columbo coma

I swear I had lots of cool shit I was going to write about tonight, but I just looked at to see when I could catch a rebroadcast of last night’s episode of the Soprano’s, since I missed it, and I noticed that an episode of Columbo was coming on in a little while.

It’s like being in surgery, when the anesthesiologist begins the chemical drip into your arm and starts counting backward… 10, 9, 8… Right now, things are starting to get dreamy, and I feel myself beginning to slip away. I know that in just a few short minutes, I’ll be flat on my back in front of the TV, incapable of performing even the most rudimentary Christopher Reeves pinky wiggle.

As I will not be able to pay attention to my wife, I know there will be serious consequences afterward, but I can not help myself. I will, like a black-out binge drunk or a werewolf, just have to go with it for now and assess the damage once I’ve come back to the here-and-now.

Can our relationship stand another Columbo-related incident? We’ll have to wait and see.

To make matters worse, it isn’t just any episode of Columbo, but it’s one that I am fairly sure I have never seen before. Entitled “Etude in Black,” it stars John Cassavetes, star of “The Killing Of A Chinese Bookie” (1976), and Myrna Loy, one the most beautiful women to have ever walked this earth of ours.

Myrna Loy

I’ve had a crush on Myrna Loy since I’ve been a little kid. When other boys were day dreaming about Marcia Brady, I was mooning over Myrna, a woman from the classic era of Hollywood, a woman that I had only ever seen in black and white. I don’t know the first thing about the woman as she existed in real life, off the movie or TV screen. I just know that she was sexy, and smart… At least that’s the way she came across in the “Thin Man” movies, alongside William Powell. If I had to choose a film character’s life to step into, it would probably be Nick Charles (William Powell), the dashing, clever, hard-drinking, murder-solving husband to the witty and wealthy Nora Charles (Myrna Loy).

I just told Linette of my plan for the evening and mentioned that I’d be incommunicado for the next few hours. She warned me, with a laugh, that I would probably lose my crush on Myrna Loy in the process, after seeing her “old and crazy” on Columbo. Somehow, I’ve been lucky up till now and I haven’t seen her old. The last thing I probably saw her in was “The Best Years of Our Lives” (1946). Maybe Linette’s got a point. Maybe this is a bad thing. Fuck it.

So, I’m going away now.

If I had children and if they were on fire, I would not do my best to help them during commercials. Nothing short of that will rouse me from my couch.

Good night,

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