homeland terror drink specials

Today, I was at work when the terror level got demoted from a level Orange to a level Yellow. I got a little email from CNN telling me that there had been an announcement. Someone in an office near mine must have gotten the same message. I heard her tell another person in the hallway. Other than that, it wasn’t mentioned. Life went on in much the same way that it always does.

It seems to me that there should be some kind of fanfare when we shimmy down the rainbow of terror, at least some acknowledgement… Sitting at my desk, I began to picture a drink cart, like the ones used on airplanes, being pushed from office to office, serving some kind of tropical fruit drink… maybe something with rum and coconut milk, definitely something with an umbrella in it. It just seemed to me as though a voice of an elated administrator should have come over the public address system telling us all to take to the streets in some kind of “sailor kissing a woman in Time Square” moment. Instead, there was nothing.

Everyone knows that the chances of this “Homeland Security Advisory System” getting it right are pretty slim. I don’t think that many people are disappointed by the fact, but we have gotten up the Red before and nothing has happened. As that’s the case, I don’t know how seriously anyone takes it. Perhaps, if we added an element of fun though… free Homeland Security cookies, a half-day off from work, a parade.

OK, here’s a related thought. How about bar specials that are tied to the color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System? How about drinks get less expensive based on how high the level is? The closer you get to Red (and thus death in a terrorist attack), the farther your beer-buying dollar will go. Is anyone doing this? This, I think, is my best idea ever. Much better than that thing with the nude women spelling out “No Bush in 04.”

OK, I have a lot more that I want to say about this, but I won’t bore you now. (No, I’ll wait until the weekend.) If you do have ideas for drink specials, or special drinks for each level of terror, let me know. We can work together on it and I can set up a special page somewhere clean, so that we can invite other people over to see it.

Goodnight my invisible little friends from the internet.

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i guess that’s why i love him

I got on Google a few minutes ago and did a search on “Columbo + OCD.” I wanted to see if MM.com showed up anywhere near the top. I thought that it might. I didn’t think that there would be too many other websites that talked about both Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Peter Falk to the extent that I did… It didn’t occur to me, however, that there could be people out there theorizing that the character of police detective Columbo could himself suffer from OCD. Well, at least one site did just that. Here’s a clip from the article that I found:

In addition to his multiple phobias, there is evidence that Columbo may suffer from underlying mental or personality disease, including Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and some Paranoid features.

Columbo’s wife complains that he is “compulsive” about his need to “tie up loose ends” (in the episode “Lady In Waiting”), and we see this behavior of Columbo in every episode. Columbo describes this compulsion in various ways, like: “It’s just one of those things that gets in my head and keeps rolling around in there like a marble” (“Double Exposure”).

“OCD” might also explain little quirks like Columbo’s eating the same thing for lunch every day, or his inability to quit cigars.

Undoubtedly, this bothers Mrs Columbo, and interferes with his enjoyment of life. “I worry,” he says. “I mean, little things bother me. I’m a worrier. I mean, little insignificant details – I lose my appetite. I can’t eat. My wife, she says to me, ‘You know, you can really be a pain’.” (“Ransom For A Dead Man”)

It’s weird, but I’ve never considered the possibility that he could have OCD, which is odd because I’ve spoken with people at length about the TV show “Monk” and the fact that the lead character on that show, another police detective (or, to be more precise, a former police detective), suffers openly from OCD.

When I think about it, a lot of the stuff does sound like OCD… his eating the same thing for lunch, his constant worrying, his wearing the same clothes, his unique way of looking at things. It makes since. It just never occurred to me.

Maybe, subconsciously, I always knew though. Maybe, at least in part, that’s why I loved him since I was a kid. Maybe without even knowing it, I was patterning myself after him, using him as an role model for my budding OCD… I didn’t have a rumpled trench coat, but I did wear the same black windbreaker every day of my high school career.

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clothed people come out against war

No one wrote in to tell me how clever I was for thinking up the idea of having nude women spell out “No Bush in 04” with their bodies. I thought that was great. I was convinced, as I finally settled down to sleep last night, that I’d have calls from the networks on my machine this morning. I thought by this time today I’d have sitcom development deal on my desk.

While none that happened, I did get a note from a mysterious reader who calls himself Dave S. This Dave S asked that I link to a page of images depicting clothed people around the world protesting our government’s approaching war with Iraq. He didn’t position it as such, but I think, in some way, he was chastising me focusing on the smaller, all-nude protests when much larger, clothed ones were taking place around the globe. Perhaps he has a point.

With that in mind, here’s a link to the site he wanted me to direct you to, as well as a few sample images I copied from the site. (My favorite is the one showing the kid with the gas pump handle poking against his head like a gun. I’m not sure that I agree with the political sentiment behind it, but I like the image.) (link)

So, in summation, I think that these are pretty cool pictures… IF THEY’RE REAL! (Couldn’t all of this be done in Photoshop? Couldn’t this be another one of those enormous, well-executed left wing conspiracies?)

It actually is pretty cool to scroll through these images and see the 25 or so different protests that have recently taken place around the world. This is one of those kinds of things that really illustrates what’s great about the internet. It make global, real-time grassroots activism/journalism possible.

And, it’s nice to be reminded on occasion that the internet isn’t just a delivery device for hardcore porn.

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voodoo blogger

Someone, somewhere has a voodoo doll with my face on it. I know it. Too many things are going on with my body for it to be a coincidence. First there was the cold. Then, last night, there was the piercing pain in my right shoulder that kept me awake until well past 2:00 AM. And now it’s my fucking back. It feels like I’m being wrung-out like an old dishtowel.

I expect to get some kind of blackmail letter in my in-box this evening, perhaps a picture of a hand holding a tiny Mark Maynard doll precariously over a roaring fire.

“Send $100 by PayPal or we toss you in, asshole.”

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telecommute for national security

What if we as a nation ramp up our telecommuting in order to cut down on our use of foreign oil? Think about it. If we cut down to four days a week in the office, for those of us that have office jobs that don’t really require us to be there, we could significantly cut down on not only highway congestion and pollution, but on the importation of foreign oil. This would be a great opportunity to also push the use of high-speed next-generation internet applications, digital video conferencing and other emerging technologies to use these developing tools to cut our dependence on petroleum products. It may mean a bit of infrastructure investing in terms of broadband dispersion and such but it would be worth it in the long run. It needs to be done anyway. I haven’t heard any politicians talking about this. Perhaps I should organize something… like the MarkMaynard.com Bill for the Four Day Fuck the Middle-East, I’m a Patriot, Work Week. (I figure if I stick the word Patriot in, it has a better chance of passing.)

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