the ball-toucher versus the face picker

I can’t believe that not one person wrote to me about the image of the woman who obsessively picked at her face until she lost an eye and dug well through her sinus cavity, into her brain. Do things like this no longer warrant comment? Does she have to run across a studio with a dead rat in her mouth to illicit a response? Or prepare a Chinese baby in a crock pot?

You Americans frighten me.

Speaking of frightening, I’ve just learned that a female reader of this site in New York City has actually touched male balls! Yup, she wrote in and told me herself. (Her letter was in reference to a piece we ran last week on a column entitled, “ Why You Should Touch My Balls,” not because of any chatroom request that I made. I have not gotten to the point yet of asking young women to write me letters concerning their ball-touching adventures.)

Here’s her very touching note… and she quotes from a story that I thinking I might want to option for an after school special.

some people write about it, others make it happen. harry chandler made a “mangina” for himself, which he wears in public sometimes. he invites people to examine and touch his man-made vagina, painstakingly assembled using plastic and real hair from wigs. his balls, pulled back and fitted into the contraption, act as the labia and so are an integrated part of the creation. when people run their fingers over his mangina, they are stroking his balls. i know he did not create this piece in order to have his balls touched, but he must have considered it, it being a nice perk.

“It’s on,” he said, and I turned around and he ambled toward me completely naked. His vagina was mildly grotesque, but also quite authentic appearing. It was furry like a pussy and sure enough, hanging out of a disguised hole was his excess scrotal sack looking like puffy labia. He had the whole thing fastened around him with an extremely thin, clear tubing. I was stunned on many levels. His body is sallow, boyishly hairless and reed thin, though he has a slight paunch above the genitals. It is an innocent, yet tortured body. From the left knee down he has a rubber, prosthetic leg with a flexible rubber foot, having lost his leg some years ago in Cape Fear, North Carolina. So to see a vagina on this physique was rather remarkable. I felt both pity and awe. I was glad he was my friend.

(read the whole episode (recommended) here.)

i have seen and touched this bit of ingenuity. it did not disappoint.

I should point out that I received several comments on that ball-touching post.

So, I’ve come to this conclusion:
Ball-touching trumps face-picking when it comes to audience satisfaction. (I’ll just tuck that away in the “What this site has taught me” file for now.)

he’s so heavy
While I haven’t been paying strict attention, it is my belief that I’ve been gaining, on average, a pound a day for the past two months. My question is this: How long can I possibly go on gaining a pound a day? Could I, if I really set my mind on it, gain a pound a day for an entire year? Could it be that this is my calling? Could this be my shot to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records (GBWR)?

Could I find corporate sponsors? What’s the opposite of Subway? Is it the Cracker Barrel? Old Country Buffet? Would an agent of the GBWR have to live with Linette and me, weighing me every day? Could I somehow harness the media attention to drive home my message of love and world peace? What would I look like at 565 pounds? Could I lose a pound a day for a year? Could I fight Subway’s Jared for money on Fox? Shit, this is by far the best idea that I’ve ever had.

operation whitney lover
UPDATE: I fucked up. I took a few days away from the computer, and, in that time, I lost the Ebay auction for the Whitney Houston CD that I was bidding on. (It was the soundtrack to the movie “The Bodyguard.”) I can’t believe that I cannot even do this right. (Maybe gaining obscene amounts of weight really is the only thing that I can do well.)

lots of good stuff to read, no time to comment
There are too many stories I want to link to every day. I can’t possibly do it. I want to make comments and stuff, but there’s not enough time in the day, so I’ve decided to just do a long, rambling link paragraph. Here goes… William Safire has a piece on Turkey and their role in the upcoming war with Iraq, which I found to be very good. Basically, he’s giving them his opinion, which is to stop negotiating for a bigger U.S. paycheck and to do what’s in their long-term best interest, which is to actively get onboard. (story)… Wired News today is running an article on the just released ACLU report on the state of privacy. I haven’t read the report itself yet, but the article is good. (story)… “San Jose Mercury News” tech writer Dan Gilmore chimes in on Stanford Law professor Lawrence Lessig’s loss in front of the Supreme Court yesterday. In his article, entitled, “Supreme Court Endorses Copyright Theft,” Gilmore states the obvious – which is to say that extending existing copyrights for an additional 20 years, as has just been done, is absolute lunacy. As professor Lessig argued, it is absolute insanity that Mickey “Steamboat Willie” Mouse is still under federal copyright protection after approximately 80 years. (Gilmore reminds us that Walt Disney himself often made use of materials that had entered the public domain.) Here’s a quick quote from Gilmore’s article: “Who got robbed? You did. I did… Who won? Endlessly greedy media barons who will now collect billions from works that should have long since entered the public domain.” Yikes. (story)

can’t touch this
And this just in from our friend Julie Bird and the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints… According to Mormon teachings, masturbation is a sin. As that’s the case, they’ve found it necessary to provide their parishioners with the tools necessary to keep them from the temptation of “self abuse”. Following are a few helpful hints from the Mormon text.

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.

I like number four the best.

4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes — just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present.

Do people really masturbate because they admire themselves? I know my self-esteem is low, but that never even crossed my mind. I’ve never thought, “Wow. That’s guy’s handsome. I wonder if I could have sex with him. Hey, wait a second, that’s me, and I can have sex with him!”

If you want to find out how to get the masturbation monkey off your back once and for all, just click here.

And in unrelated news, a small boy by the name of Arun just send in this Bible passage.

“There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of horses.” Ezekiel 23:20

Good night.

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