I love my family. With that said, however, there are some other emotions thrown in there too, along with the pure feelings of love and joy. Theres anger. Theres confusion. Theres guilt. Theres lots of stuff. I know Im not alone in this. I know that this is almost universal. I also know that others had it a lot worse than I did growing up. Im not complaining. Im just stating that it was difficult growing up in my family. I just wanted to say that before launching into a story about my family and how we got to where we are today.
I had few friends as a kid. It seemed as though when I did make friends, my dad would get transferred and wed move. My family moved around a lot. In addition to this, I was always a bit of an odd kid. I liked to be by myself. My play usually revolved around the ordering of things. Id sort and organize for fun. That should have tipped someone off to my OCD, but people didnt look for things like that back then.
It didnt help me much that I had a very outgoing sister, someone who cheerled and went on dates, while I took every opportunity available to blend into my surroundings and hide. I was adverse to any attention whatsoever, positive or negative. On occasions when Id get called on in class, Id feel like I was dying. Id panic about every little thing that could go wrong. I generally refused to stand up when speaking. My legs would shake so horribly that I couldnt possibly. On occasion, when forced to stand and speak, Id later be told my friends that it was one off the most painful things theyd ever had to witness. Im sure it was like watching a man approach the electric chair.
My sister, who then had more friends, a social life, activities outside the home, etc, didnt understand me. No one did. My mom and dad had grown up popular and outgoing as well. I was a mystery to the lot of them. My mom on one occasion showed up to our house with a boy from my school. She said shed seen him outside, on the street, a few miles away, and picked him up. She told us to go and play. God knows what he was thinking. I cant remember if he just sprinted home, or if he immediately called his mom to come and rescue him. My mother also had me see the school shrink, and signed me up for oil painting classes. I would have rather stayed home and watched TV, but Im glad now that she made me do that stuff. Im particularly thankful that, one day, after dropping my sister off at her friend Marcias house, she pushed me out of the car and made me go in and say hello to her brother, Dan. Since then, Dan has become one of my best friends At any rate, my mom tortured me through childhood, but I love her for it. Id still be living in their basement if they hadnt resorted to such drastic measures.
So, thats some of the history. Theres lots more, but itll have to wait for another day. Its midnight and I want to go to sleep.
I just mentioned that to kind of put into context why it was that I had mixed feelings about spending this last weekend with my family. Its a weird dynamic. And, this was the first time the four of us, my sister, my mother, my dad and I, have been alone together, without Linette or anyone else to alter the dynamic, in over a decade. I was afraid Id walk in and immediately take on my old role as the oddball that needed changing. Fortunately, it wasnt like that. Patterns had changed since then. The odd son is now the happily married of the two siblings, and hes doing fairly well.
I really do have to sleep now. Goodnight, silly little people of the internet. I will pick up this thread tomorrow.
