the poop post

Two poop-related things happened in my life today… Actually, three poop-related things happened in my life today, but I only want to mention two.

First, a woman wrote in to ask me for a fecal sample. As best as I could understand, she wanted to impregnate herself with it… I wrote back and broke the sad news to her that conceiving from poop is, according to scientists, almost ten times more difficult than conceiving from semen. And, I would imagine that using cold, shipped poop would not help the odds any.

Second, I received the following submission from Patty Stevenson, a woman in Chicago who, as far as I know, does not want to carry my “pooh baby” to term.

I was in San Francisco several years ago visiting some friends. My friend Amy and I took her car down to a bar in the Civic Center and parked on the street. As we got out of the car a homeless dude came up to us and asked us for change. We said “no, sorry” and kept walking. Amy got a bad feeling from the guy and felt we should turn the corner. Sensing the coast was clear, we proceeded to meet our other friends at the bar. Then, it was time for Amy to take me to the train station so I could get back to Palo Alto. When I went to open the passenger-side door, I felt something weird underneath the handle. I retracted my hand, noticed there was something on it, smelled my fingers and it determined it was human poo. It had insidiously worked its way underneath my fingernails. Apparently the guy was so mad that we didn’t give him any money, he went into the alley, took a shit and masterfully shoved it up under the car door handle so it was undetectable to the casual observer. What makes it even worse is that I had to go back to the bar and scrub my hands and subsequently ended up missing my train. I can still smell the poo in my olfactory memory and I feel I might never truly get it all out from under my nails. And Amy had a hell of a time cleaning her car.

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