monster sperm

On the subject of reader letters, I also just got this note. Its from Natalie in New York.

to add to the continuing creature coverage (which i’ve appreciated):

the new york times has dragons tattooed on the front of its science section today.

the writer can’t admit that they might have existed, but he (or the editor) does give the last word to someone who challenges the explanation that dragons were just exaggerated crocodiles, leaving the conclusion inconclusive:

“But David Quammen, an independent scholar writing a book about the relationship between indigenous peoples and their predators, points out that although draconian crocodiles appear in the mythology of Australian aborigines, dragons are just as common in the myths of Vikings, who might have been eaten by bears, but never by crocs. And dragon lore is rare in Africa, where crocs are common, but predator myths revolve more around lions and hyenas.”

another interesting tidbit from the article is the theory from hundreds of years ago explaining how these animals came into being:

“Dragons were clearly a hybrid, part snake, part bird and part bat. In the 17th century, they were explained by the newly popular ‘spermatick principle,’ which held that semen formed creatures and that the egg was a mere food source. Sometimes, scholars surmised, sperm from different species could mix and make a monster.

“Mr. Lhwyd of the Oxford museum argued that semen from fish and snakes could rise high into the air with evaporation, rain down again and end up in the high aeries of eagles and vultures. In a lucky process called ‘fermentational putrefaction,’ the mix could produce a winged snake.”

pretty great, huh?

we should bring back the word “spermatick.”* looking in the dictionary, I realize we have retained “spermatic,” but nobody uses that to help describe the interesting things going on out there. i think the k is required for gravity’s sake, to weigh down the word.

* spermatickos is a new breakfast cereal featuring toasted dragons, rocs, and free-floating elephant-bird eggs and mammoth tusks.

I have the perfect image to use here, something my friend in Chicago sent to me yesterday, but I’m forcing myself not to post it. Some things just push the boundaries of decency too far. Theres a line that I wont cross, even on the internet.

While I wont post the photo here, I will tell you what the image was of. Its a photo of a man who had transformed his penis, though the art of tattoo, into a hideous cock-necked dragon. The dragon is bright green, with red wings that spread across the man’s stomach. The tail starts at his belly button and ends with a head at the tip of his cock, which is covered in tattooed scales. The eyes of the dragon, on either side of the cock, are formed by metal bolts. It is one of the saddest, scariest things I have ever seen. I just pray that it isnt something my friend saw with her own eyes.

(Actually, this friend told me that the picture is something her boyfriend found while searching on-line for information on a guitar. Im not exactly sure how that works. Ive searched on-line for guitars in the past and my searches have never yielded close-up cock photos.)

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  1. Gia
    Posted June 29, 2010 at 8:35 pm | Permalink

    This post did not help me. I am no closer to procuring monster sperm.

  2. Star Nugent
    Posted August 28, 2010 at 5:55 am | Permalink

    Does anyone know where I could obtain sperms from an actual monster? Preferably I’d like sperms from a golem.

  3. Tattoo Farm
    Posted April 16, 2011 at 11:21 pm | Permalink

    I would love to start up a company selling monster sperm, but I have two concerns. First, I think it would be difficult to procure said monster sperm. And, second, I’m not certain that people would purchase it, if I could get it. And, third, I’m not sure that monsters really exist. So, I guess I have three concerns. Otherwise, I think it’s a compelling business concept.

  4. StaibiaI Eeta
    Posted May 25, 2011 at 8:38 pm | Permalink

    Of all the monsters known to man, I believe that Mothra’s sperm would be the most delicious.

  5. Ed Ting
    Posted June 17, 2011 at 1:27 am | Permalink

    I’ve heard that dog sperm can be substituted for werewolf sperm in recipes. Is that true?

  6. Gymn
    Posted June 26, 2011 at 4:24 pm | Permalink

    I know redheads aren’t technically monsters, but I’ve found their sperm to substitute quite nicely.

  7. suipHa
    Posted August 14, 2011 at 10:13 pm | Permalink

    I would kill for a glass of Dracula sperm right now.

  8. Max
    Posted October 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm | Permalink

    Would you settle for Boehner sperm? If so, I think I can scrape some from the tanning be crypt where he sleeps.

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