an artists collective funded by porn money, I cant help but think its possible. Im sitting here, hating myself for thinking these things, but, at the same time, wondering if I could raise $20 K in Paypal contributions to make a good, low budget, politically charged adult film with a kick-ass soundtrack. What if, god-forbid, this is my calling, the thing Ive been waiting all of my life for?

Now I really must sleep.

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