pissy skills

I just spent the past few hours going over my comedy resume and I’ve noticed a glaring deficiency. It shows absolutely no experience and/or competency with regard to urinal humor. Embarrassingly, there isn’t even one Johnny Cake (the deodorant puck that sits at the bottom of the urinal, absorbing the brunt of the urine stream’s aggression) reference to be found.

Being a consummate professional, I immediately set about rectifying the situation.

Following are my early-stage thoughts on the matter. It is my hope that one of these ideas blossoms into a full-fledged Urinal Routine in the not too distant future.

-Certain things always occur to me when I’m at the urinal. One his how funny it would be to walk up to one and see a turd sitting in it. In fact, I so much like this idea that I’ve toyed with the thought of calling my next book, “Shitting in Urinals.”

It’s not that I want to poop in a urinal and it’s certainly not that I have some poop in a urinal finding fetish. I just think it would be a great piece of comedic art… better than walking into a stall and finding a fish in the toilet. It’s anarchy. It’s dogs and cats lying down with one another. It’s a sign of the apocalypse.

-The other thought I have each and every time I use a public restroom is this. I think it would be great to stand at a urinal, like I’m preparing to take a piss, and then to pull out a freakishly massive, yet realistic-looking, cock out of my pants. That’s not the joke though. The funny thing, at least in my mind, is what comes next.

I’d like to drop the head end of this massive fake cock, with a loud splash, and something of a thud, into the bottom of the urinal. I’d like to do this, you understand, so that it appears as natural as possible. I’d want people think that this is the way I always urinate. I just heft out my massive tool and I toss it down into the basin where it can coil up next to the Johnny Cake.

Of course, I’d like to I’d do this standing an inch or so away from the urinal so that the folks around me could kind of see it. Then, after a few moments of low “on my god this is such a good piss” moaning, I’d hoist it out of the water, wipe it off on my pant leg and then stuff it back into my pants. I would then wash my hands and leave as though nothing had happened.

This is my most brilliant idea ever. This is my Sistine Chapel.

i voted

I got my flue shot yesterday and today I voted. I’m sure there’s a joke there somewhere just dying to come out, but I don’t have the energy to find it. I blew my comedy load with that urinal material and now I just want to tread water until the TV show “24” comes on.

As for the election, this is a big one. It’s our nation’s first since the big fuck up in Florida, the one that preceded the Bush/Gore Hanging Chad Supreme Court Smack-Down. It’s our chance to show the world that, yes, we do live in a democracy.

It’s an ugly election. A lot is at stake. That’s evident from the viciousness of the personal attacks. I just read that there’s a race in Texas where one fellow is suggesting that another was complicit in the murder of a DEA agent because he sat on the board of directors at a bank where they once cashed a minor league drug lord’s check.

Here in Michigan we received a flyer in the mail showing a sad looking transsexual man with long blonde hair and wearing terribly bad makeup. The flyer suggested that some people around here would like to see this man using the women’s restroom, right alongside our daughters and granddaughters. (As a friend quickly pointed out to me, this would mean that they, the people who sent the flyer, would rather this man goes into the restroom with our sons and grandsons.)

It’s getting ugly lots of places. Following is a quote from Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe.

“The tactics being used around the country the day before Election Day to intimidate voters and suppress voter turnout are nothing less than despicable.” As an example of this he offered the following.

“We have seen anonymous fliers displayed in predominantly African American communities in Baltimore, MD, with an incorrect Election Day date, warning voters to make sure their parking tickets are paid, their rent is not overdue, and they take care of any outstanding warrants before they go vote.”

If you want to see a copy of the flyer in question, I found one here.

My TV show is coming on now… More tomorrow.