Technical Difficulties

I’m trying to get this blog moved over to another site, but I handle computer issues about as well as OJ Simpson handles rejection.

Here’s where we are right now… I bought www.markmaynard.com about four years ago and never did anything with it. I just bought the name and sat on it, I suppose fearing that another Mark Maynard, or, worse yet, one of our ever growing number of enemies, might get a hold of it first. I knew I eventually wanted to do something with it, but I just didn’t know what. Then, a few weeks ago, I decided to visit Blogger.com and set up an account on a whim. As with most other things, I got kind of obsessed and I started leaving long, boring posts every night. Now, however, I’m settling into a more healthy pattern of posting and I’m beginning to think about long-term issues, like what purpose I want this to fill and how these goals, once set, can be accomplished.

Right now, I’m thinking about using Blogger to as a tool to post material not to the free www.markmaynard.blogspot.com, as I have been, but to markmaynard.com, the site I own but have never used. Toward that end, I just now signed up with PowWeb, so that I’d have someone to host markmaynard.com. Now it’s time for me to pull all of the pieces together and I’m fucking clueless.

I just thought that I should share that with you.

Actually, it’s looking now as though a majority of the real work will be shouldered by my wife, Linette, and my friend, Dave. They both, I think, have grown tired of my complaining and have offered to assist. What I could do poorly in years, they could do well in hours. Linette is designing the page right now and it looks great. Dave will help coordinate getting all of the pieces working together on-line.

Oh, one of the reasons that I want to get this moved over to markmaynard.com is so I can have a guestbook where people can leave me notes as to how much they do, or don’t, like my writing. Since that apparently isn’t going to happen for a while, you can send me an email if you like. My email address is markmaynard@mindspring.com.

Would You Sell Your Daughter to be on TV?

I just got the following note from my friend Jen in response to the review I wrote a few days ago of NBC’s new summer series, “Meet My Parents.” I thought I’d share it with you as it goes on to further bolster my argument that we are, without a doubt, living in the end times. If I thought there was the least bit of hope that we could pull back from the brink, I’d suggest a letter writing campaign to NBC. I think it’s already much too late for that though. When a father straps a man to lie detector and asks him on national television not only if he intends to fuck his virgin daughter but if he would videotape said fucking without her knowledge, we are all already well down the long and winding road to hell. That’s way the fuck worse than “cats and dogs lying down together” in my book.

“I was unfortunate enough to catch the end of an episode of “Meet My Parents” this week. I saw the part where the last two guys remaining were given the lie detector test in the garage. Apparently, there had been some editing earlier in the episode that made guy #1 seem gay, so the father needed to rule out this possibility. It culminated in a suspenseful slow-motion shot of the polygraph guy giving a thumbs-up when guy #1 said he wasn’t gay. Whew, that was a close one! Otherwise, Dad would have had to consider letting his daughter go to Hawaii with guy #2 who failed miserably when asked if he would videotape the daughter having sex with him without her knowledge. I just love it when a show makes it crystal clear that nothing is worse than being gay, not even a lying cad that flirts with the wife of a married man and would be inclined to deflower his daughter on hidden camera and share it with his friends. Can you imagine the pitch for this show to the NBC execs?”

What the Fuck?

Speaking of bizarre network decisions, can someone tell me why right now on ABC they’re showing back-to-back reruns of Charlie’s Angles, a TV show that went off the air over 20 years ago? Have I entered a Blog-induced coma, or is this really happening? I just checked the ABC website and it says that I should be seeing the Sandra Bullock film, “Speed 2: Cruise Control.” Did someone at the last minute decide that “Speed 2” was to “edgy”? Did they opt for good, old-fashioned, mid-seventies family values over the gritty realism of cruise ship terrorism?

Police Blotter: Local Crime Updates

– Sarah S., the woman whose name was on the Ritalin bottles that were thrown into my backyard, has not yet responded to my email. As I sent it to a Hotmail account that she referenced in a two-year-old guestbook entry that I found on-line, it is likely that she no longer uses it. You need to prepare yourselves for the very real possibility that we might never learn the truth as to what happened that night… (see former story for details)

– Linette, later in the same day in which we had the “HOR” car towed, saw a woman at the other end of our street walking around as if looking for a car. Linette walked by her and heard her mutter, “Who would tow a car from here?” As she wasn’t looking in front of our house, we’re pretty sure Charlie, the ex-boyfriend, moved it into our driveway so we’d tow it. Linette said she saw the woman at 2:30 PM. She said that she was about 20 years old and white. When I asked if she looked as though she was wearing clothes from the previous evening, Linette said that she did. I doubt we will ever have more information on this case either… (see former story for details)

– While the above two cases are growing colder by the day, the case of the murdered Blockbuster manager here in Ann Arbor has apparently been solved. According to the police, it was a 19 year-old employee who was apparently caught in the act of raiding the cash box by his boss. He cut her throat with a knife. He was caught because he was seen entering the store on video surveillance tapes taken by neighboring businesses of their shared parking lot. It’s hard to hide from video surveillance these days.

Crimewave USA Sells First Full-Color Ad

I just got a note from Steve at SubPop and they’ve decided to buy the back cover of our upcoming issue, “Crimewave USA” #14, our first issue to feature full-color covers. My hope is that he’s not pulling my leg, but he did say that the ad would be for a comedy album. Does that sound suspicious to anyone, a SubPop comedy album?

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m very pleased to tell you all that we have Tad in the audience tonight. Tad, why don’t you stand up say hello to everyone… Oh, I’m sorry mam. I’m sure you can understand my confusion, what with the greasy hair and all that flannel. How much flannel does it to take to cover something like you anyway? I’m guessing you could do it with three bolts. Is that about right, three bolts? I could make lederhosen for the entire Von Trapp family with that and still have enough left over to make capes for Mud Honey. Maybe you should consider laying off the deep fried, barbequed spotted owl, and just stick to the heroin, like everyone else.” (OK, I’ve exhausted my vast repertoire of Pacific Northwest grunge humor.)

So, I’m going to get on the internet and see what’s going on. SubPop has been good to us in the past, so I think it’s probably legit, but you never know. Steve could have been fired a few weeks ago and his old boss might be answering his incoming emails, just fucking with little people like me.

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