Happy Terrorism Day, Everybody!

That was the firs thing I said when I got to work this morning. I just walked through the door, saw our administrative staff sitting quietly at their desks, fumbled around for a second trying to think of the right thing to say, and then blurted out, “Happy Terrorism Day, everybody.” The funny thing is, I wasn’t trying to be funny. That’s just what came out when I opened my stupid mouth.

What are other people saying today? It is kind of a holiday, and we introduce all of our other holidays with either a “happy” or a “merry.” But this holiday, unlike the others, is a sad holiday. We don’t have any other holidays like that. Maybe Easter was like that once, when it was really about the death of Jesus, but, like everything else, it’s changed over time. Wouldn’t it be weird if this became a holiday like Easter in the future, where people dyed eggs with their kids and told stories about giant, gift-bearing rabbits? How do you go from the crucifixion of God’s only son to chocolate bunny rabbits anyway? How long did that evolution take? Was there an intermediary step, like a chocolate Jesus with long ears and buckteeth?

And, as for calling it Terrorism Day, I know that sounds bad, but I don’t know what else I could have called it. As far as I know, it’s only been called “9-11,” and that doesn’t sound right to me. You can’t really say, “Happy 9-11 Day,” the way you can with all of our other holidays. Someone needs to think something up.

So, that’s how I started my day, being stared at like some sort of gruesome freak. I really didn’t mean anything by it though. I certainly didn’t mean to make light of what happened a year ago.

For the record, I think mass murder is bad and I frown on terrorism.

Now Shave My Balls for the Glorification of Allah

OK, maybe I’m provincial, but this next story, copied from the Associated Press wire service, leaves me scratching my pointy, little, hillbilly head. If it’s some kind of religious practice that I’m not aware of, I apologize for making fun. I’ve just never heard of men, regardless of their nationality, having to shave each other completely nude in a public restroom. If you can explain it to me, I’d really appreciate it.

While I’ve never seen gay, Middle Eastern porn, this is what I imagine it would be like. (And, yes, I do imagine what gay, Middle Eastern porn is like quite often.)

By JENNY MARBERRY, Associated Press Writer

FORT SMITH, Ark. (AP) – An airliner was diverted to Fort Smith on Wednesday because four passengers behaved strangely on the flight, including at least three who locked themselves in a restroom, possibly shaving their body hair.

No injuries were reported.

Federal officials, speaking on a condition of anonymity, said the incident was not believed to be related to terrorism.

However, KSTP-TV in Minneapolis, where Northwest Airlines is based, quoted an unidentified source as saying the men were “shaving themselves clean.” A source speaking on condition of anonymity told The Associated Press that people aboard the airplane gave investigators similar accounts.

After last year’s terror attacks, documents found in the luggage of attack leader Mohamed Atta gave what appeared to be instructions for the suicide hijackers: “The previous night, shave the extra hair from the body (and) pray.”

The men appeared to be of Middle Eastern descent, said Jim Harris, a spokesman for Gov. Mike Huckabee.

Federal Aviation Administration spokesman Scott Brenner said some people were detained by the FBI at Fort Smith, but he didn’t know how many. The FBI office at Little Rock said the men were taken off the plane but their whereabouts were unknown.

The Bush administration had raised the nation’s terror alert warning to its second highest level Tuesday — code orange — signaling a “high risk” of attack on the anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Northwest Airlines Flight 979, an Airbus A320 traveling from Memphis, Tenn., to Las Vegas with 94 passengers and a crew of five, landed at Fort Smith late Wednesday morning, Northwest spokeswoman Mary Beth Schubert said.

No fighter jets were launched to accompany the aircraft, said Maj. Douglas Martin of the North American Aerospace Defense Command.

The Northwest pilots decided themselves to land at Fort Smith as a precaution, the airline said in a statement.

Schubert said she could not elaborate on what alarmed the crew and could not confirm information about the alleged shaving.

Police and firefighters surrounded the aircraft, sitting at the end of a runway, and other passengers were taken to a terminal.

No other air traffic in the area was affected, said Dave Steigman, a spokesman for the Transportation Security Agency.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Associated Press writers Scott Lindlaw in Washington and Kelly P. Kissel in Little Rock contributed to this report.

I didn’t think it was possible that I could find the events of last September 11 even more horrifying, but this story has done it. The thought that Mohamed Atta and his men could have all sprung buck-naked, and completely shaven, from the bathrooms of their flights is enough to send me back to church.

Actually, no kidding, what are the chances that things really happened that way last year? It would help explain, I think, how the terrorists were able to take over the aircrafts on that fateful morning. They certainly would have had the element of surprise on their side, with their little, shaven wieners and radical Islamic ball sacks flopping around from side to side as the charged down the aisles.

Just a thought.

Mohamed Atta: In the Company of Men

OK, I’m ready to be chastised by all of my gay friends for this, but that last article sounded super-gay to me and it made me recall something I’d read a few months ago about Mohamed Atta and the theory that he was gay. (If you’re interested, I just found an article on this subject at the gay news and opinion site 365gay.com. My hope is that by taking a story from there, I won’t appear to be homophobic. I don’t know why it concerns me, but I think that if I support the theory that Mohamed Atta was gay that people will yell at me. I personally don’t see it. I don’t get angry and defensive when people point out that Hitler was a bad artist. Anyway, there’s the link if you want to use it.)

So, here’s what I have to say. I haven’t read the Koran, but my bet is that it doesn’t come right out, with open arms and welcome the gay members of the Muslim community into the fold. I don’t recall seeing any rainbow-colored “Jihad” posters being waved about in the streets of Islamabad on the days following 9-11. Assuming that’s the case, and that homosexuality is frowned upon, isn’t it conceivable that you’d have some young guys that wouldn’t mind dying? It seems to be logical enough to me. If I was told I could never have sex with a woman, and if people talked behind my back because I wasn’t married to a man, I’d sign up for a martyrdom… I think I’m right about this too. Any culture that stones a woman to death for showing her ankles, or driving a car, can’t be too supportive of hot man-on-man action.

So, there’s your explanation.

It’s the same with Catholicism. (Please don’t be mad at me. I love the Catholics. My first girlfriend was a Catholic.) If you tell young boys that if they’re gay they’re going to burn in hell, you don’t leave them many options. All you do is fuck them up. And, as a result, you force them into the only acceptable roles there are for men that don’t want to marry and be with women — they go into the clergy. (The other alternative is that they unhappily play the role of a straight man, either choosing to act on their natural feelings without the knowledge of their families or they keep their feelings bottled up inside. (The sane ones either leave the church or stay in it as gay men and try to change things from the inside.))

So, here’s my thesis. Religion is fucked up.

The two best things that any of these so-called enemy nations of ours can do, I think, is to extend equal rights to women and accept homosexuality. I bet you anything, you’d have fewer suicide bombers, terrorists, and religious zealots.

That’s my thought for Terrorism Day. Good night.

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